Got a little Norah Jones stuck in my head- "Nightengale"- if that's how you spell it. yeah, and i'm just kinda reflecting on things.
I talked to a friend back home in TC- her name is Angie. And well, regardless of whether or not it's bad for me to hang out with her- she is still my FRIEND. i mean- i am usually bad when i'm with her. cuz all she wants to do is party...and that's REALLY not good for me to do- so i try to limit my time with her. Anyways- we were talking on the phone last night- and since joseph wasn't around, i could finally tell her FOR real why i feel like moving back home- and she's kinda in the same boat! it's sooo funny! With her and Rob- She said she gave Rob the Ultimatum, like "You either WANT to marry me or you DON'T...so get things figured out and let me know, cuz i'm not gonna wait around forever for you to finally figure it out!" And really- Rob is going around buying a lot of things that are frivolous- like parts for a Jeep he's rebuilding, and he's thinking about buying a BOAT...and Angie is like: "Well, if you go around buying all this stuff, it's NOT IN YOUR MIND that you will hafta pay for a wedding ring someday, or a wedding!"

it's basically the same rap for Joseph and I- he's like going around buying stupid things that he wouldn't even really need right now- or he's thinking about buying a BODY to a beetle (cuz he already has the engine to one)--- I'm thinking, well, we are STILL trying to fix up the BUS! and he wants to buy a body to a beetle! ugh! it just makes me soooo mad. cuz the future of US isn't in HIS mind! it's like i've wasted life, or energy or time...on this relationship...cuz it's BEEN ON MY MIND the whole time- and Joseph would say the same thing...but he's not living like it's on HIS mind... Gosh. well, there's more to all of this than just that. Cuz it's like Joseph doesn't really care a whole lot about impressing me, or CAPTIVATING ME....and it's not like we're a 50-year old married couple!!!!!!!!! it's not like the passion or the fire of FIRST LOVE should already be gone!!! IN A MARRIAGE IT SHOULD NEVER BE GONE ANYWAYS!
he's lacking adventure, he's lacking initiative, he's lacking the passion and fire i want in a relationship...he's lacking the LEADERSHIP it takes to be the MAN in the relationship. i can't be both THE MAN AND THE WOMAN here! ugh.

So, enough venting for now. sorry to unleash that....
All in all i'm just kinda waiting- to leave. waiting to finally be released and unleashed again...to fully LOVE the LORD....gosh, speaking of which. i wanna have a quite time with the Lord. like be all captured up in HIS Love! HIs love for me....and HIS love for humanity....be all captured up in HIS passion and fire for me....and HIS faithfulness....HIS GRACE....HIS Mercy! oh man. i need to learn those all over again....grace and mercy, grace and mercy, grace and mercy....let them over flow, let them consume me again....let me walk in grace and mercy again....towards people and have it LIVING in myself...oh please Lord, may this happen!

and i pray the Lord opens a door somewhere soon to live. I really PRAY that He does ABOVE AND BEYOND what i would ever expect to happen, as i move back over to TC. Land that I love!

over and out