a guy stopped over here today. with some of his students, from SIAS. Bill and Eva know him. his name i Ryan, and he's grown up in China. Hong Kong- cuz his parents were missionaries there. Now, he's chosen to be a missionary in China. Anyways. he, along with the other students he brought with him, prayed for me. I cried, cuz it seems like I can't pray myself. I'm choked up --and I seem so far away from Him. I don't think he's there anymore. OH. man. I'm not gonna get into that now.
Anyways. he said he'll ask the main guy that's in charge about getting me to work over there at SIAS...either that or getting me outta here. I told him how i feel about talking to Darwin. I don't know if he understands that- or what I meant.
so, i had a little bit a better day.
i didn't have a dream last night though. I wonder if i'll have one tonight. one about why God wants me here.
And I guess now, that if God wants me to go, he'd create a way out for me. He'd create an open door. and if God wanted me to teach here, He'd help me out. I hope He starts helping me out. I really need it.
anyways.
i'm engery less. so i'm gonna split now.
sweet spring song.

Going crazy and not really caring right now
it seems everyone around me is just a dream
it's all a haze.
fake.
I dont' know what to think of it.
i'm going crazy i think
I pray I have a dream that will change my thinking.
i pray i have a life altering dream where i remember what is real and what is fake
a prophetic dream

Well,
Still working out the whole leaving thing. I'm currently listening to christmas music online. I heard Cheech and Chong's Christmas song "Santa Claus and his old lady"!!!!!!!!! and it was hilarious!! "Santa Claus, the man with the hair on his jaws,..." Funny song. man i laugh my butt off everytime. I really wanna go out do sumthin' right now. I don't know if I should go out by myself though. All the students are study for exams. Kinda sucky, cuz none of them can really come with me.
It's snowing outside. well, it was. And it made me think of the first snow that Michigan gets. How it's really calming to look outside and just watch it fall. I compare it to an old man, sitting in a rocking chair, who, year after year, sees his grandchildren come in that front door with gifts in theirs arms and their parents following them through the door with smiles on their faces. Somewhat like the years passing by slowly around him. As he rocks in his chair, looking on as his grandchildren become 5, then 10 and then 21 and then old enough to marry. Snow falling .....simply falling. Fat flakes from heaven.

Well, I don't have any plans for today, so I guess I can afford to spend it walking around downtown and possibly getting lost. Mmmmm maybe. I'm listening to John Lennon's Merry Christmas, it's kinda sad. I love his voice though. It reminds me of Kevin. Ohhh. Kevin- fond memories, well, maybe not so fond. I'm glad I said no. It would've been sad .....But, i do wonder how he is doing. How Brian is and my cousins. Those times were the best, but I think now, they were the godless years. So, they were'nt really the best. They were reckless years. The lying years. But, i'm past that now. God has buried most of those times.
good thing.
sweet spring song

I'm still here. I need to get out though. I feel it every waking hour i spend here, that I MUST leave. Just like an emergency or something. I feel something creeping, sneeking up on me ...i don't know what it is. I feel i must leave and leave soon. There is no two ways about it.
I told David Li about it yesturday, and ofcourse he laid this big guilt trip on me....cuz they've done SOOO much for me, and i know they did. But i can't do anything about this. I really NEED TO LEAVE. Is there some sort of emergency, or reason that I must leave so quickly? But every moment I sit here, I know there is reason for me to leave. at night, i think of what would happen if somebody hunted me down. Like, if David Li were to bust down the door and threaten me, becuz they've done so much for me. Or if there are some people that he hired to spy on me. I think i have an overactive imagination. But i feel a presense i haven't felt before since being here.

I'm still waiting to find out if i can get a credit card. I mean, i applied for one online, i wonder how fast it takes.
Becuz if this takes longer than i should then i'm just flying myself home. Ofcourse David Li kinda pressured me, saying that this should be an easy thing for me to teach, and I"m like "Yeah, it should,but it's NOT" . School is different over in the USA. It's not like over here. And if I taught like I am teaching over here, over there in america, i know the students would be doing better. But they're not. I know they don't understand some of the stuff I say. and it's getting really annoying. I some what lose my patience. and I keep asking them what they would like to learn, or what they would like to do,...but they just sit there with blank faces on and dont' say anything.....AAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGG. it's really annoying. But anyways. I think of happy things to fill in the void. and the rest of this month, i will teach christmas stuff...if they understand it. and maybe we'll watch a movie.
I also think about what i'm gonna do when I get back. First, Job. Second, paying off things. Third, Orthodontist. Fourth, maybe go swimming. Ahhh. I think i'll set up a schedual for each week, what I will do when I get back. Plan each day. Wake up in the morning, make breakfast. Go for a hike up Mt. Pisgah, and pray and seek God's face about what to do now, and what His will is. Things change so rapidly. It's strange. I do feel though, i should go to Lane. No doubt about it. I am really excited about it, and i know that God's gifted me in the area of dinning stuff. Like, what would people like to have when they go out to a nice place to eat. On top of that, I could also be some sorta of recreation assistant. Like set up trips in camping, rafting, sking or whatever, scuba diving, (which I plan on taking classes when i get back to Eugene).
Yup. i think it will all be cool beans. I can't wait to see people again. I hope brandi has checked my email. I would love to live with her. Cuz I love living with Sharron, but it would rock to be in a house of woman that are in love with God. Cuz then we can have prayer times and stuff. bible studies. Well. I don't know. Whatever God wants me to do.
I've also been thinking about going to a deliverance center. Like, wherever there would be one. Cuz i think God wants to deliver me from some things...that I can't help myself be delivered from. I need some assistance. I need some professionals...that know what they're doing. That know how to do things. Cuz i don't. So, i will ask around. Possibly Desi's mom. She knows about this kinda stuff.
sweet spring song.

well, it might be almost certain that I'm going home. It's time. It's really time. I've been here for quite a bit, and I guess it's time to go.
I think the main lesson I've learned is that God is the only one that can help me, and He's the only one that I can rely on for things I need to deal with inside. There's still a lot of work he needs to do, but i can't believe I needed to go to China for Him to do it. Weird, i think. The way he works sometimes. I don't understand, and I guess I'm not suposed to understand.
By the end of the month I think, either that or Jan. sometime. I hope everything will work out to where I'll be able to get a job quick like, and possibly DQ again, if they want me. Hopefully i'll get hired on at the same wage. Not go down at all.
SO, i will type more once I find out for sure.


so it's later: and I talked to Bill, and he said he'd be able to help pay for everything, just as long as I can get the ticket from the school, the returning ticket, and it'll only cost 400 dollars. I'd be able to pay everything back in time I think. It's time to rock on. I still need to get my ticket from LA to Eugene. I think I'll try plane, but I still need to figure out what time I can leave, from China...China Air. I wish I was taking an American flight back home.
Something seems strange. about this whole thing. Like odd. Like deja Vu' or something. I dont' know. For some reason i feel as if I'm being heard, or watched, or tracked or something like that. I don't really like it that much. It's an uneasy feeling, like I should leave, and I feel like I should pack up everything soon. I dont' know why. I'd leave the end of this month, becuz Bill and Eva are leaving by the 1st of January, and I would like to be around them while I leave or something. I think that would be better.

I think things will be different when I get back. I will be moving on....like with things. It seems like my life just kinda stopped in China for a short 3 month lay over, and then is gonna continue once I get back. My perspective on a few things has change quite a bit. I'm content. I'm fine the way I am, with whatever happens. The Lord will always be there, always provide for me and always protect me, no matter where I am. And I know that. Not only that, on the idea of marriage and everything. I think I can wait. I can wait forever. Becuz it's not everything. It used to be this all consuming idea, or thought and it's not so much anymore.
Becuz i see old grandma and grandpa chinese people, everyday I walk down stairs and out to the street, heading to class. Every day i see them, sitting there on their chairs, or a couple digging through the garbage (for what- I dont' know), and they're content. They are still together. They outlasted the years of tribulation and hardship and rough waters. They endured, and you can see it on their faces. Wrinkely old faces. They remained faithful to eachother, no matter what came their way. And now they sit there, playing some weird chinese game, or playing with their grandchildren, which makes them happy. They are happy with the simple life they have, even if it is just a small little apartment with barely two bedrooms, with cement floors and not even a shower a day.
This is what REAL marriage is about. I know I was foolish and maybe a bit overly excited about the idea of getting married. But not so much anymore. Becuz I see that it's a bit more than what I thought. It's faithfulness. something that I need to work on. It's enduring, and testing and trying. It's all the hard things in life, but then- the cool part is....that you have somebody to lean on, when those times come. You have a shoulder to cry on, you have a stronger hang to hold, and sometimes, I'd be able to be the strong hand, i would be the encourager, when the other person was gonna give up.

I don't know how else to describe it all. But i feel it's time to go. it's right. everything is working out. and i pray that God would keep me here and slap me upside the head with a fish if He want's me to stay here.
I hafta work everything out with my braces before I get back to the US though. I mean, ask the doctor a ton of questions.....arg....getting a bit tired.
beddy bye time i think
sweet spring song