I am titling this journal Entry "The stubborn American Soul"

I was broken...completely broken. It all began with a little set-up, Jesus demonstration, downtown- during the Cherry Festival tonight- adn I was walking past it with Amber, and some guy next to me was saying that he'd like to take an axe to the signs they had up- which preached the word of God- and i really could feel the stronghold over that area- like that specific spot. I felt pretty weird the whole night, but i was certainly broken right then and there.
The day is coming, where people won't like Me becuz i know Jesus, and becuz I love Jesus, and I"m a christian. I carry the name of Christ. It never came to me before this night, how vital it is to build faithfulness in me right now- so, when those days come. I will not leave my love.Even if my family abandonds me. Even if my very sisters leave my side, I will remember this night and know that I knew it was coming.

That's not exactly what Iwas broken about- I just knew, there were people down there, drinking,smoking, getting wasted, high- whatever. And there were people there putting on a front, acting like they were cool and accepted. there were people that showed their anger on the outside, the ones who hated...I just felt all the hurt, becuz I knew God was reaching out to them, right there- with the word of God right in their faces.
AND THEY DESPISED IT.
AND THEY DESPISED THE ONES WHO STOOD FOR IT.
and i felt many hearts cold.
overwhelming emptiness.
Only Jesus can save us! Only Jesus can help us...out of our sin, our hurt, pain, fear, anger, lonliness. Only Jesus will be there when nobdoy else is. And only Jesus remains standing when everyone else falls away. ON judgement day, He will be the one standing

I can't explain it all. But i had to type it in here. I'm just really broken, and I want God to save my family. There are no other ways- there is only One WAY and His name is Jesus.
How can I let people know??
Especially if I live in a country that thinks they don't need God. thinks they don't need anything/anybody but theirselves. Oh....I'm broken. I'm hurting. cuz i know the stubborness of our hearts.....i know the stubborness of my heart. adn i know it hurts God.
I"m crying.
I"m crying.
I"m crying.
How can i show this to a stubborn people group LORD?
Be with me always and speak the words you want said alone.
I love you and i want what you want. Continue to do this good work in me...by breaking me, you are setting me free.
set me free LORD i pray...
sweet spring song.

Home: the 29th
I can't tell you how BEYOND stoked I was tonight....I saw Mike. He's doing WAY good, and He loves his job as a police officer sooooooo much...and more cool information - HE'S GOING TO CHURCH!!!!!!!!!!
I was beyond shocked and amazed and well, down right happy to hear that coming out of his mouth- he told me straight up, that He will pray for me, to get direction from God. and well, it almost made me cry. cuz I'm just going really psycho right now...On everything. I went to see Mike, thinking the WAY wrong stuff...and not just the way wrong stuff, but what he might want to do. and i felt crushed inside, cuz it was like God slapped me right in the face with the truth that I can never escape HIM!!!!!!!!! and that He provides ways out of sin....and (this is what I thought)- that I just have a really screwed up mind, and i need delieverance....really bad. i can't do all this stuff on my own...like trying to fight the battle with myself. And today at New Hope Church...(everything was the same and it was really weird)- the message was on being delievered from temptation...from falling into sin, and God providing a way out of the sin. I can't believe how many signs God has given me on this trip alone that I can't run from HIm...I can't return to my vomit, like I dog does. I can't return to my old self, just like that (snap of the fingers)- and HE DOESN'T WANT ME TO, AND HE WILL DO ANYTHING TO SAVE ME FROM IT. From falling that is.

I'm lost. I need to be found once again. Or more like I need to find Jesus myself- my firstlove all over again...but for the rest of my life. and i wouldn't let go, and I wouldn't give up at the drop of a hat.- or even the blowing of the winds and thunder and lightning...I need to hold onto Jesus.

I can't give up on Him. Becuz He WILL NEVER GIVE UP ON ME.
I love being pursued by Jesus.

well, what else.
Oh, I'm getting really sick of Autumn really quickly- she's controling, selfish...(but then i turn the finger around at myself, cuz so am I).....but i don't want to be, and I even recognize that I am those things...but the thing is...I'm turning from it. I'm not autumn's slave, nor her follower. I'm her sister. and she needs to let me make choices on my own. I think she has a hard time letting people make choices that she herself wouldn't make. She wants mini-Autumn's running around everywhere. I'm set free from her grip over my life- i was a long time ago. and I see all the control she had over me broken and torn...cuz i'm not under her grip anymore.
Jesus is my Lord...not autumn.

well. autumn almost read what I was typing, so i think i'll split for now.
I'm really glad I got to hang out with Mike tonight. everything just shocked me- i'm like - Iguess dumbfounded. Cuz he knows God now, and He knows Jesus- and that He really needs Jesus- and i went out tonight thinking i was well- that he was going to kiss me- but that's WAY not so.....and I'm just really screwed up , ...i need to get with God. it's been a long time since I'vehad a quiet time. i need one really bad.
i gotta jet.
so says,
the sweet spring song