ah ha! a moment of silence from the CSI i am watching on Spike TV. Man. i hate myself for being a constant CSI watcher, but i love the dynamics in the character building of each of the characters. Take Grissom, for instance, in the beginning he seems to be so personal and so attached to the victims that are brough into the CSI lab, but in the end is detached and usually doesn't deal with the victim on a personal basis. and then we have Sara- she's actually, quite that...plain ole' sara. nothing flashy about her appearance, like Kathrine, and she just really fades into the background. she's the one that's forgotten.
sometimes. I really feel like Sara. she had problems when she was younger. and her mom was psycho for a while and everything was crazy. and her father was nonexistant...
she's a character that is searching for some sort of sanity in this world- i think. she's trying to find out where there is some sort of constant truth, or constant love, or constant comfort...but she has found none so far- she's only found her work, and it seems like that is what gets her by. but also, she is seeking this constant thing- in Grissom.

i just went outside to my van (which is parked in joseph's parents' driveway) and a whole buncha kids went running. i don't know what they were doing, but i'm sure it wasn't good. so, i went to my van and everything seemed okay. but then again, Joseph lives in the hood. so i don't know what they were up to.
man.... what am i doing? in this life there are so many options and i hope God directs me to make the wise choice

Looking to the soft eyes that glow is like a reflection of the future to come in my soul....
the sadness would not be weeping, the heart would not be failing,
the joy would come and the hope would abound.
I would be confident there,
I would be confident there.

that was just a reflective little ditty i threw out there.
anyways. to be is to be. right?

i'm here and typing (which means at school- waiting for joseph to get outta class).
I read my last comment from Clayton (whose name i've always liked and whose memories i cannot erase)- and it got me to thinking.-
God has always given me that verse- Joshua 1:9 (for those who want to look it up) and for those who don't- here is a run down of what it says- "Do not be afraid or dismayed, but instead be courageous and take hope! For I am the Lord God and am with you wherever you go"
Clayton spoke volumes in his comment. and i am reminded of that verse once again. But his words make me think that i can really do MORE than what I've thought i could do- Like I actually have some sorta control over my future- that's not just something that is happening to me (like my hair keeps growing, no matter if i tell it to or not) But ofcourse- with the Lord unction. Like, i listen to the Holy Spirit inside- and it whisper's sweetly to me about things that are wonderful (like going hiking, or taking a road trip and ministering to whoever may cross my path) Things that are in God's heart towards me- and i don't know what to do with them. like, for instance...thinking that Joseph is the one is really tearing me up inside- The thoughts of "settling down" just push against me the wrong way, I think. But then again, settling down sounds good- when i finally get a good job, and KNOW that i'm doing the will of the Lord.
It all boils down to this:
I want to be with somebody that wants to seek the Lord with me and really has a passion for the things of God, and has a vision for something (and more personally- wants ME passionately). Becuz however your relationship with God is- so that will be reflected in your relationship with a person.
I've seriously thought about it- and, well- I'd be happy with just chillin' out with my dog- Brittany- for a while. I'd be content. I'd be HAPPY. (more happy than what I am now)
But I can't fully give up Joseph. becuz i sincerely LOVE HIM. I could see myself with him- but there's a few things that hafta change- like Passion and Pusuit of God- and my pastor was trying to tell me this a LONG TIME before i ever came out here to New Jersey. In rough terms, he said: "April be on your guard against settling for less".
And well, those words are echoing in my ears. Am i settling for less?
I pray not and while examining my heart and taking a step back from our relationship, i will find out. I will ask the Lord if HE thinks i'm settling for LESS- and we'll see what he says.
amen.
thanks clayton...yer a true friend.