I thought i might begin the day typing what i felt last night- during the wedding reception i was working.
1. lonliness
2. depression
3. wonder
4. doubt.

and some other mixed feeelings that i can't put my finger on.
i've been contemplating that quote- "better to love and to have lost, then to have never loved at all."
i wonder if it's true.
becuz last night- i really wanted love. not lust, not a dad, not a mom, not a brother or sister, ...i wanted love, i wanted my love.
i wanted to be the one in the wedding dress, kissing my husband, throwing the flowers, dancing with my dad.
OH. sigh. and it hits me so hard, cuz the depression is overwhelming becuz when you want love, you want love...and there's nobody there to love you.
ugh.
and then i remind myself that i hafta hold on. i am wine....i am a vineyard...

all of creation groans, and i understand that sooo much right now.
my body wants to give up this life SOOO much, it's tired, it's just dragging on through day and night, and my heart is like a stone right now. and i wish it would be made a heart of flesh. i don't wanna be hardened, i wanna feel again.
i was thinking about lepers last night- the fact that they can't feel pain is what kills them- eventually. and i don't wanna die without feeling the love of another person- like a husband.
and yeah,yeah,yeah...i know, i know, i know....Jesus is my first love...and that's just IT> i've known it for YEARS!!!- like 5 years now. and i've been living it 0ut- but now- in all seriousness...i am ready for love. for marriage...
or am i?
becuz Jesus hasn't brought the man around- maybe that's a BIG no-no. a BIG stop sign- something that should be telling me that i AM NOT ready for it.
maybe i think i know more than God. stupid me. why do i do that?
maybe i need to get a good enough job before i get married.
maybe i need to save some money up for a wedding dress-and any other expenses for a wedding.
maybe i need to just know and believe God for who he is- not for who i think he is, by my own human standards and experiences.

i will concentrate on the Word and my homework and be strengthened inside- cuz HE IS MY STRENGTH WHEN I AM WEAK, HE IS THE TREASURE THAT I SEEK, HE IS MY ALL IN ALL.
and i need to believe him.
i want HIM.
truly.
"She will be loved, She will be loved!" - song on the radio,...don't know who it's by.

ciao bella

time to blog.
at work. bored and antsy.
Last night i was thinking....girly dreams. of my long lost lover...and that i'm just waiting for him. UGH.
i need to hold onto Jesus. cuz He won't hurt me.
that scripture has been on my mind- the one that i felt validated me gettting my nose pierced- Ezekiel 16? i might have that wrong. nope. i don't- i checked.
but that verse where it says something like- "You were at the time for love, and i covered you with my robe-"
Verse 8:
"Then I passed by you and saw you, and behold, you were at the time for love; so I spread my skirt over you and covered your nakedness. I also swore to you and entered into a covenant with you so that you became Mine," declares the Lord.

this is the verse that has been running through my mind recently. but the horror of what Israel does- Israel slept around...becuz all the other nations saw how beautiful she was- and saw her glory (which the Lord himself gave to her)- and she played the harlot.
and i do not want to fall into the category. i can make the choice to not do that- and hold onto the Lord's love...and remember my promise with him- that i'm HIS, and he has called me HIS OWN. and that he will not give his love to another, nor his glory.

so i shall wait- only till that day that my father brings me to a man that is worthy, and that belongs to the Lord already. and i don't hafta worry.
ciao for now

all creation groans, as if it's in birth pains- it's groaning becuz it knows something. what it knows is that there is something MORE than this world. this world is not the ending itself, but the beginning stretch before we reach home.
and i guess you can say i'm in the groaning category right now- i was listening to Waterdeep "Almost there" and it stirs the groaning spirit in me- for that something more to come and to come quickly, becuz i can feel it- i'm almost there, but not yet. and i'm waiting...eagerly and almost impatiently- for that something more to come.
i'm almost there.
the home stretch.

so- Nancy's grandkids are over for a few days and we've aquired a new little kitty in the process! they brought it down with them- it's a girl cat, we think..or a boy...we're really unsure at this point : )
but we've named it Ziggy- and if it really IS a girl- it's gonna be called Ziggy Ann. so..it's a bit female-ish.

i watch Spiderman 2 last night- good movie....i'm glad it didn't suck...cuz sequel movies usually do. and there's more than likely gonna be a second one. i love that there's such a battle inside Spiderman- to love or to not love..and he doesn't wanna put MJ in that position to being hurt, becuz HE IS SPIDERMAN...but the thing is- he was making her choice for her- she decided to NOT marry that one guy- cuz she's known all along that she love him..spiderman..her friend. and she can't carry out the wedding and shows up on his door step- and it's cool- at the end, she's like "I"ve always been in your door way"- cuz she was really waiting for him, the whole time. and if she'd marry the other guy- that would just be her- throwing in the towel- giving up to a lesser blessing.
and that's my life story...well, not so much. cuz i'm not gonna throw in the towel. i KNOW i can't. i WON'T. becuz my first love will have nothing LESS than the best for me- and i won't give up his purpose for me, becuz i can't see it happening- i won't give up, cuz he will never give up on me.
i have like sooo long before i need to go to work- but i have nothing to do. i fixed my hair all cute like- the wormy-look...it's all wormed on the back of my head.
some of it is falling out though.
so. God reminded me of Psalm 127 today- if the Lord doesnt' build the house, or protect the city, the builder labors in vain, and the watchman keeps watch in vain. if the LORD doesn't do it- them the ones doing it will be working for nothing...and then it goes on to state that the children are like a quiver of arrows in the mans hands..and that they will be a blessing in old age or something- i like that verse too.
but since i have nothing else to talk about- i think i'll split for now.
ciao

i have nothing to do right now.
the past two nights i've taken bubble baths, just cuz i was dead tired and needed to rejuvinate myself...but i'm just bored tonight- and boredom is bad when it comes to me... so i thought maybe i could find something to do on the computer- and ofcourse it can't fill a void either...and i'm almost tempted to go see a stinkin' movie- and pay 7 or so dollars, when i really shouldn't.
i've tried reading, but since i know i'm thinkin' about other things to do- it's not getting anywhere...like, i've stared at one line in "Mere Christianity" for about 5 minutes...thinking if there's anythign i could do tonight.
ugh.
i rode my bike down to the water- and thought a bit. that hurt... :)
but- was thinking that i was happy that i can say now that i'm close to my family- but now i miss my family in Christ. those that i've bonded with- those that i shared dreams with. i hafta start all over - over here that is. and even then- i don't have anyone to share it with.
please Lord - send me a friend...somebody..to talk to....somebody i can listen to...somebody that is a child of the Light..- and thank you Lord for having church come to me-at work- becuz i couldn't go today! that was only you...and your doing, i know it.
i'm gonna see what movies are playing.