Hey
I think things are looking up. But i just needa remember to get ahold of Jesus. I will type more later.
it's currently later, that is after Batman. I am watching DVD's to fill my spare time, since i have nobody to spend time with
I've decided to also study dental Hygenie stuff while i'm in China, so then, when the time comes for taking exams, or whatever....school work...that i'll be able to be a little more on top of things. I wonder what level of science and math i'll need to take.
I think i'll start with study the bone structure and teeth numbers. like physiology first, and then i'll attempt to prepare myself for the other classes, like math, or biology.

Well. i talked with autumn a little today online. she might go sky diving, i dont' want her to go without me. really. i might be expensive, but i'd wanna do sumthin' like that with her.
AND...this was a big downer of the day- Brandi is NOT coming back to Taiwan.so, i'm outta luck with having time to spend with her..over here and stuff. I wish i knew that before i came over here. i think maybe i'd even disobey God for that. but maybe not. Cuz i wouldn't willingly do that. MMMM, maybe that's part of the reason why i'm here.
Do i trust God?
It's easy to say it all the time, but to actually be stepping out in faith...and DOING it, that's another thing.
i dont' wanna fail Him. But, i think I've already done that. and i dont' want to keep fooling myself. I don't want to be here in China. I want to leave. but i can't ....until my contract is done. But then again i feel as though God wants me here. but it's hard, cuz i don't have any fellowship with anyone......it feels like I'm Tom Hanks, in the movie Cast Away, and i'd probably go insane if i didn't have a pet volleyball to talk to, or to let my anger out on. I'd start talking to myself, cuz I have nobody else to talk to. But,....i do. That's the difference. God. I have God, my father to talk to. But i don't sometimes. i forget He's there, or more like i pretend He's NOT there....just so i can get away with things.
why don't I talk to God as much as I use to? WHat's happened to me? Why am I like this?
I am being tested I think. Like, will i let Him go when it get's rough? NO! Will I forget everything He's done for me, including dying on a cross? NO! Will I abandon everything I know to be true about the Lord, just becuz I feel a little down? NO!
This is when the rubber meets the road folks. This is where reality bites ya in the rear, if ya know what i mean. I have to bare it. Well. Wait a minute.Not bare it....endure it. I hafta run the race with endurance....and He will never give me something that is too difficult for me to handle...or else He wouldn't have given it to me. If He knew that i would be too overwhelmed here in China, or that i'd go nuts...He wouldn't have brought me here, there must be a reason. He wouldn't have brought me here to die. (believe me, i've seriously considered thatt too..) He wouldn't have taken me this far to abandon me...which is impossible for Him to do.....
(I think i here Him say something...something like....."Now you're getting the hang of it" "you know who I am" "I am"- Okay. Lord, you are. You are!.......i'm sorry for thinking that i am....cuz i'm far from being. Just being. I can't even exist...I'm a mess without you...
I think yer filling my desperation cube. the one where i'm wallowing down there on the ground, and shivering and cold in the mud...and you pick me up- and you save me. You wrap me in yer robes, warm and white robes...although i stain them. and you give me a robe of my own, and then a ring for my nose...and you call me yours.
You call me Yours.
Lord, I"m a mess. I've been thinking the wrong things...i've been saying the wrong words...I've been doing everything wrong. I don't know how to go about this missionary thing...please help me live a life of sacrifice for you. A life of sacrifice for your kingdom in this dry and weary land, where there is not water nor light.
Okay, God. I am here. Call on me whenever you want me...your servant is listening.

sweet spring song

well, i just got paid today and finally got some food. God didn't let me go without, He provided for me every step of the way. I think that'll be the story of my life, here in China. good. i want Him to get the most glory.
I hope i change. Like, in faith. cuz i don't think i've been so noble. I don't think i've been all that God wanted me to be
i really want to get back with Him. but it hasn't been the same. i think i know why. somebody else is bothering me. somebody i don't want to.
i need a warrior on my side. i need Jesus.

it's the 21st and I've just realized i'm in the heart of the lions cave.
the center, the birth place for Tai Chi is like 15 mins away, and the big buddah sits in the side of a wall, with a grin on his face. and i'm in the land of confusion....without a voice in the wilderness.
I am in a wilderness. i walk in this land, with the dust flying up to my face as every truck and car pass by at high speeds, and i suck it in. unknowingly. unknowingly. I need strength. i need strength.
i feel weak inside. alone, afraid, scattered. waiting for an answer to my prayers. i am waiting for him...
i walk in this land of confusion, where there is no water for my lips,and there is no answer in the woods. No wooing from my loved one. I am wandering in this land, strange, strange land. where the streets have no names...and where i look up and still see clouds, they consume the sky. there is barely a moment of freedom in this land.
all is restricted. all is hidden. all is held back from the seeing eye. they walk blind. they walk deaf....not seeing and not hearing....
the thousands drift by at a blink of an eye, with their black hair and black brown eyes. they wander too. and they are lost. they walk as though they have purpose in their steps. but all is meaningless in this land. all is without purpose.

I need you LORD!! i can't make it on my own. my own mind is against me. my own thoughts, they plague me at night. they think of things that aren't from you. they think wrong things- and i try to stop them. I deny this land in my sight. ....of it's confusion, of it's emptiness. Of it's seeming life...but not living. I deny this area's entrance into my heart. I deny it's power over me, beczu you have the crown of my heart...My life belongs to you...and I do NOT willingly put my life the hands of the wickedness of the land. I refuse anything that would say i am something that you say i'm not. like ugly, or empty,or void. or purposeless....that would be horrible.
I will not give into their lies.
i will not.
i will not believe them....
my mind spaces out every now and then...as if there is nothing to think.
i need to think...i need something of my own...i need something to call mine, in this land. i need to controll my mind, my thoughts...i need to wrap them around you....i need to know my place in you Father. Ineed to know who I am in you. Where am I?
Where am I in light of you?
Do i still have my sword at my side? Do I still have a place at your side Father?? Are you still with me???

I am being real here....and better to be real than to cover it over with a glossy smile saying that everything is alright....when everything is going wrong.

Love you Papa..and i miss you. I miss our love together...please help me, i wanna hear you...i wanna see you in this land.
your sweet spring song

I am officially without a pooch now.
She died of unknown causes and I buried her outside, and placed chunks of bricks over her grave.
She dies in my arms, underneath my hoodie, cuz i was trying to keep her warm....she made it through the night....and i thought she's was gonna live. But, she died this morning, around 11:30- and i cried, went down stairs and buried her. Man this sucks. today has sucked altogether.
I've never had an animal die on me before. cuz we've only had blue. This kinda sucks.
I pictured myself on my knees last night, praying the same thing that Job prayed "The Lord gives and takes away, blessed be HIs name"- and i did the same thing today...but i told it to God. " God, you give and take away...blessed be Your name.."-So, after today i really wanted to spend some time wiht somebody- but there is nobody for me. only jesus. and He reminded me, he doesn't want any idols before him. Like in Ezekiel 16, where he describes Israel being a baby wallowing in it's own blood, and not taken care of, and thrown out...and God came along and washed her off, and cleansed her with salt, and anointed her with oil,...and then she got old enough, where she was ready for love, but the Lord wanted to protect her from other nations, so he clothed her with his own robes, and put a ring in her nose (to represent that she was taken) along with that she was blessed beyond her dreams...and yet she still turned away from the Lord. she followed after other lovers..and actually paid them to have sex with her. She acted as a harlot for them. She acted like a harlot....

The Lord doesn't want me to act like the harlot with ANYTHING...i'm not saying that my dog dying has anything to do with this, cuz i don't think that's how my Lord works...but i see through my pooche's death, that I was taken care of like how i took care of my own pooch. My Lord has taken care of me sooo well. He will not let me die so easily, and He protects me from all sides...and He places in MY nose a ring, and on my head a crown...how could i look at other guys, when I know I'M TAKEN BY THE LORD. How could anything else satisfy my soul, when the Lord has given me all my desires, and continues to LOVE me unconditionally.
I don't think I'm for just anyone. I'm for somebody special....I'm for the Lord...who looks at me and smiles...cuz I am loved by him.
I wish Amber knew this. I wish Autumn knew this. We all are weird. Cuz of how we were grown up.....we haven't had valid relationships with guys in forever...and Amber. She goes out with 34 yr. olds! We are afraid of loving a guy, i think. In the way we are supposed to. Cuz we think that he will let us down, like the men in our past. Our fathers. Tom and even dad. i hate saying that. cuz i want to think of my dad as blameless. Well, he is. through God, and he is blameless before me- becuz i know the blood of the Lamb covers him. He's opted for salvation...yet Tom and Autumn, and Amber, and I think mama all need to opt for that- they have to chose to be saved. ouch. i wish i could make them love Jesus. I wish there was something i could do to show them that Jesus loves them....and wants to take their hurts...and even mama's- who has hurts of her own. Who has hidden them for so long, and sometimes she pretends that they're not there.
This world makes us pretend we dont' hurt. This world is numb....and satan tries to make us numb to pain....so we don't realize we could have something better....
I love God, and nobody can separate me from His love. Not height nor depth, neither angles, nor demons, not the present or things to come separate me from the Love of God.
thank you jesus. You cover all the bases.
sweet spring song