Yup, the day before i leave.
And i sat in a yucky restaurant by myself eating my yucky rice...it honestly wasn't too good...I've certainly had better.
I leave tomorrow at 7:00 in the morning, and I still needa' figure out what's happening with the whole ticket change thing- getting the whole 400 yuan for the differance, cuz NOW i don't have it. I am alright though, i think. I should be. God wants me to go back and i know that. i have comfort in that.
It kinda sucks...i don't even think that Brandi knows i'm coming back...none of my pals at christ center, or Keri for that matter, i think- knows that i'm coming back.---they're not expectin' me.
I've thought about it....i want to start over.. Like a new life, or a new heart, or something new. Like inside...where I look at things a bit differently.
I want to see the woods...the trees- i want to be in the water...where i can breathe again. The freshness is there and it's peaceful.
Ohhhh. Ach. I don't know what i'm talking about really. I just miss home. I miss.....hmmm.
Well, i found out by an email that Josh has a girlfriend! and i was quite shocked,...like, "why didn't he just tell me before?" It's not like i would have been heart broken, or torn apart becuz of that. In fact I'm really happy that he's happy, and that whoever he's going out with is happy. It's always a happy thing to see two people joined together... like that anyways. I still feel as though mine is far away, in some distant land...like Tibet, or something. Well, not really. But symbolically---cuz i always talk symbolically anyways- I just feel as though he's millions of miles away and I will never reach or find him. But maybe it's me that is distant- maybe it's me that is the one that is millions of miles away....
Shoot- sometimes i think that it's all just a fairy tale in my mind, made up- like, a dream...that I could have true happiness in love and marriage...that it's actually just a myth...and i have such HIGH expectations...like hollywood has formed in me by all these movies, where the ending is always where the guy and girl live happily ever after- when it's quite different than that in real life.
Gosh. i really shouldn't be thinking about this. it's all really depressing...and i am really too busy inside to be depressed about anything.
I gotta slim down my suitcase yet, and add a few things...leave some old clothes behind, and possibly just bring my fatty suitcase down here tonight- cuz i'm on the 4th floor, and i gotta haul my suitcase down all these steps
So chow for now.
sweet spring song

Christmas Day-
Be jolly? Yeah, i guess I hafta be. Maybe i'm just PMS'ing...i don't know. I want to cry like every 15 minutes becuz of everything.
I think God brought me here to break me and it worked. I'm torn, broken, in peices on the grounds....chards of glass....and who knows if i can ever be brought back together.
All i know is that i'm not letting go no matter what Satan says. I can't. I told him i wouldn't. But, i will seek help, outside of my own mind.
I'm making it a point to go to the Healing Rooms when i get back, maybe in a month or so. I don't have any money, so i just pray God creates a way, cuz i need deliverance. Here it comes again,...wanna cry.
i hold back the tears though, cuz it's sad to cry on Christmas. People try to bring me joy and stuff, but it all seems worthless to do that, cuz i'm desperately needing love from Jesus. I tried to fill it with other things...with worldly things...and i find out that didn't work. I just had to see though, if it might. But i was fooling myself.
Gosh. I see how much I judged people, like Desi, or John from DQ--when they were going through all this stuff...like "Oh,... Desi did what?? John got drunk??" like, critizing...OH LORD....keep my tounge quite from those times ...ever again...to know that they're in this place that I am right now, or even worse...OH LORD, hold onto those who are in this situation, like I am, or worse...those that are on their last rope, last straw, last thread, or whatever it is....HOLD onto them....Make sure they know you are holding onto them and won't them go.

I feel so far away from everyone here at the SIAS campus....all strangers...all unfamiliar faces...I met a person tonight who was basically in the same spot as I am in now- about 4 yrs ago, and he held on...and God brought him back here too! for 4 yrs. he's been here. and I said "I pray that God brings you back in time"---and inside i was thinking "Don't pray that curse over me!"---but outwardly i was saying, "Yeah, if God wants me to" Like, I'll be obediant,.....I'll try. I mean, I came here the first time, right? Well, I don't wanna disobey Jesus, i'll obey Him. ....- but it'll be hard, that's for sure, if He'd want me to come back here.
I"m thinking about making my life easy to live---I'm currently planning an easy life to live for myself...but to think those plans can all fall apart in a moment....it's scary to be living by faith in Jesus. Becuz He could call you to do something you'd never thought you could ever do...He could call you to do the thing yer so scared of doing.....-
Joshua 1:9 I know....I know...you don't hafta tell me...I already know.

So this is Christmas....
wishing i were somewhere else...like in the arms of my Father...and in the arms of my real father. I called, but it was too early...and i just almost cried...i held it in....I feel like I gotta hold it in all the time...the lump in my throat won't go away though.
I'll get healing...in time. He will heal me.
The person God would call-
sweet spring song

tis' currently Tuesday. And God created a way outta this place for me. I am so grateful...really very grateful. I wonder, if He knows now, how much i am falling apart inside. Or maybe he knew first, and it wasn't really a suprise for him. But, maybe he made this trip to China apart of my life, in that it was suppose to build my faith, and really rely on Him. I said it before, and i'll say it again: This trip was meant to either make me or break me. Break me from my faith in Jesus or strengthen it. I don't know what it did yet though. I guess i'll find out once i get back. But, i guess since i still believe in Jesus, then it didn't break me, but how come i feel like I am broken. Like, in peices on the ground of this Chinese world i'm currently living in.
I ask myself if i have failed God- like, did i do what He wanted? was I obediant? I kinda think so, but for some reason i feel like i'm still falling apart inside. I don't think this trip was meant to keep me together, as if I actually DID have it all together inside. But I think on a few things that it's showed me:
1. That God has really blessed me, by meeting my needs and physical things.
2. That life is more than food and drink
3. That success is doing the will of God
4. That I have SOOO many opportunities given to me, just becuz i was born in America and now i'll take those opportunities better.
5. The world is a BIG place and it's still an adventure set before my feet...and i hope for more better adventures with the ONE I love.
6. That I am a weak woman and I can do nothing apart from the Lord's hand
7. That simple acts of kindess are IN themselves a testimoney to Jesus, as long as you keep giving the glory to God, and keep yer eyes focused on the Lord.

And I think that's all i've really noticed so far.
But, i'm extremely happy to be going home.
I'm seriously looking into going to a deliverance place...just to get the thing that makes me weak OUT. cuz i can't battle the storm on my own anymore.
Ach.
I long for the green rolling hills of beautiful Oregon once again -- i long for the rain on my face and the cool air. I long for the green life again. A life where things are alive, and not dead. A life where i can breath freely. A place that I can call home...somewhere. AHHHH.
auf weidersehen.