Church day:

Well. after a trying day yesturday...I'm awaiting for church right now.
Last night after i got back from work, i went nightswimming- with a half moon out. And i'm currently listening to one of Clayton's fav. songs by REM- (ode to memories) and will be leaving for church soon here.
JOY.
Jesus awaits me. Jesus awaits my soul...for love...for worship...for healing.
I can't wait.
there i will find peace.
there i will find him

Crushed in Spirit

Uhmmm- yeah. very different from yesturday.
I'm seriously crushed in spirit right now. My friend John- who led me to the Lord (in 1998)- well he's been meaning to talk to me for a while about something- so, we talked last night about like stuff- about when he recently visited Traverse City, and we hung out- at his parents house...and he made dinner..anyways. Usually when we meet up- like we usually talk about God stuff- like catch up on eachother spiritually-- i mean, he's the one i've turned to when i've been confused about stuff and like when i've had questions about God stuff- i've always been able to talk to him about it..
anyways- Like, when he told me in the beginning that he has something "important" to talk to me about- i assumed, like a stupid girl- that he might say something like: "April, I've liked you forever.." or something outrageous like that. I'm such a romantic and i hope for the best from guys who say something like that. I totally assumed the wrong thing. and i kick myself in the butt now-
but the conversation didn't go that way at ALL.
Well- this kinda "spiritual leader" in my life- He says something like: "I think you shouldn't be so outgoing with your relationship with Jesus..."-- well, something like that-- i mean, in a nutshell with the whole "i really hope this doesn't hurt you" phrase. and it sounded like i'm not suppose to be all radical for Jesus" anymore or something.
It really broke my heart.
Cuz somebody like him- the one who lead me to Jesus-- telling me to "dumb down" my relationship with Jesus when i'm around him!!! like, he talked about how he's more "reserved" and "quiet" about his personal relationship with God...and i'm like "Uhmmm, but that doesn't mean i have to be!" and he knows and understands that... He just says he's uncomfortable with what i share and HOW i talk about God...Like I don't revere Him or something?
Oh-Contraire. i really do. i HONOR and Revere and Respect and Fear the Lord. But in a loving way.
But it seriously crushed me.
Becuz IF anyone, HE should be one that encourages me to draw nearer and nearer to the Lord.
If anyone, HE should be the one i can turn to for like advice and wisdom when it comes to Godly things...
Gosh...i'm sooo flippin' crushed...
Gosh...i was soo torn last night. Trying to work at the same time, wanting to burst into tears...becuz a man, a really close friend, a spiritual leader in my life, has told me to "tone it down"...to "calm down and be quiet about the Lord".
When i was closing- (about 1:00 in the morning last night)-- i was seriously seeking the Lord. Becuz this is just ONE MORE example of a man...one more, in the book of fail hopes...failed dreams....
and i asked God
"Am I sooo uncaptivating?! Am I sooo unwanted! Am I really this repulsive!?"
ooohhh man how i want to escape this thought......how i want to believe that I'm not....
How i have been given sooo many examples...starting with my own father. Starting with him my soul has been born...
and then the line continues.
This book i'm reading (and will hopefully finish) Captivating- by john Eldgridge or something-- well, in the book...His wife and him are writting it together- and they bring about this thought-
that little girls- they long for their fathers affection- they long to be told they are beautiful and wonderful and captivating. they long to be noticed.
so. i have a question.
what happens when that doesn't happen. with soo many girls like me.
and we aren't noticed.
we are always passed by, forgotten.
I remember distinctly this one moment (after my mom and dad got a divorce) that dad was going to come and pick us girls up for the weekend and well, Friday night came and I was sitting on the porch while my sisters were sitting inside-- I was waiting for papa to arrive. waiting for my daddy. but the time that he was suppose to show up came and went. and i was sitting there...and mom came out on the porch, and said- "Don't you know that your father isn't coming for you??" and i said "I know, but I wanna wait here cuz he might show up anyway".
and there i sat.
i am not typing this to get a pitty trip from ANYBODY...i am typing this to recognize that i have been HOPING ever since then- for a man to show up at my door. for a man to walk up and say:
"I've been looking for you my whole life...and i've finally found you...I've loved you even though I don't know you...I've known who you are, even though I've just met you..."
I've been waiting for somebody to tell me that I'm 'Worth' it. I've been waiting for somebody to just show up in my life to tell me that i'm wanted.
that I AM wanted.

And man. I'm still waiting. I'm still here...waiting.
I know, I know.....Jesus is the one i'm waiting for...for him to show up and finally just 'take me'...i mean. read my blog post called: "The Power of God and the bluesy mood of April"
I KNOW that Jesus is him...and i'm just waiting for HIM to take me.
either that...or waiting for a man to show up on my door step, with a dozen roses, and say..."I've been seeking you my whole life."

Either one. would be fine with me....
Hmmm. but yet i sit here, typing. and i know i should be getting ready for work. but i'm not. cuz i need to vent.
i need to vent out there into cyber space-
I'm hurting and i don't know what to do about it
i'm crushed and all i can do is weep...all i can think is about how i don't know what to think....
dang

Why do I hold onto hope? and the stigma of relationships:

What i mean is- why do i hold onto the hope of a "Godly on-fire for Jesus man"? Really. Am I waiting in vain? I think not. Cuz i've had examples of "Godly on-fire for Jesus" men- a few of my friends, actually...Joseph, JC, Josh...and others back out in Oregon and here in Michigan...
So- know they exist.
i keep hope alive in me- i know they exist.

and as for the Stigma of relationships in the church-- that's a funny story.
Cuz dude. If you picture everyone as your sister or brother in Christ...then how could you start a relationship with somebody you already consider a "sister" or "brother" in the Lord. Like,...there is this "silent" killer in opportunites of starting relationships becuz people will automatically assume that you aren't radical for Jesus if you want/have a relationship with somebody...I mean. like if a guy pursues a girl (if it's a Godly pursuit)-- people will for some reason think that they aren't focused on the Lord or something...cuz they are too concerned with this girl/guy....
that's ridiculous.
Cuz the apostle Paul talks about how it's a good thing to take a wife or whatever...
hhmmmm, i think these are just random rantings...
So i will stop here.