I kinda feel like singing that song that Pink Floyd sings: "Is there anybody out there?"- cuz that's kinda how i feel right now..
Out in the abyss of Michigan. not really knowing what to do, but knowing i need to do something. 
looking for something that's there, but not even knowing if it's even there.
 
I was thinking of something as i was driving blue around today. I never expected much from my parents. Didn't expect anything, while i grew up, cuz they never gave us much, and still don't expect anything from them, cuz it would be asking too much. It was always asking too much.
i don't know. maybe i was just running through the many fights that went on in the house while growing up.  man there was a lot fighting. and tension.  not knowing if the next fight could turn into a hand to the face or body across the room.
man things were screwed up when i was little.
and Jesus came to me.
He was there even then.- that's what he told me when i got saved, cuz i did ask him why did all that stuff happen to me and my sister...and where was HE during all of it!? 
"I was there with you."
"I was hit and bruised and beaten too, i know what you went through."
just when i thought nobody understood me.
 
Hmmm. Amber's wedding reception at Pam and Dave's house was today- and her friend, Greg- who's like 21- we hung out and talked about stuff and ended up going for a boat paddling ride thingy..(i don't know how else to describe it..)- we rode around in a boat that could float on water and we biked...to paddle it..that's the closest i can describe it. But anyways. we were talking about Amber, life and God. He's a Catholic..and it just got me to thinking-why do people feel like they need to pray to Mother Mary?  - i mean, she's not even GOD! and it doesn't say ANYTHING in the bible about praying to God's mother. so, why do they do it?
I should ask him...cuz he'd like to hang out sometime..to talk, cuz i told him that i really need to be making more friends, cuz i don't have anyone to hang out with. he's just a really nice guy to talk to.
 
So, i hope i can live in amber's apartment, once her and duane move to CMU.
I really hope.
I might most likely be going to NMC>...ugh! i don't wanna go to school again! whine, moan groan, complain...i'm just sooo sick of it.!
but i need to- i know.
 

 i gotta type a poem now....well, it's been a long time since i've typed a poem- but i gotta get those creative juices flowing now...
this goes out to my new Portugese friend, Fernando:
 
The fading sun dances with the Sea Gulls on the bay,
i sigh.
Because at least the sea gulls have somebody to dance with.
 
Gritty sand gets stuck in between my toes,
and i start my journey, only ankle deep in water.
This water means more to me than just something.
it means life.
 
Once again i see a Sea Gull and I'm somewhat envious,
i chase it down, going knee deep in the water
and not caring.
 
i continue on my journey, not worried so much about the Gulls.
Untill i saw HIM, out there in the deeper part of the water, walking.
and HE was dancing as the sun set.
I wanted to dance too, especially on top of the water with HIM. 
 
Standing in the knee deep coolness,
HE saw me, He called me and said i could join HIM.
ofcourse doubt consumed me and the weight of worry.
how could i overcome the water with this heavy weight around my neck!?
i will drown for sure.
 
HE walks over to me and takes the weight off my shoulders,
lifting me up out of the water with one hand,
and a smile.
"I knew you wanted to dance, I created these sunset moments for you alone, so we could dance"
and we did.
untill the sun set and the ducks passed us by....
 
 
** i know it's more like a story than it is a poem, sorry dude, i tried!
I think i'd get better if i wrote more!
SO, ciao for now,
april

Yeah.
i don't know what to type. and i'm mostly typing becuz i'm bored. All the resume's i put out still haven't gotten a hold of me. But i think Reflections will call. I just need to get a job somewhere.
and fast.
cuz i won't be able to drive my van for a while, cuz i won't have insurance or plates on it. cuzi gotta get all this stuff...
ARRRGGG>
this is kind of annyoing.
 
i went for a bike ride today and it really wore me out. i went around the bay, sat down, breathed in and out and listened to the wind. not that many people listen to the wind anymore.  sad.
i don't know what to do.
blah. ...............................
i give up.
i'm gonna walk down to the store and get some ice cream and sit and watch the water.
as if i'll get some answers there.

"I'm falling on my knees, offering all of me, Jesus, you're all this heart is living for"
- Hungry CD

true. true.

Anyways. I was reading CNN online and found that Bush recently visited MICHIGAN! yeah! and i was like off the wall excited! but i just missed him! dang!- he went to Marquette of all places! in the U.P! what's up with that!? it's like a small stinkin' city. but, anyone that would wanna see him would drive the distance to go see him, don't cha' think? Yea.- so i wish i could've seen him. I wonder....Why do they hafta bash eachother so much??? I mean, the Bush campaign is actually staying away from the bashing as much as they can, but all Kerry is standing on is the bashing and verbal abuse that he throws Bush's way...as if that'll give him the votes. Sorry dude, don't think so.
It's weird saying this- cuz it's not like i know Bush at ALL- But i'm soooo proud of him...even through all the battles he's had to endure.. all the things that he had to go through, in the end, blemishing his own name. He took it too. i still think that He will be our president next year- and I WILL VOTE. cuz i'll make myself.
I think i put too much sugar in my coffee : (
ugh!

it's a bit dreary out today, and i'm slightly glad about that, cuz the weather has been so gross and sticky and i can't stand that!
I think i'll go for a long bike ride today!! to downtown, around the water and stuff.
and i think i'll finally give in and put my resume into Reflections- even though i really need to get outta restaurant stuff. (cuz of my wrists)- I know they would hire me cuz i've worked there for 3 years before.
I just need to start making money, paying off things. ya know. be a responsible citizen!
i think i wanna go on a trip today, cuz i don't hafta work for like 2 days! and oh, crap! I gotta get all my insurance and stuff done adn plates. dude, it's just WAY too much money, i really need to get a good job.

hey ya'll out there in blogger world.
I'm in the midst of trying to find a new job- and i called up the Faith Reformed Church (where i actually accepted Jesus as my savior) to see what they've done with my Resume and stuff..and they said that, becuz their Ex. Admin. was on vacation last week, He's not getting to them untill this week and the woman on the phone was really nice..
OH, man i hope i get a substantial job. Cuz i'm only working like 3 days a week at the Carb. Shop. it sucks. so i'll have like a 25 dollar check! joy for me!
But i guess i should be happy the lord helped me get a job as soon as I got here
Oh. Man. i just need.....
BLAH BLAH BLAH- I HATE THE FACT THAT I'M just whinning on my blogster.
cuz i hate whinning.
Mom and I might go biking! that'll be fun!
and i wanna get a little basket to put on the back of my bike, so I'll use to more to do stuff- like ride to work and such. Cuz If i get a little basket i can put my stuff in there and get a lock.

I am feeling better. a little. little drowsy. I was drifting off to sleepy land, with my doggie, boopie (blue), before i was gonna leave for work- and i realized it was TIME to leave,...and I was like "BLOOPIE YOU DIDN'T WAKE ME UP!"- so i was hurrying up to go to work.
UHMMM> what else.
IT'S SO HOT HERE IN MICHIGAN! IT'S LIKE HUMID AND STICKY! I hate this weather! cuz i step outside for a second and sweat bullets.
Yuck.
i wish i could chat with somebody while i'm at work!
"This is how you remind of what i really am..."
- i think i take something with this song with me.
He reminds me I'm falliing when i ask for grace. He reminds me of who I am when i think nobody's there.
i think i should read the online bible again.
last time i did that, i started to develope a fever.... : (
i don't know...maybe i shouldn't now! : )

I'm currently listening to Song of the Lakes - "Afterglow"- this song is talking about waking up with the one you love, after all the years have gone by-
"Sunday morning afterglow, and the one thing i know is that you're with me and i'm with you..."
*** This song makes me think of a house on a not-so populated lake, and a not-so big house, and a little wooden deck on the back with an old grand-ma type rocking chair and a little pooch sittin' next to it...and the sun is barely setting...it's late summer and air is humid, the kind that makes your legs stick to the chair... And a sigh of love (or rest?)- comes out of my mouth as I'm just rocking slowly and watching the sun dance on the water with the ducks. Oh...dream of dreams.
and it's not that i'm really WITH somebody either- it's like Jesus is with me and my little doggie, which is suprising... and it's like, for a moment, I've caught that amazing, completely tangible REST that Jesus talked about, (the rest the Pharisees would never find) and it was mine for that one moment in life...by the water side, in my little rocking chair, on the humid summer night.
I was MORE THAN CONTENT.
I was SATSIFIED in everything the LORD had done and will do.
I WAS AT REST.


So, yeah. i some weird dreams these past few nights being sick and all-102 degree fever...horrible, but it went down the second day late at night..now i just have raging headaches and my ears are starting to hurt (which is a bad thing, cuz i had like 3 ear operations when i was a kid...so i don't wanna hafta back to urgent care, cuz it cost me like 60 bucks!)- but i'm totally declaring GOD's healing word over my life and my body- cuz my mom just sits around the house and comments on all these different ailments that run in our family (like diabetes and arthritis and alzehmiers) so I'm thinking while she's talking about all this ("I'm not gonne get it, cuz my blood is different now, i have the blood lineage of Jesus and he took all my sickness away from me. I don't claim it on myself")--- and mom and i talked about church the other day- cuz i told her i visited a different church on Sunday- i went to the Calvary Church that's just up the road from my house- and it was JUST like New Hope- where i use to go, but it's smaller...and well, i mean it wasn't bad or anything, but worship was all just routine it seemed and i thought i was the only who raised my hands (just a little bit)- in the whole place. It was just very quite and conservative.
So- I'll be visiting another church when i go next sunday.
I'm not saying that people who don't raise their hands while worshiping is a bad thing- What I'm trying to say is that I wanna find a church that's pretty close to Christ Center- back in oregon...where i could worship the LORD openly and not be concerned whether or not the people around me would be offended. I want to find a church that praises the LORD somewhat joyfully too! (gesh, go figure...i'm so demanding!)
So- my mom and I were talking about this- and i told her that i felt kinda restricted at that church and that it was just a little to conservative for me, so i'm gonna visit another one next sunday- and she's like, "what do you mean?" and I'm like "Well, i like worship that's more active, like, if yer praising the lord you should be joyful about and if you wanna clap your hands and love the Lord with all your heart, you should be able to do that in church!" (and i motioned the clapping hands thing)
and she's like "What! NO! you're suppose to be reverent to the LORD in HIS HOLY SACTUARY!! not all this clapping stuff, becuz that's not HOLY!"
(one thing you gotta know about my mom, she was raised with RELIGIOUSITY, AS A SEVENTH-DAY ADVENTIST- so it's all about process and works and duty and stuff.)
and i was thinking, ("gesh, it's gotta be pretty stressing and burdensome to know that you can't worship God in all manners- cuz King David even danced! and he was a KING! how much more should we dance and sing and use all sorts of instruments to praise him! )
Ofcourse, i know that worship isn't just music- I've taken Mr. Buttacavoli's "Music and Worship" class at EBC and it was GREAT it opened my eyes to SO much to what real worship is, and Jesus moved powerfully in that class, when i was in it. but what it was about is that whatever you do, sacrificially- iguess, is an act of worship to the LORD. You can bow down and worship the lord, you can clap your hands and worship the lord...you can give you tithe and worship the lord, and you can help your neighbor and be worshiping the lord!!!------
IT'S ALL A MATTER OF THE HEART- where our hearts lie there is our treasure, so really, our whole lives should be a beautiful dance of worship weaved all around the years we've know the KING---

* another thought- i've always pondered-
is there a difference between a Living Sacrifice (as Paul describes in Romans-i think it is..?) and a Christian ? (using the examples that you have encountered or known- other brothers and sisters in Christ, using your personal experiences- is there a difference?)
I'll leave this up here and see who gets the chance to answer.
I really should split, cuz i gotta update my resume' and send some out today.

"It's time to grow, she'll make it on her own, she'll make it on her own...follow the winds of the open sea and make it on her. A bit afraid of the unknown and all that may come, to lead her to some distant shore, where she will make her way..."
-Song of the Lakes
"Woman in the Twilight"
-here's another one!

"Lake Michigan beautiful pearl of America! Thank you for finding me a home, I've been gone for so long , I've been sailing the seas, many a land I have roamed, and your whispering breaze of your sweet summers seeds guided me through all the rain. They led me through gails with your winds in my sails to a place that I wish to remain...."
-Song of the Lakes
"Pearl of America"

it's me here, still somewhat sick...head ache is raging and my throat is killing me...but i think the fever has gone down to normal, i'm gonna ask my mama to check it here, after i type.

i think i'll visit that different church today, even though i'm sick..that would be fun...i wanna see different church from around here..
signing off for now.