"Takes to the sky like a bird in flight, and who will be her lover? ....She is like a cat in dark and then she is the darkness...."
- "Rhi annon"Fleetwood Mac, Rumors

I know this is like the second post that i've had today, but I feel like posting cuz it's night time and i'm listening to music. I can't help but post a message.

Joseph and I aren't doing so good. I feel like him and I are worlds apart. and the thought (gasp)- comes to mind, that i would be soo much better off without him....
but then again, that might just be me frustrated and mad at him for blowing up at me today.

I don't know. I need to be back home and finally NOT here in New Jersey, the quote, unquote Garden State....what a mess....ugh.
i need air. i need freedom.....i need to be free. with the wind in my hair....gosh. i don't know how to explain it.

more later

"I don't know who you are,
But I'm with you"
- Avril Lavigne

WEll. I'm just waiting around. Waiting to see what God does. WHERE AM I GONNA LIVE!!!!!!!!???????????????
THAT'S the biggest thing on my mind right now. where i am gonna live when i get back home. i've been checking the paper back home, online- i've been waiting for an email from kristi- i've been hoping that somebody will call. someday. soon. hoping that a door will open somewhere soon. cuz i need to leave here. i need to leave NOW.
can't go into much detail. but yeah. i really need to go back.
anyways. that's really ALL that's been on my mind.

There's an update on our bus- we just got the CD player in it- and it works. I'm gonna coat the bus in a clear layer of top coat- to hopefully make it a "Shiny-er" color, cuz the paint looks pretty dull on it.
anyways. ciao for now

hmmm.... starting this morning off really well, cup of Cafe Verona (starbucks), music playing in my head...time for deep thoughts
I thought i might type and catch everyone up to what's going on for the past 2 days-- it's been a rollercoaster of doubt, fear, sadness...and well, Joseph is right in the middle of it.
Here's what happened, and it started on Saturday, around noon-
Since coming back home from spring break....the Lord has spoken to me, BEYOND DOUBT...and I KNOW IT-- that i'm suppose to be back home. no doubt about it. He confirmed it in more than one way during my visit- words of prophecy, words in the bible, words in my heart. whispering sweet saving words of grace and of romance....
he whispers on the wind: "Come away with me, my beloved...the sky is blue....the rain clouds are gone away...the sun smiles on your face....Come away with me, my love"
I know it's dorky and corny...and well, nobody will understand, the way i do inside my heart. He's calling me away to himself again...and i'm really excited about it all. He's undoing all the wrong....He starting all over again in my heart...with things that I've known, but have forgotten.

Hosea 11:3-4
"Yet it is I who taught Ephraim to walk, I took them in My arms; But they did not know that I healed them. I led them with cords of a man, with bonds of love, And I became to them as one who lifts the yoke from their jaws; and I bent down and fed them...."
12:10- "I have also spoken to the prophets, and I gave numerous visions, and through the prophets I gave parables..."

So. on saturday the Poo hit the fan, so to speak, and Joseph's sister found out I was talking to a friend on the phone about moving back home-- and that he is thinking about renting this 3 bedroom house, and I'd be able to rent one of the rooms out! So, we were talking about that on the phone, and she was listening...and a little later she's like "April, what's going on?! Are you leaving!? After all my parents have done for you??" and so, i tried to explain everything to her, but she's STILL mad and saying that's it's not cool for me to be doing this to her parents, after everything that they've done for me to make me comfortable here and stuff....and she's DOES'NT understand anything spiritual-- or what GOD is telling me to do! and it's SOOOOO hard to do this stuff--- cuz it's like I don't know what to expect from joseph's parents now-- I'll let them know everything, like i'm TOTALLY grateful for everything they've done for me- since being here...and that i TOTALLY LOVE THEM, and that they are like the parents I'VE NEVER HAD....and--- well, all that good stuff-- and that this whole thing ISN'T like i'm running away to back home or anything-- it's more like I'm just trying to be obediant to the Lord---! and i really hope they understand that! Cuz no matter what- i hafta be obediant to God...cuz I worry about leaving here with burnt bridges, ya know??
So- I'll be talking to Joseph's parents about all this tonight, i think--

And well, i'm sure some of you are wondering where this leaves Joseph and me-- well, we've had some good talks since saturday- and well, I've let him know my desires...and what i want in a man of GOD- and he realizes he DOESN'T MEET those desires of mine....and he's said he'll try to meet them...he will try to be more expressive about his relationship with Jesus, and he will be more vocal about what he thinks of me- and being more romantic and expressive about me!! and not just that- but i'm like "Dude, don't just focus all this stuff on me and about me!-- but make it about Jesus! Make sure you dig deeper into the word, SEEK HIS FACE WHILE HE MAY BE FOUND...."
dude, there will be a day when people will seek the face of Lord, and it wont' be found, becuz he's left with all the rest of the people that are HIS...His salvation train will have passed through with a blazing horn calling out to the dark streets, and all those that wanted to do their own thing, all those that were fine with worldly material possessions, all those that thought there was another train coming....they would have been left in the dust...and the Lord tried as hard as He could to call them, to seek them, chasing after them like a Love Hound sent from heaven....but people didn't want HIM.
OH GOD.....
I really want you Jesus! I want you to be the center of my life all over again! I want you to be continually on my mind during the waking midnight hours and the early morning coffee times....OH Jesus! Make me your love again!
amen.

Yeah. so i might be moving back home again.
ciao everyone. hope the Lord is the center of your life (becuz it's soooo good when he is....sigh....*****)