my van is currently at the doctor's house. :(
i think he's slowly dying.
and well, he's held up- God has promised that it would be a trust-worthy vehicle, one where i wouldn't have to worrry that it'd break down soon after having it.
i'm totally thankful
to God/Jesus/Holy Spirit
for providing for me, just for being there- and for KNOWING what i need, even before i asked for it. God had it all figured out and planned out. He knew that i would need a vehicle that would make it all the way to Michigan, even before i KNEW i was ever gonna be going back HOME to Michigan.
ohhhhh. Jesus.
Jesus....ohhhh Jesus. i just whisper your name, and feel your presence, and know that yer ever-nearer to me. i still seek you jesus. i still call out your name- just for the mere fact of saying it.
i want to say your name- i want to feel you draw near....and well. i just want you to know that.
despite my circumstances....i know you are near. i know that you care...i know that you are capable and willing to come to my aid. so i trust that you will do whatever your awesome will entails.
i love you,
and i thank you for thinking of us- jesus- for remembering us, all the while, being nailed to a cross, walking with the disciples, turning water into wine....thank you for being one of us. and thank you for taking my punishment.
i am crucified with Christ, and now Jesus, you live in me.

amen

i had a weird dream last night:
I was on this team of like tree-cutters- and there was this MAIN dude that led the team (he was like the "mountain man", and he led us up this mountain to cut some trees down, and well, he went off somewhere and either something exploded around him, or was attacked by a bear or something (but he killed the bear)- and well, he was laying there, on his back recovering from being attacked or something, and i saw him. I walked up to him and felt sad for him, cuz he was hurt and i wanted to take care of him. So, i started wiping his face off with a rag or something and he like grabbed my hand (cuz it was like he was passed out or something)- and said: who are you? and i was like, "I work on your team"- and he said he never seen me before, and i took off my helmet or something and then my hair fell down. and he said: I didn't know there were women on the team! and then, we both kinda looked at eachother and well, i said: i wanna braid my hair for you. So, i started to braid my hair- but all of a sudden i was like a Native woman, or something, and i was trying to braid my hair. and he was sitting right there, and then, he scalped me in the back of my hair!- like he shaved off a little hair from underneath all my hair, so, when i was braiding my hair, he scalped some off and I said: Why did you do that? He said: So everyone would know that you'd be mine.
cuz like in that team, if the woman's hair was scalped in the back it meant she was taken.

anyways- WEIRD DREAM.
so - amber and i are gonna go to the car place to see if my van can get fixed. i just pray that it's a WAY EASY JOB AND THAT IT'LL COST LIKE NOTHING! please Jesus. you know how much money i have!
ciao for now
apes

i am settled a bit. more than before. and this is a very good thing
i'm still seeking God's face...and listening.
and i pray that i would be obediant if God tells me to do something that i wouldn't normally want to do/say.
I just got back from going to dad's house and telling him about Joseph. and he's like "You hardly know him, but you are going out to New Jersey to go see him!?" well, he didn't say it mean-like, he said it more like - worried for me, like a father would be. But not to worry. Joseph is fine. and nothing will be bad or go wrong...(as much as i can control myself/feelings) And i also got back from hot-tubbing and swimming- at the Waterfront Inn- cuz it's closing! they're gonna tear it down! :( yeah.- this kinda sucks.
but oh well. it was nice to get warmed up- after driving around and not having my heater work that well :(- it's so bad...cuz it's like NEGATIVE WIND CHILL HERE! it's definately NOT warm. and i was fish-tailing EVERYWHERE! and i normally like to do that- cuz it's fun- but it's NOT fun, when you're not the one in control of the situation! - the road was in control of MY situation at the time. so, i kinda spun out- and my heart jumped into my throat- i was on the other side of the road :( scary. but there weren't cars coming. - so God went ahead for me :) (angelic hosts possibly???)

So- my sister is gonna hang out with me- tomorrow after work- and i guess she had her first MAJOR quarell with her husband- Duane (funny name i think!)- anyways, since their relationship isn't really GOD-based- she's got most of the control in the relationship- whatever SHE says GOES (not to say- the other way around is better - whatever the man says goes?? i don't think so- wrong Idea there,)--- And it made me think- as christians- what do you do, if you have a quarrel with your spouse>? i guess it boils down to my last bloggers- a couple blogs ago. BEING HUMBLE, AND BEING OPEN TO GOD. that is what matters-
so, i can say that NOW. but what happens when it REALLY happens in my life.
Oh - i just pray that i'm obeidant to God. and just TRUST that my husband would be too.
that's why it's important- to find a MAN OF GOD. not just a man ;)
that's what makes us different- that's what makes ME different from Amber (my sister)- i will seek God's face- I will demand that my relationship with my husband would be Jesus-centered.

See- there's this song- "The Jones's"- or something like that- and it's about these 2-set's of Jones'- in different parts of America- one is God-centered, and one is selfish and worldly.
well, one verse goes like this:
"Rueben and Sue had nothing but Jesus and at night they'd pray that He'd care for them each"
and the other side of that- is the other couple is relying in their own wealth and stuff.

i've always seen myself with some dude that was totally into the Lord-but yet still a granola dude- who'd like to travel the nation with me and go on adventures. but in his relationship with Jesus i'd see somebody who was STRONG and FIRM in his faith with the Lord. to where i wouldn't be scared, or worried that he wouldn't seek the Lord's face- cuz i'd already know that he does- and he would actually encourage ME to seek the Lord sometime- just for the sake of seeking the Lord's face. Just for the mere sense of Jesus' coming near and he (my husband) would be the encourager of that. Cuz i dont' wanna be carrying the relationship spiritually, or being the one who always does that.
Ach!
i can't put it into words
i hate the idea of putting what kind of guy i want like in a list or something like numbered and stuff- like 1. he's gotta be tall, 2. He's gotta have ?(color of hair), 3. he's gotta be on fire for the lord....stuff like that.
cuz you know what?
that's lame- Jesus KNOWS what i need MORE than i know what i need. He knows me better than i know myself. and that's fine by me.

other than these thoughts. alot has been on my mind.
especially since i'm flying to New jersey on the 4th-9th.
seeing how Joseph is in his own family setting.- and well, just to get to know him more.
i believe there's more than meets the eye.
and well, there's more than meets the eye with me too- isn't there? yes, surely surely. and it's hidden, but wants to be found ;) i guess i want to be discovered too. i don't just want to do the "discovering" myself- of him that is.

so ciao for now,
i'll update more later.