Yeah. I really need to be delivered. and that's the end of it.
i need to get rid of this sin that is eating away the insides of my bones....it's killing me slowly.
i need to kill it before it kills me.
i need deliverance.
just when you think you had it all cleaned up and put away.
then comes the blow, then comes the storm that knocks you over
and reminds you that your are a sinful human being.
it's killing me slowly.
slowly
and i'm letting it.
i need help
i need God to deliver me from my sin.
from this sin.
forever...so i can't look back anymore.
no memory of it.
no trace.
it'll be erased....forever.
and ever.
amen.
and i will be set free...
for real,
not for fake.

Okay, the poop has hit the fan. and it's all over...like My desperation for God. I'm hungry, really stinkin' hungry to hear from HIm...how long, Oh LORD must I wait for your presence to consume my flesh! and my fleshly desires...I long for YOU! I NEED you...i am hungry for you....and i can't turn back to my old ways, to my old self, my old yukcky- poo of a life...I need you like i need the air I breath. I love you LORD>>>>i LOVE you...and i need you in my life to consume my flesh and consume me inside. I want all of you. closer...and closer. I want to feel your breath. i need to feel your breaht. I trust I will hear from you soon, I trust that you want to speak to your daughter...to me, your daughter.
I was so hungry last night to have a touch from your Father hand...to life me up outta the ugly clay called self, and selfishness...I needed you to pick me up to where you are, I didn't want to be where I was...I want to be where you are. I'm tired of playing games, I want you....I want your arms,...to pick me up and wipe me off, cuz I'm yucky and sinful and i need you blood to cleanse me Jesus. ..i need your voice ...so i knwo there's some sane voice out there, that can hear me, that can see me, that can feel me...that can know me....Cuz I wanna know YOU, I wanna feel YOU, I wanna hear YOU , i wanna touch YOU>...all of you LORD...all of you...not the same old path, not the same old line. I want all of you!....tear me from this world.....please JEsus.take me away- to that secret place where I find such peace....to your arms...around your shoulder , where i can feel your breath on me...and I hear your heartbeat through you chest...and I KNOW...that you LOVE me, and I LOVE you...and there's no tearing US apart....never....
So, this is my cry...for this summer, MEET ME LORD....I WANT YOU PRESENCE!
your sweet spring song,
April Melody

Since hotmail is down i'm going to type in my journal. I like this thing, it's perfect. and i just equipped it to be personal...like not publically accessed...so hopefully JC and Josh won't be able to reach it....I'm really hoping. Cuz i kinda want them both to not read this stuff, cuz it's my personal life.


Well, I've been up and down and over and out...all over the place ...as in going to Salem...to the YWAM base, and boy! it's been real, that's for sure. I just don't know what to say. I'm struck with this funny feeling ...around this guy...David...like, hmmm. I dont' know.i dont' know if he's feelin' it either....but anyways. I'm just silly. A silly little girl and well. I'm focusing on God all summer long. praying for his will, and direction in my life...if he even wants me to come back to EBC...i'm not so sure. I'm just prayin' that he provides..well, wait a minute- after this weekend how could I doubt anything!- cuz the little list i made ...of things to get fixed on my van during the summer....like most all of them got fixed, cuz God provided and God used somebody that was a willing vessel, and a servant. ...and i was just like going up there to like get interviewed so to speak, for the internship for the ropes course and maybe Niko.,..i really hope I'll be able to do one of those this summer. I"m praying that God will provide a way for me to get in there some how.

well, it's like my first official night living in the dorms by myself. and it's quite things are really quite. I'm definately gonna hafta be doing something, like not be here this summer. I really want to read a lot. maybe i'll read a lot in the tower and pray.
I could really sense God's peace, and kinda like a rest over the base.....and like it's a place of new beginnings and a place of God's miracles. I'm praying for a miracle in my life to come about...maybe there...maybe I"ll get a breakthrough in some area of my heart that God has wanted me to give to him. I'm just praying....yes God. Yes Jesus.

Well, last night, i think Josh was getting teary-eyed, and I wasn't and i didn't feel at all like crying, cuz he's just not the one...and i can't force myself or convince myself that he is..becuz i just know....and i Haven't had peace about any of it...anything that we talk about....especially when it comes to me going out with him. I don't think so. it's not him. and i wish he'd just bury it and move on cuz i am.
I wonder.. Is this how Ben felt towards me? and does he still feel like this? I hope not. I really hope that he knows i'm fine and over it. and well, maybe God really helped me through it..He's not my idol anymore..But Ben seems to have an idol himself....his car, and I really long to see him be released into ministry, into the things of God for his life....but he's too stuck in the world.
I wanna see if email is working yet and if not I'm gonna read some stuff. ta ta for now....and I might be seeing a movie with David, cuz he's said he'd like to come up to Eugene to see a movie with me! I'm totally stoked! for real.
over and out.
sweet spring song