I'm learning that vulnerability to the Lord is a good thing- especially when in worship. cuz if you are there all blocking your heart and not wanting anybody to come in, then that is exactly what is going to happen. Jesus wants to come in and make a home and rest in me...and i need to let him.
why i am saying all of this- becuz in my human, carnal mind, I would resist the affections of a man becuz of how i've been hurt. I would deny the LOVE that my Lord would want to give me becuz i would have a hard time believing that he doesn't just want to use me. or he doesn't want to hurt me. he doesn't want to trick me.
He's a GOOD GOD. HE IS A LOVER. HE IS A FRIEND...HE IS A SACRIFICIAL WARRIOR. and He pursues my heart.
so why would i block it?
I'm not gonna. i'm going to yield to HIM WHOM MY SOUL LOVES. and he will love me, in a heavenly way.
awesome.

I slept in (well, i've kinda BEEN sleeping in)- till about 10-ish. like...i think my body wants to wake me up aroun9-ish, but i resist cuz i feel really TIRED at that time and so i go back to sleep and have weird dreams! i can't remember them all right now though.
and so, since it's sooo FREAKIN' HOT i'm drinking iced coffee with dark brown sugar! oh boy! yumm! and i'm still trying to decide what to do with the rest of my day before i hafta go work. like, i'm really debating on going for a run but I HATE RUNNING...and it's like really TOO HOT to EVEN MOVE outside! ugh! i hate this kinda weather.
i mean, i would wanna go to the beach, but at the same time, i don't want to cuz then, i would be outside in this horrid weather! ugh!
I COULD wash my car and clean out the inside, it seriously needs it after all the crazy driving i've been doing.
and i've decided that i am NOT going to mexico with amber (my little sis.). Becuz i know how she is and we wouldn't mesh well on a long trip like that- like BIG TIME not mesh. holy cow. just going to this concert...she was a freak and i couldn't stand it! just imagine being in another COUNTRY with somebody like that!
But, i MIGHT (and that's a slight might)- go to Oregon/Washington for Christmas break this year- cuz my older sis. wants to spend christmas with the both of us...and i kinda want to. So, we will see. and i've kinda HOPED that i would be able to visit everyone out there in Oregon- my good buddies...like JC, Brandi, the Josh's, Mama and Papa Guth, Sharron! and all the other peps'. Hopefully i'll be able to see Greg. to Pray over him...to pray for him. He needs some serious lifting up!
uhmmm, anyways. I just totally paid like the 2 bills i was MOST worried about this month- my insurance bill and then my phone bill! it equalled 270 altogether! and i didn't have any money! ugh! But God totally answers prays and He got me the hook up with increasing my credit line through my bank out in Oregon- and i can pay for things this month. and I will be praying for faithfulness in the small things so i won't be like maxed out on it! Cuz God is creating faithfulness in me for the small things.
I guess i shall dash for now. try to figure out what to do with my day.
ciao
apes