Dudes. Yeah. i just woke up- from a night of totally working my butt off at the conference center. It was seriously tough work...and my legs hurts so bad! I could feel my heart beat in my knees!? Is that normal? and well, i couldn't get to sleep so easily cuz my legs hurt- so, yeah. I woke up a bit ago...and will be going to church.
yeah. church.
I've been reflective a bit lately- Like "Am I happy with where I'm at in life.?" and stuff. cuz i recently got this letter in the mail- Something i wrote Jan. 4th of 2005! it was this weird thing- where I was at Joseph's bible study out in New Jersey- and the pastor asked us to write stuff...and then He will send it to us in a year's time- and we can read what we wrote. So, here's a little bit-
"God asks- 'What did you do with your life?' (my response is this-) I loved you with all that I was and worshipped you for who you are-not what you could DO for me. Ever since being saved by your gracious hand, I've had you on my heart and I've had you on my mind- I haven't stopped thinking about you- I am captured and betrothed to you."

Oh my word. And the rest of what i wrote TOTALLY hits my heart like a ton of bricks.
I want my relationship with Jesus to be EVER- increasing and EVER-wildly growing...into something amazing and adventurous! I mean- i never want to have that "stuck in a rut" feeling when i'm with the Lord- And I haven't! i really truly haven't! I mean, even when i've totally strayed from Him and His love for me- He's brought me back to himself ONLY BY grace..and only by HIS romantic gaze into my heart.
Man. It's kinda tough right now to think of Jesus as the Lover of your soul- especially when you've had all these horrible experiences with guys that just use you to get whatever THEY want. Men have a VERY selfish love....well, that's my experience. And i have YET to see God prove me wrong. The only fact that is convincing me that ALL MEN AREN'T EVIL is that Jesus himself was a MAN...and he was FAR from EVIL! He was LOVE incarnate! the most UNSELFISH portrayal of love in a man that I've seen yet!
BUT....i need more. I need another example of that TODAY- in MY LIFETIME. I need to see a man walking out a selfless, humble, gentle, sweet love towards a woman.
and NOT JUST any woman...
but ME.
for me.
i want to see this for me....and to walk out a selfless- undying- passionate-warrior kind of love...and i will walk along side him in humility and peace...

over and out for now

I am reading Captivating now...a really good book