broken...again and again and again....
becuz i'm waiting to see what he will say to me...waiting to see what his answer is...for a confirmation of whether or not he wants to live a RADICAL LIFE for Jesus with me- a PASSION-FILLED, and SPIRIT-FILLED life with me....about the things of the Lord.
I am waiting to see if he's willing to step-up to the plate and try this adventure with me- to see if he's willing to take the initiative to SEEK THE LORD and be the spiritual leader in the relationship. how can sombody be the spiritual leader if they're not SPIRIT-LED, OR SPIRIT FILLED??
i want more than a "nice man" or a "religious man" (oh how i detest the word religion...becuz it invokes a sense of like obligation, or duty, or "haft-to"--- instead of a DYNAMIC LOVING ADVENTUROUS RELATIONSHIP WITH OUR CREATOR!~)

i not only want a spirit-filled man...but a man that will open his heart to me, and share HIS dreams and HIS visions, and talk to me- more than anything.... i want more than just a good guy...that goes to church.
i love him soooo much...
and i left the ball in his court- to see where he wants to go with it- becuz i don't want him to choose this kinda life just becuz i ask him to! NO! i have a desire to see him draw nearer and nearer to the Lord--- so the Lord can share dreams and visions with him (JOEL 2)--- so the Lord CAN direct him as a spiritual leader....so the Lord can continue to develope him in an awesome way...into the MAN OF GOD THAT I LOVE...and still love..... and still love.

man...i'm weak...i can hardly eat or sleep...or think of anything else but him- and what desicion he might make.
and when i think of it.....IF THIS IS REALLY THE LORD....
if all this- meeting joseph...finding out our likes and characteristics...being suprised with events the Lord has brought to the surface- (the VW bus, our birthdays, Buddy's nickname, the card on Nancy's fridge-stating "Joel and April's wedding invitation", the fact that we both moved back home around the same time.....the list goes on...) but if this was ALL ORCHESTRATED by the CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE....the KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS.... then things will come together....things will be according to HIS perfect will- and
it will be in HIS timing....and it will be Joseph... but only if it's TRULY THE LORD'S DOING.
i think that is what will make it SUPER special....that even through all this- the LORD will still have put it all together- and it was HIS plan to begin with- to be together.
gosh
i could talk about jesus forever.
and i could brag on joseph forever...
the two men in my life...that i love sooooooo much...and it's sooo hard to let joseph go into God's hands- and take him....i guess he was the Lord's to begin with anyways....why did I think I had him all to myself?? silly april...
i think after finding out from Joseph...what the answer is.... i will find out if i was worth it all... to him. if he thinks that i'm worth all this turmoil and spritual-pressing...i will be worth it...i hope.
i'm worth it- to die for- according to Jesus.
Jesus says he die for me...i was worth every breath...i was worth his whole life...and now i'm worth his life...? how does that work out...of all people- i think i'd be far from being worth it...
but HE thinks i am.
and i think he is....
amen.
God i give everything into your hands...
and your words says if i remain faithful, you will remain faithful to me...and do whatever will you want...- and i will yeild to your will.
even IF that means the worst- i will sadly, and brokenly, and tearfully, and humbly...YIELD to your will....as hard as it may be.