It's 12:09 am, and i need to go to bed. I really wanna get up early to Hike up Mt. Pisgah...but i think that'll happen ON my Birthday, rather than tomorrow.
Today/well, tonight was strange. I just kinda broke down when i started to read the verses we hafta memorize for Theology, and well, Josh was there, and i hate breaking down in front of him, cuz well, to be honest, He's emotionally unstable for the both of us. and I know that God wants to circumsize my heart, and i will let Him.
On top of that, I broke the spiritual bondage tonight of reliance on Coffee...*(as i had a frappacino at Starbucks)- well, i got to my room and took one look at the coffee pot, and thought ....anything goes. it's either that or God, and well, i am just filled with all these things that i wanna get rid of just becuz they are like stapeling me down to the WORLD'S standards, and well, those SUCK. So, what I'm asking God to do in me is SET ME APART AND CHANGE ME. becuz that is what HE wants to do...and while my heart get's circumsized, and my flesh screams out in agony over dying becuz of the flesh....i realize more and more I WANT what GOD wants...but i'm only seeing it little by little. not the whole picture. But i must be purged of other things as well...well, needless to say i picked up my coffee maker, and along with all my coffee and whatever else would make me drink coffee, I marched out to the dumpster, and prayed the LORD would Deliver me from this Evil God...false GoD....it won't fill me...it isn't my stronghold anymore. I choose The LORD., and i heard it hit the bottom...and after that i prayed and cried...and went back to my room.
i will type in here to talk about anything else the Lord is telling me to be rid of. I have been feeling like I should fast ...BIG TIME.

sweet spring song.

I'm getting too use to the idea of eating so LATE at night...I seem to stop at Taco Bell every night I have off of work. Usually tues and thursday nights.
i went to Barnies today with Cassiopeia and read some articles on this generation/counter/sub/culture- some really good articles from Charisma! I was suprised to learn that are ALOT of alternative type churches, EVEN one's back home! for real. that was weird to know. I wish i knew about that sooner.
One of the artcles kinda convicted me- it was about radicality within Believers...and what a faceless one is...maybe even nameless one. and well. this idea came into my head like immediately after this article: that I am to go to P. Dave kauffman and ask for his forgiveness and ask him if i could ask for the rest of the congregation's forgiveness, for putting judgement on them and wanting to leave becuz of it. And I know God still wants me there, cuz the people are good, and well, I love P. Dave and Judy, i just wish i knew them better. I need personal accountability and mentorship, maybe even time to sit down with the Pastor and just talk about stuff...like youth-kinda stuff...like that kinda stuff. well. Yeah. I had this idea. I don't know if it's gonna produce fruit. but i WILL be at Christ Center THIS sunday, cuz i hafta work, so i gotta be in Junction City anyways. And i gotta ask for forgiveness for being bitter towards the church, cuz they're the family of God. and forgiveness for not like tuckin' under the authority of the pastor's role...and like respecting that and being blessed by it. I hope God provides a way to do this. Not only that, but building a family of God that I can love and minister to personally. And grow close to, regardless of their status.
and maybe even stand in the gap for any other youth that needs to repent or ask for forgiveness from the church.

I want to be used as a vessel for God, and his purposes. When i think about it, There IS no other HIGHER calling, or purpose, and no other mission. Nothing else is worthy of my attention. But ofcourse, with this comes a disciplined study, which is an outward commitment of my will to be aligned to the will of God. I make this vows, I make this temporal committments, but then I get shakened by the winds of Satans' temptation (making something else for myself, doing what I WANT, pleasing myself...)and i lose sight of the real, eternal prize.
I could be one of those HISTORY makers that i SO MUCH believed in, when I was in YWAM. I don't have to be in YWAM to do it, and i make this desicion every day. i choose to follow Jesus Daily, and partake of HIS WORDs, that are written and spoken into my heart.
I'm a forgiven girl of God, and HE has released me from the sin I once carried, the sin i was so immune to, and numb from....now a RED ALERT warning sign goes off any time that sin comes close,...and Jesus does provide ways to get me out...just sometimes i choose not to take them...but the other times I DO take them...and walking through the flame of refinement is what makes me type this words today. i cannot say/type this stuff, without having walked through it and witnessed it myself, in my own life.

I should've gone to chapel today, but my flesh got the better or me.
and i gave blood today....whew. I'm pooped.
sweet spring song