Currently November the 1st a sunny and rather relaxed Saturday as well.
I just finished watching Moulin Rouge, it's funny how you can get messages from movies, huh? Like this:
The greatest thing you will ever learn is to love and be loved in return.
I cannot seem to grasp that, with the love God gives me somehow. Like, i feel like Roxanne in that, even though He promises me a life of real love, and real living with Him, in His Castle, and His Kingdom, I cast it aside to continue the business I was once in before I knew Him. I act as though I don't love Him....when He's exactly what I needed. When He's exactly what I wanted. And He knew it, and I knew it. But I turned away, I didn't think I could ever have somebody soo good to me, somebody that would treat me so sweet, and love me so innocently and dearly.
But.....
I sense a change in the wind. Perhaps I turn back, and meet His eyes once again, which were looking after me all along. Putting my hand in His, I would once again be welcomed into His kingdom, back into His heart, where I belong....accepting the fact that He wants me. Just as I am. Without changing anything, He still wants me,...even now, as I type this...tears coming down. He still wants me. He still loves me. In this horrible, selfish way i've been. He wants me? I guess, if I were His love, that had been cheating on Him, right now, I feel as though He knows and still wants me. and it makes me want to turn completely around....and embrace HIm once again....finally again, forever again...to start everything over in my heart again. On page one again. Just to love me once again. The love that I knew Before.....ohhh, that new hearted love. That First Love...
I thought I had abandoned all hope of seeing this love of mine again, thinking I'd be tossed out like a diseased dog....but my First Love beckons me. He even says my name...which is all I really needed to hear. From His voice. It's all I really want to hear, His voice period. My heart once again leaps to think my love has been chasing after me all along. To think I wanted other things! To think anything else sounded or looked BETTER!....all junk. All garbage iin the sight of Him....once again to be in His arms...once again to be surrounded with His arms, protecting, guiding, shielding. Everything I can't do, and everything I need in Him. I can't make it on my own, and He knows that. I was almost to the point of lettting go, giving up. Giving up on Him. But I said I would never do that. Cuz He said He'd never give up on me, and He can't give up on me...it's not his nature. but it is mine, but I will not use the nature of my being to give up. Cuz i will not give up on HIM...
So, I think satan almost had me convinced that this was how i was gonna go, back to the old ways, drinking, possibly smoking...pot.? I dont' know, but my mind was playing tricks on me for sure, and it seemed like i couldn't control it, but I can. Satan does NOT have control over my life, becuz i gave it to Him. He has my life in His hand. I am God's. I am His alone. And I cannot serve TWO masters.
that, along with the idea that I cannot live on bread alone, but every word of God- has been running through my mind for a few days now.
I am NOT going the way of my father. I will not give up on God. I will not give up on Jesus. For He will never Give up on me!
sweet spring song once and for all.

i have two words: Party night.
I am gonna party by myself : ( that's the sad part, I think. But, i am gonna party. if at all....
and watch movies...and tomrrow- Sat. I am gonna mail off Ellen's dress and then , maybe tonight. I forgot ALL about going to get a movie with my new friend- I forgot her name though. there's sooo many people that i don't know their names yet...: (
well, i will type more later.

it's currently later-11:00 at night. and i just watched Bone COllector, and then Con Air, but the DVD started to freak out so i couldn't see the end of it. Oh well.
I finished a ...nevermind. I should go to sleep tonight just fine...I mailed off ellen's dress and also snuck a little note in there, i wonder if they will see that..? don't know. I also bought three DVD's...both of the Lord of the Ring movies, and Moulin Rouge. I missed the music, what can i say?
other than good night my sweet prince,
till it be morrow--- i think i'll go to bed now, it's late, and i'm stinkin' tired.
apes

I'm getting a bike today, and I heard from star today, she's doing good, and i can possibly visit her home town as soon as were both not busy. I loved hanging out with her...she's a bit more mature than people here...cuz I've only been able to hang out with students, and they're all giddy when they talk to me. So, it's not like i can have a normal conversation with anyone over here. But i could with star. that was good. I think God put her in my life first for a reason...for a bit of sanity..
I've been looking up hiking sites on line...the pacific crest trail. I think that would be awesome to hike that ...take a couple months off and hike away> i'd want to do it with somebody though. Maybe Brandi? or somebody else? I don'tnkow. But maybe I can find short little hiking spots out here in China, to prepare. I will have only two months free when I get back from china- July and August, and not even all of august i think, cuz school starts. Maybe i can hook up with some sorta summer camp thing, where i'd get paid, like my new friend Alex, from England. He goes to NY and they pay him 3,000 dollars! So, i'msure there are some out in Oregon that i could get hooked up with. Yeah, that'd be good. Not go back to DQ! for sure. that would be wonderful

Well, mayeb i'll type more later...
I should tell the students that it's going to be halloween soon in America...
i'll type later


It is currently later- 9:25 to be exact. I just got done watchingFinding Nemo for the second time in ONe week. Sad, I know. But time consuming. I need to consume my time with other things....not always mindless things. Like movies. I'mso sick of using my wrist guard. SO, i took it off and put the keyboard down in my lap, so i can type easier.
I got a bike! Yup. A slightly pink one, and it has a basket on the front, and I got a bike lock also. Really good price. ONly about 10- bucks but 160 yuan . and that's pretty good. the bike will be alright. it's new, i just hope it doesn't get stole.
I'm struggeling, to just put on a happy face. really. i think the smallest things,whatever they may be would makeme happy, cuz i've felt so much pain....and I dont' even know from where? Myself...condemnation, that i accept...But see. I know all this stuff, Like, I know what I should do, but i don't do it. I think i'll be phony IF i do the things i should beczu my heart isn't there in it. I could care less right now about opening up my bible, adn reading...cuz my heart isn't in it...it's not like I recieve revelation every time I open it up. But i know I should, so I do. Does that even compute? I don't think so,but maybe God does. I think i'm at that mystery part again. Where I never knew God before...but maybe this is where I should be.
just know that everything happens for a reason and God is the creator of it all.
But most of this time i feel like at any moment I'm just finally slip and fall.. and break something. Like I'm gonna mess up big time. I guess at some sorta anxiety point...or being scared of messing up at some point. Ofcourse this fear doesn't keep me from doing it, falling that is. Just after wards I feel more condemned than before. I know too well what Paul was talking about...doing the things that I hate.
i am not cheap wine.
i am not.
Why are these trials needed? why cant I have flower fields and beautiful scenery all the time! everyday!? To know GOd is there, with me...? Why do i hafta go through the flame? I don't feel any more refined than before I went into it. I feelmore dirty actually. yucky that is.
am i special to you Lord?
do you still love me?
Have you forgotten about me?

my hands hurt, i gotta go.
apes

yup, it certainly won't open. I've tried two different ways, and my site will not open. Maybe God is trying to protect what I say, but not letting it open up. Maybe? I don't know.

so, I'm so glad i finally heard from Ellen, cuz i've had her dress for a while now..and Hopefully she can send me money- well, she could send it to autumn or give it to Sharron- to put in my account, or send me my medicine, I"m running out, and my face is breaking out like crazy...i hate the water here...it's not really good, you can't even drink it.

well, i got an email from Amy, i was so glad to hear from her- my heart's been achin'..ofcourse, as usual. I fill my time with sleeping and movies, or the internet....typing in here, emailing or chatting'- with a new friend, he's in China too. his name is Alex and he's working on the coast, teaching english..and he's from the UK- england, and he sounds pretty nice...cool. He's been to the US for the past 3 years, working in a summer camp in NY- for rich people's kids...he gets 3,000 dollars! for only 2 months working, i thought that sounded pretty good. Maybe I should look into doing summer camps when i get back before school starts.
i've decided to start preparing for the dental class- i've looked up a bit of information...and have read alittle about the mandible, the maxillary, and the different teeth, their names. But it's hard to find exact information- like just on dental work, becuz the internet is so vast i'm not sure what to type exactly. I've tried anatomy, dental, oral hygenie...a lot of things...and most of the sites i get are like schools or books on anantomy, that i could buy- but i want the information that's in the book on the net! And most of the stuff is so confusing...I guess I could just memorize it, and when the time comes I could be a human dictonary on the dental anatomy of humans...i guess. My time should be spent doing other things than sleeping and watching movies.

As i review my lastest journals, i know i am getting real with God- i know i'm being real...even to myself.. so that's better than being a phony. Pretending everything is alright, when everything isn't. with me anyway.
So, I shallbe off. Watching a movie again...Pirates of the carribean..again...i should go get more movies.
april

I'm back. I thought it'd wise to type,considering my pleas last night, to God.
Well, He met me in a different way...through a friend, that i was try to ignore- Jeannie. We were suppose to get together last night, and i ignored her first two calls, and then i was finished typing in here, so i thought it'd be good to answer the phone, at least I would have somebody to hang out with.
SO, it turned out to be very different from what I expected it to. I think the Lord set me up. He set Jeannie my way, to pull me up, and to get the focus back onto Jesus...cuz Jeannie started talking about self will, like to coax oneself to do something....and then i started talking about the song- that we're gonna sing together, which is on the Hungry CD- "Father you're all i need"- and well, i told her what the song was about, and that ...no matter how much power i think i have as a human, i'm not always going to be strong enough...i'll need Jesus to help me. I'll need the Father God. which is like totally contradicting, or something like that to what I was saying last night...well, actually, I was vocalizing what I typed. Cuz it's exactly what i was saying...that He comes close...and loves us.

Yeah, I think the Lord set me up...so, i broke down last night. I spilled the beans. Like how can I be like this and still believe, or have faith that God will be here. My circumstances dont' mold God, God molds me in my circumstances.

I'm outtie, i gotta go teach now.
chow

it's funny, ya know?
how life can be so different but we are still just one big world.
i realized tonight all i really want is a touch. from somebody. i want somebody to reach out their hand and just touch me...like on the shoulder, on the face...on the hand...i just want a human touch....that's all. not too much to ask.
But, people go to desperate lengths to get this. they buy it, they sell it, some would even die for it,i'm sure. babies die cuz they're not held when they're little. doesn't God know this? doesn't God know that i'm lacking here...i'm needy, i'm desperate...just to be touched, by him. i'm just wanting a single touch....to fill my heart, make me shake...and not be able to stand.

i remember joseph's hugs...and i remember my head laid right on his chest and when he sighed that sigh, i could feel air fill his lungs. that's what i like. that's what i need right now. and i knew he had dimples as he smiled.
and ben. when ben hugged me, and i had to show him how to comfortably hugme....resting his head on top of mine, and just kinda holding me.

i want that right now. ineed that right now...and i don't have it. no matter how i wanna pretend God can do it. i am weak without another person to be with. and Jesus can be here, and hold me,...but i can't feel him. i can't feel him...hold me, like how joseph did, or how Ben did. why doesn't he when he actually can???

there's this woman down stairs, she probably lives on the first floor, and she only has a few teeth left. well, she walks really slow and she has this walker that she uses. I think also that her left hand is crippled..i'm not sure though. well, she reminds me to live life to fullest becuz i won't live that long. but does that mean that i sin? no, i don't think so. but does it mean i just exist? Existing is when you are really alive and active in the Holy Spirit, i'm sure. that is being truly alive...
i want to be truly alive, feeling the breath of my love on my face, and the rise and fall of his chest, as i hug him....and his arms wrapped around me, protecting me forever.
I don't want to be here anymore, i don't want to be here without my love..........