I did a blogger this morning, but i thought it be important to do another one.
I just walked in from crying many tears, over my sins, over my mother, over my lost grandma. She died today...well yesturday for Michigan, it was 3:00 am when she died. She's been bed ridden and outta her mind for about 3-4 yrs. now. And she's finally gone to be with God. I know she knew the Lord, becuz she brought up all the kids, my aunts', up in a Seventh Day Adventist Church--ofcourse, i've heard many things about those churches..they're really sad. Aunt Marcia told me on a chat that mom was actually on her way down to see grandma, and she's dead now though.

I don't really know what to think, other than the Lord's will is always perfect and I wanna have kids soon, just to make sure my mom and dad get to be grandparents sometime in their life. I want my papa to hold my baby and cuddle with it, and I want him to do grandpa things....man. Those days will come I know. I just hope I won't be far from my parents during that time. I want them to be able to see their grandchildren. It says that grandchildren are a joy to the parents...and I want papap and mama to be happy. Ofcourse there's always that thing about getting married first! : )

As for crying over my sins.: I guess Brother Lawrence said it best, in The Practice of the presence of God:
"I consider God my King, against Whom I've committed all sorts of crimes. Confessing my sins to Him and asking HIm to forgive me, I place myself in His hands to do whatever he pleases with me. This King, Who is full of goodness and mercy, doesn't punish me. Rather, He embraces me lovingly and invites me to eat at His table. He serves me Himself and gives me the keys to His treasury, treating me as His favorite. He converses with me without mentioning my sins or my forgiveness."
This is the kind of love I was crying about tonight. Becuz I am forgiven. And I am like this traitor that has committed all sorts of henious acts of treason against her country, and i am brought before the Judge, by Satan and am pointed at and condemned by him. Yet everything with in me cries out--"I need your forgiveness Sir, Lord, King. I am nothing less than a peasant, a begger at your feet. Please do with me what you will. But above all things, I beg for your mercy on my life although I do not deserve it, or even expect you to give me it. In exchange for my life, I will spend all of my days serving you alone, my King."
And I say it with such sincerity and desperation, but the onlookers don't realize, this is the 30th time I've asked the same petition of my King. And He accpets my pleas once again. Ofcourse this disgusted the worm satan, becuz he came for my blood, he came to see my blood spilled. He came to see my die. But my King, my Lord, loved me so much, he said this last time, "I will take the punishment for you." and he walked over to executioner that was standing by....He said this becuz He knew then, that I would never have to worry anymore that He might say no. But that He will always forgive me. Becuz He already did. And becuz He did this, it made me not want to sin. It made me cry becuz He loved me so much....He wanted me to be with Him that much!

I can't fathom it sometimes....too great forwords

Isaiah 59:1-2 "See, the Lord's hand is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear. Rather, your iniquities hae been barriers between you and your God, and your sins have bhidden his face from you so that he does not hear."

This is what keeps me from the Lord. I've confessed that there has been darkness in my eyes, and in my heart. And it says that if there is a bit of darkness in your eye then it consumes you whole body. And I can say yes. But, i've prayed for God to be Lord over my mind and everything that goes on in there and that he would be like an umbrella to shield any more attacks satan would try on my mind, and that all those attacks will just fall off, cuz the Lord is a shield about me, in mymind. And that God would scoop outta my mind anything that doesn't belong to Him, and then, if there's just a tiny little mustard seed left behind after He does that, I prayed that it would germinate and spread like fire over my mind and the rest of me would be consumed in His thoughts, in His ways, and I would change. Along with this, I prayed for a protection over my heart, and for God to clean house again. Inside my heart. There might be cobwebs and stinky clothes that haven't been washed in years, but i'm willing to let him clean my stinky-clothes, not matter how horrible they might be. Although, I wish I could wash them myself. But I can't.

So, after doing this, I reflect on that verse- The Lord's hand isn't too short. It is long and it can save me again. New every morning, remember? Also, I am not talking to a blank wall anymore. I never have been. Satan wanted to convice me that I was, or was that just my own thinking? Who knows anymore. Sometimes i can't tell the difference. Sad, huh? SO, the Lord isn't deaf, He can hear me.

So, I welcome the day, waking up at around 9:00-ish, and now it is 11:35- I have lunch already. Well, it's partly lunch and breakfast. I might send something to DQ today, and try to get a hold of Tummy, so she can send pictures to work-- I gotta find the address though. I'm sure Carla and Mark would love to hear from me, along with the rest of the crew....I will type them, and Ellen can post it. I should also email Ms. Lee.
I was thinking of her, as i cleaned dishes.

Well, I shall dash and take a shower now. shave my legs possibly, I'm a furry little mokey. Well, not really :)
sweet spring song

Okay. so let me start over again. I just finished watching Reign of Fire, and it was an okay movie. Except the last line was a woman saying "Here's to Evolution"--as if Evolution had the last laugh.
I went to the english corner tonight also, i'm kinda getting sick of going to those, beczu they always ask me the same question- all the time. "Yes, I like it in China. No, I don't know any chinese. I am from America. NO I don't have a boyfriend. Yes, i like my students..." Blah, blah, blah.
I'm debating on whether or not i should just type up a sheet of their questions and I can bring it with me everywhere I go, in order to save my breath and throat. I have a slight sore throat right now. I am wondering if it's becuz of the spacers. I don't know. i was suppose to get braces on today, but ofcourse, the doctor said that he will call this weekend to do it on Sat. or Sunday, becuz he had to go to a different city today, for some reason. I plan on telling him that I can't pay 4,000 Yuan, becuz that is too much. David Li told me that he's asking too much. And I will tell him that I found out the prices at the other hospital was only 2,000 Yuan. So, it's cheaper in another place and I can go there instead, if he doesn't lower the prices. And all will be said and done. i am not about to be ripped off by a stinkin' dentist. I can't believe they do this sort of thing. Makes me mad. But i forgive them.

Welp, i took a three hour nap today. I might go to bed soon again. Oh. yeah. another thought- Grandma might die soon. Like today or tomorrow. really soon. Becuz the doctor said that her body is slowly being shut down. That makes me so sad, and it makes me want to have kids really soon, so I can make sure that I have a grandmother for my grandchildren...hoping so. They won't be so old either. Or a grandpa for that matter. I hope both mom and Dad live to see my children....but both of my grandma's won't. I'm sure....Oh. man. i miss grandma Grose.....ooohhh. She was always so kind and even though she was deaf, and had all the reason in the world to be a grumpy old' grandma, She never WAS!! She always loved us, and cheered us up, and taught us sign language.. Grandma Loree' always went swimming and she taught us swimming--and we went camping with her. It's weird. But i think i'm a bit like both of my grandmas'. I love to swim and I love to camp, and I love grandma Grose and her silliness sometimes....and i'm a bit lovin' like her. I wonder how Mama and her sister's are taking it. I wont' be there for the funeral, obviously. It's sad. I haven't seen my grandma for a long time. i have no clue what she looks like right now. I guess it's for the better. I mean, the last I remember her was a Thanksgiving Day that we had over at her and grandpa's house, and she seemed to be getting along alright but she wandered around saying weird, meaningless things. Little chitter chatter that didn't really mean anything. The Alziehmer's took her quickly. I hope I don't get it. I type this now, hoping that someday, if I do get it....somebody will read this and know that I knew I was gonna. But, in any case, if I do get it-- whoever might read this, YEARS AND YEARS DOWN THE ROAD, INTO THE FUTURE--- Please just entertain yourselve's with my silliness, as I mumble weird meaningless things, and please pray for the Lord's will to be done in my life. But, who knows if this journal will even last that long....!!! Hopefully.
So, i shall dash now, hither too forth...into the wind...of dreams.
sweet spring song

I am sitting in the dark, cuz I feel as though it hides me. Although nobody is here. Nobody is looking
My ridiculous face is completely breaking out and i just can't stand it!!

Anyways...enough of that...i will be getting medicine someday soon, If Sharron ever sends IT!! ARG! Well, i can praise the Lord I will be getting coffee soon though! The real stuff I mean. Rebecka is hookin' me up! she's already sent it. I wonder how i'm gonna make it? I don't know. i'll find some way. Shoot, i'll EAT the beans if I have to!!
I am wearing my wrist guard cuz ofcourse my wrists haven't been to good. suck. Oh well, i still know that the Lord is for me, not against me. He will heal me. My belly kinda hurts on one side. wonder what that's about? I don't know. Shoot. I find, if I sleep in past a certain time, my dream or whatever it is- turns bad sometimes...it turns into things that I think Satan uses--well, that satan plants inside my brain...and then i wake up with this yucky dream in my head...that I probably allowed to have...i hate that. When i can choose to STOP some sorta sin, sometimes i completely freeze up and don't say anything- don't rebuke satan, don't call out Jesus' name...don't do anything. And sometimes that's the stupidest thing to do...or to not do. i guess

Well, I'm planning on doing a Christmas presentation with all my kids--and whoever else wants to help. Singers, actors, artists, props- managers. I hope this will be good. I hope I will be able to communicate with the kids pretty good. I'm planning on starting on Sunday, and wednesdays...we will all get together and practice Christmas songs and maybe I can write a Christmas play. I was thinking about it. it will be good. i think. IF ofcourse, this is something God wants done. it will be done. no worries.

So- i'm getting a bit more sleep. that first night was a torture experiement on me I think. I don't wanna know how much the first month of having braces is gonna feel! I will save the rest of my asprin for that i think. he,he,he.
I wonder if i'll work at DQ again, when i get back to Oregon. I hope not. But if I don't find another job elsewhere, I will work there. And I pray i'll start out at as much i was making when i left. I'll put in for jobs at Cafe's and coffee booths, just to see if God wants me elsewhere. He will open a door for me, if so. And, if he wants me to live with Sharron again. He will provide for everything. I don't worry as much about the future as I did when i was at EBC.
I was thinking about telling Josh he could check out my blogger now. but i kinda dont' want him to. Never mind i told myself. Ya. i saw pictures of him, and for some reason, I was stirred up in myself. WHen i saw him, i felt the same way i did when we started going out. Like, I was convincing myself that it's right for us to go out, that we make sense or something. I was reasoning with myself....that is was right, when i knew...inside, I was screaming that it wasn't. I wanted it to be right. It's like I know that the color BLUE is BLUE, and not RED. it's the same way i felt about Josh--like, i knew that he wasn't the color blue, but I was trying to convice myself that he was. I'm so stupid sometimes.....I could'a spared Josh this heart ache and time, if I just said NO straight up front. Oh~well, i gotta let the past go into the past.

so, yes. i will continue on my path here in China. June isn't so far away. I fret for nothing.
sweet spring song.

The life of the brace face. I guess that can be my nickname now. I will be Ms. Braceface once Friday rolls around. Yup. Today i went braces shopping, if I can put it like that....mmm.
I went with Sopheia, the little God blessed angel...and she helped me by being my traslator. first we went to this nasty dental room, where it was just that. One room. off a back alley street and there was just one dental chair in it, along with a few posters on the wall. I felt wrong about it at first, and said no thanks, and went on my way.
Then, Sopheia said there was a hospital, just for dental stuff, and we took the bus there. #58- on my...man, on my way. to get braces. So, i got there and it had three floors, in comparison to the other place this was a castle...and clean and a good hospital. So, i went ahead and schedualed for next Friday. So, today he put spacers in the back of my teeth, bottom and upper,and it kinda hurts, but not a lot. I can barely eat though. cuz i can't bite down all the way how i used to- it sucks.
I knew braces would hurt. Well, the beginning stages hurt. I wonder how much more, with all the braces on!! And where the doctor cut me hurts too- it stings!! this sucks
well, I will get over it.
I'm gonna hafta stay here for longer though! : (
kinda upset about that. Cuz i can't really leave, unless i come back, and have this doctor finish it. i would hafta stay till April of 2005. Maybe i'd get my braces off for my Birthday! and i hafta find out what i'd be doing for all the rest of those 10 months that i'd be here- like where would I work? Here again? in Luo Yang? well, i'd hafta stay in Luo Yang, becuz this is where my doctor is. But, i wonder if I'd get to sign on with this school again, who knows? i'll ask David Li and Dean Uain. i'll find out. God has a plan.
I wonder if this is part of the plan? Having filled my dreams of getting braces one day. Maybe, I think becuz of God's infinate wisdom and plan that He already knew I would need them. Ofcourse, He created me.

So, Dean Uain told me that I will be teaching a little kids class, of 10 yrs old. I'm totally blanking out, as to HOW the heck i'm gonna teach them!! Gosh i hate this. suprise! Yer gonna teach kids! I don't know what to do! OH, well, Jesus knew this too. I will teach them kiddie songs, i think....I'm sure most of the things I will do with them will be repeat-Parrot work. They must be the Parrots. They will repeat what i will say, most of the time probably. God knows....God Knows.....that enough for me.

I was thinking of that song, by Waterdeep-The Five Wise Virgins CD- "Love is..." song that they have. I wish I had that CD...good stuff. Anyways, I started singing it yesturday when Bill and Eva were here, and then, today i felt i should read I Cor. 10-15, well, i only read up utill 13, and that's where it says all the Love verses. Beautiful, just beautiful. I love it. God is so perfect. I just needa rely on HIm.
Kinda like one who is drunk, and they're all hangin' off their best friends' shoulder and that's the only support that actually KEEPING them standing. I will rely on Him like that.

I think it's good time to sign off for now, I wanna check out JC's site. Wonder if he's actually posted anything new finally!!
sweet spring song, other wise known as Braceface