i listened to Crandberries this morning and got inspired a bit...but i forgot what about...
there something inside that has been lurking...like around a corner or something and it won't come into full view.
but i keep trudging on...in the wind and hope that everything else comes into view soon.
simple lesson: LOVE.
but is it so simple?
No. becuz we don't love ourselves sometimes...sometimes i hate what i've become..sometimes i hate myself. But i can't really do anything about that can i? sometimes i hate my hands, cuz they hurt. sometimes i hate the sun, becuz it's too bright.
there are those moments where i hate the sun. cuz i'm blind in it.
if a person get use to the darkness or have been living in the darkness, they can't barely see in the sun, (light). take that symbolically and run with it please.
that is what i've been dealing with.
dealing with the light and darkness in my heart. i guess.
once you've dabbled in the dark things of the earth again (sin) your eyes hurt when you are in the light (or in GOD). it hurts to go back to Him again, becuz you know and HE knows where you've been and what you've done. He knows about the darkness *gasp*
and He still wants you. *sob*
but it hurts for you to look at him becuz you've been in the dark places of the earth....
when before- you know- it NEVER hurt to be in the light- it was always sooo wonderful. it was always sooo lovely. but now it hurts.
maybe that was kinda like Moses coming down from the mountain.
nobody else's face shined like his did. he was a reflection of God. bright....and kinda painful to look at- like the Cross.
as the Israelites raised their hands to shield their eyes from Moses, i wonder if they eventually got use to the light on his face...or it became more human to them. not that the light on Moses became less. But that the Israelites became more *light*.
if the light went away- they soon sculpt themselves a golden calf to worship...maybe in hopes to have light again in their lives.
OOOHHHH.
how many times do we create for ourselves convient gods. that would work for us, or not be too roudy, or not be too demanding.
how many times we think we can handle it ourselves.
we can control our lives...
we can do a better job than God.
it's such a joke.
i dont' know church anymore...i don't know what God meant when he wanted us to be all together and love and be a family. becuz it doesn't happen for all the people that go to church.- that whole "family" spirit. there are still those 'outcasts' that don't think they fit/belong there.
and does church even have to be the place that kinda stuff takes place. maybe we are too use to the idea that it hasta' be in the walls of this building...called a church.

and i confess:
i've always thought that only those 'special' people have the right to talk to the pastor- or have any connection with him. like a personal relationship. i've always been on the outside, when it comes to having a real relationship with anybody in the 'church positions'- nobody has ever invited me to dinner, just to talk, or to coffee, just to talk...or to a movie...or anything. it's like those certain 'clicks' that have been there since the beginning of the church, and they hold that in some sorta respect or position or pride-factor, which they use to their advantage. becuz they are 'in', or they are 'accepted'.
and i'm not talking about Jehovahs' witness, or mormons- but CHRISTIANS...
and it's not suppose to be like that.
it's not suppose to be like this.
i stive to be a relevant voice for average 'jane' in church today... but it breaks my heart, even to go.
enough of that.

I love the clouds outside right now. storm clouds. and they just rolled in from the west.
they're wicked. they're daring. as if to say 'do you think you can stop me?"
the air is harsh and violent. different shades of gray up there.
there's a storm a brewin'.
the naked trees dance in it's eery violin solo.
i wonder if they are cold....the trees.
i think i would be.
i remember that awesome lightning storm i danced in right before the summer ended.
i love those.
they keep you aware.
like- you know you are alive, and you don't have any power in your own rights- to stop this thunder storm.
it's bigger than you

the dynamics of the Holy Spirit:
sometimes the Holy Spirit of God can interrupt your day, or inconvience what you planned to do- and completely change everything. sometimes it can be a good visit though- where you might have thought God wasn't thinking about you just recently or anything...but He will send some people your way in a day's time and revolutionize what you thought about God or what you thought about your self.
In the dynamics of the Holy Spirit- you can't know when to expect the visit- you can't plan it or coax it out and make it happen. sometimes it just happens- like in a random chance accident. but it can't possibly BE an accident- becuz HOW did this person KNOW to say this certain something- at just the right moment?? if it were an accident, it wouldn't have happened. cuz the Holy Spirit has things set-aside to happen...or maybe it's angels...i don't know.
but i DO know that He is coming to get me again.
he is coming to betroth me to himself again.
and i want to be HIS to swoon. i want to the damsel in distress for HIM to save, and i will. cuz i've been waiting for HIM for a while now.
but i don't know WHEN it's gonna happen though.
all i can do is wait for the Holy Spirit to act upon me. and move me finally to a different location in my spiritually journey with HIM.
not a quick, lightning crack kinda love,
but a slow-burning candle kinda love...
so this time: I will learn to love Him more and better.
and He will be the example I will follow.
i don't just want a 'visit' though- i desire and NEED a habitation.
i wanna wake up in the morning with Him there...and looking at me, and me- desiring to talk to Him.
i want Him to be MY love...
El- Elohi April.
God- The God of April.
and i don't need anything to get me there- to that place of Love,.
just HIS spirit- i don't need wine...or any sort of drink to get me to the place of intoxication of HIS spirit- i just need HIM.
and it is becoming MORE evident than anything else right now.
this rollercoaster ride,
this hiking journey,
this adventure is what relationship is made of.
if it was a flat line- if it was just a plain field the whole way- that would be boring...that would be redudancy, that would be apathy, complacency...routine.
this is how it's suppose to be...
these trials (or shall i say trails?) in our relationship with God
these incomplete thoughts- where we can't figure out what's going on
these gut-twisting yearnings for the ultimate something more, and eventually finding that something more.

i think maybe even NOW. maybe even TODAY
i have been filled by HIS spirit.
that funny silliness that overwhelming joy that something IS good in this world- and that something GOOD IS JESUS.

just when i started to doubt that this peircing in my nose didn't really mean anything at all.
just when i thought it wasn't worth the race...it wasn't worth the prize at the end.

he reminds me that it is.

i just got a new book
called "Blue Like Jazz"- by the same guy that wrote "Prayer and the Art of Volkswagon Matentinance"-
Donald Miller
he's an excellent writing..- especialy for our time

well, i do have tons of reading to do for this coming week in school adn i wanna finish reading "Every Woman's Battle-" becuz it's a good book so far.

a friend emailed me today- a friend who i hadn't talked to in a very long time.
Hello again dear friend...i missed you.- i miss your music as well.
i hope God is enriching your spirtual person as well as your physical- and that you are recieving the leadership of HIM in your life.

I hafta be serious- ya'll: i need prayer. and it's not until this person emailed me that i realized i have this blogger at my disposal- for fellowship that is. So please all pray- put yer hand on the screen for a moment and pray a small little prayer for me in whatever way you can:
1. That i overcome this world- (He who is IN ME is GREATER than he who is in the world)
2. That i remember my first love and listen to his voice- (Jesus)
3. that i can be strong enough to say no to my friends
4. that i would stay the course that God has planned for me.

thank you all so much.
tomorrow i have an Orthodontist app. and then i work.
so i'll be online.
ciao