one second to post.
I'm getting tired of work at Dairy mart already. and Megan called me yesturday! OH! i was sooo happy to hear from her- she's doing good. getting married in October, I'm so happy i'll be there for her wedding. I hope she knows that i'm not offended that she didn't ask me to be in her wedding...cuz i really didn't deserve to any ways.
GOSh.
Amber's getting married July 9th- so soon. and i really hope i'll have enough cash to actually make it there! OH< Lord please! It's doesn't look so promising to me right now, but the Lord can do ANYTHING!
so i shall dash for now.
apes

hey.
i just got this email from my friend in New Jersey- and it's Joseph. He was my best friend in YWAM, who i fell in love with,...and anyways...he just typed me to tell me how he is really doing.- He says he fell in love with this girl that doesn't believe in Jesus, and she's in love with him too- but He had to break the news to her that he can't see her anymore, and it's breaking his heart, and he want's to numb the pain with drinking...getting drunk.
Man. how many times....
how many times...?
have i wanted to give up myself> thinking that there's never gonna be that dream-man: that Godly man, who is a man of the earth, who is kind and gentle, but strong and tall?
How many times?
have i wanted to throw in the towel and think that it's not gonna happen for me...that my guy doesn't exist?
too many times.
but I still hold onto the idea...
I still hold onto Jesus,...the hope of my life.
The hope of my dream- or is it HIS dream?
yeah, it's HIS dream...really it is.

Becuz if i let go of the dream, or the promise of God, then it would be ME throwing in the towel---it would be ME saying "I give up"----when, i CANNOT say that or do that. It's like one of the forbidden laws of loving GOD. "I'll never give up on you LORD"- becuz he never gave up, or will ever give up, on me.
I've always said this to HIM...and I've always meant it.

It will be the same in my marriage.
I can never and WILL never give up...becuz I can't.
that's that.

But- i hurt for my brother...I loved him..--really. we were really good friends, and still are- but i surely do miss him...He's still my brother. and i wish i could see him, to give him a hug,..and tell him that "she" exists out there- somewhere- the Godly, loving wife, that God speaks to him of.
Shesh.
LORD- HELP MY BROTHER JOSEPH HOLD ONTO YOU MOST OF ALL, AND HOLD ONTO YOUR PROMISES THAT YOU'VE GIVEN HIM. SHOW HIM WHAT ENDURANCE IS. SHOW HIM YOUR FAITHFULNESS. I PRAY THAT HE WOULDN'T TURN TO DRINKING, TO NUMB THE PAIN. I PRAY THAT HE WOULD REALIZE ALL HE REALLY NEEDS IS YOU. YOU ARE THE ULTIMATE END TO ALL THINGS (and beginning) AND YOU ALONE CAN LOVE HIM HOW HE TRULY WANTS TO BE LOVE. HOLD HIM CLOSE AND REMIND HIM OF WHO YOU ARE AND WHO YOU ARE NOT. I PRAY THAT YOU WOULD EVEN BRING HIM TO OREGON TO BE CLOSER TO THE FAMILY OF GOD, AND THAT HE WOULD REACH THAT MOUNTAIN OF GOD THAT YOU WANNA BRING HIM TO. SHOW HIM THAT THERE'S MORE YOU WANNA DO IN HIS LIFE RIGHT NOW.
amen.

that's all for now.
ciao.

i got the job at Dairy mart.
God is so gracious towards me.
i deserve nothing.
i come humbly before him and ask for him to bring humility even stronger in my life right now. cuz obviously I need it.
Ciao.

Ah.
the horrible feeling of sin.
it lingers.
it darkens the soul.
it keeps you in a pit of despair.
Until you realize you can look up and find hope.
I guess being saved is up to you- the individual. You can choose to stay in your own sin and wallow there. But then you can also humble yourself and accept the fact that you need somebody to help you. and that somebody is the only one that can help you out of your sin- Jesus.
And His name is sweeter than anyone else's name.
it's a joy to call it out.
but then you feel the shame and the guilt.
but then you realize that's only Satan trying to pull you down- and kill you. and destroy everything that God has worked on in you.
How many times have I told Jesus that I'd choose him, rather than my sin. and How many times has that not happened. UGH.

The deceiver sucks.
He really does...the life out of everything that is living.

But I will look to the one that can give me hope and save my soul from despair.

I can't wait to go home....ahh. home...both,. the everlasting home and the Michigan one.
So, i must go to the Dairy Mart in town and find out when I'm starting. and if i didn't get the job then i'm screwed. But, i'll be working tons- and saving every penny. No more fun for me for a while. I'll walk everywhere and ask other people to drive, so I don't waste gas.
I should check my account balance.
Ciao for now.