I am quite upset, at myself, at Kim, at hmmm. well, not mad...more like sad. More and more i realize there is a need in me- to be sensitive to the Spirit of God, so that i could feel him, and hear him and see him again....and to regain that relationship of my FIRST LOVE back again. the person, wake up next to you and spend some time drinking coffee with RELATIONSHIP. More and more i realize I'm hollow inside. i need to be filled, i need to be broken. Well, that is what I say, but I'm not for sure what I REALLY need, becuz God could see what is really the thing, and it might not even be what I think it is. i just want more of HIM. i'm so desperate and so sick at the same time. Sick of my own responses to things, sick of not being thankful enough, sick of not being faithful. I'm sick of myself. I'm sick of my flesh. I'm ready for a change, I'm ready to BE change!!!!!! that's my heart and prayer for this month....GOD CHANGE ME INTO WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE!!!!!!!!!!! please. oh please, becuz i will die if I remain in this state.

well, as you noticed, i mentioned Kim in the first line of my journal entry. and well, what she said tonight about her stuff is that "As long as it makes me happy, i don't see anything wrong with it." and I told her what i thought, and it didn't seem to phase her. It really broke my heart to see how blind she is to what is right and wrong- like it's not absolute. like she doesn't know God. well. Hmm. I wonder if- no! She HAS known God, personally,....there- i saw it with my own eyes, during that worship time..at EBC. she has....but she refuses to turn from her vomit. she's satisfied with it.
but she asked me if I'd still love her, and be there for her if things go wrong. And i thought in myself, "what would you do God?-what DO YOU Do?"- in these kind of scenario's, all i really know is that HE is more joyful to receive and accept back that which was lost and He even throws a party for them...and well, the fact that the person came BACK is enough to please HIM!!_ so I told her that I'd love her no matter what, and that doesn't mean i agree with her choices. But i will be there for her.

I'm also praying about whether or not God would like me to go to the UK with Autumn, and for some reason, i really feel pressed to do this with her. i have no clue why I'd go there- and with Autumn of all pep's, and I don't even know if I'd have the money- so I'm thinking and praying to God about all of this, and finding out whether or not HE really wants me to go, and IF He does he will make a way- just like my car getting fixed. Blessed Andy, and his friend Gabe...i think that's his name. his eyes are really cool. i wish i had eyes like that. so, off I go and I will read more about Keith Green,...I'm liking that book alot.
sweet spring signing off once again, after a grueling day at work:
apes

I'm doing alright considering the release of Ben finally...but it's only been one day..i think. Yeah. Today I went with Josh's parents to Red Robin, and with Cassie and JC....i am so glad other people came too. I can't stand being alone for too long with JOsh's parents in the room. Not that i don't like them, just that I feel like I'm being examined. I wonder if josh would feel like that if he went over to my parent's place. I don't know, maybe I'm just stressin' it. Cuz well, josh DID talk to his dad about stuff. and I think that's a little premature.

But, i realize more andmore that i'm sooo glad that I don't have anyone in my life right now. I think things would be really screwed up if I DID have somebody in my life...- like a guy. I wonder how people- like Lynelle, Alicia, and other people here BALANCE things while they're going out with their guys...- i mean, it seems like Alicia and whatever his name is have a really healthy relationship. and I like that. I want something like that.

i just bought myself new work shoes- a pair of Roxy's- and another pair, for only a cent more. I went swimming today. I enjoy that so much, becuz it kinda relives stress, and gives me exercize- and i just feel really good when i'm emersed in water - i love it. i want to go hiking again up Mount Pisgah- on Tuesdaymorning....ah! it'll be so early..i forgot I work until like 11:30 on monday. I don't know, maybe I'll do it during the day. Maybe. what else has been going on with me?? Well. church- at Calvary Open Bible- (everyone from EBC goes there, it's completely ridiculous, but at the same time comforting)- at Pastor Wood was talking about Jesus, and the cost it was for Him to die on the cross..there WAS a cost for our salvation- but nothing WE paid...everything Jesus paid. We're paid in Full. and it just brings tears to my eyes, cuz he was talking about his relationship with his own son, and looking at him when he was a little baby, and thinking "God, how could I ever give up my son? Especially for a worthless bunch of people, like the ones that are at the church now?!" and it was like striking how very similar it would've been for Jesus- but there was NO DOUBT in His mind what He had to do- and the thing is He wanted to do it. He wanted to die for me, just so I could see His face again, just so I could be covered in His blood and appear before the living God, in all His Love. So i could have relationship with Him again!!!!!!! I was so overwhelmed at church today, i let my guard down, and cried. I love letting go like that before the Lord. But not before man. I want my pride to fall down, becuz I won't be a good ministry tool for God to use, if i have my defense working all the time. I like to be open, and vulnerable but to the LorD.- i give Him my life, and He deserves every breath. I'm going to re-read my committment to Him from the Winter Retreat of 1999, right before I went into YWAM. i need to be reminded of what i said I'd do. Just so I'm reminded of holding up my end of the bargain. Cuz God held His end up- and always WILL. he will always be faithful. OH, how i love that WORD! Faithful. He is Faithful. that's probably the most comforting word to hear, espeically when speaking of God, the Father.
I will sign off for now.
Sweet Spring Song