I am quite upset, at myself, at Kim, at hmmm. well, not mad...more like sad. More and more i realize there is a need in me- to be sensitive to the Spirit of God, so that i could feel him, and hear him and see him again....and to regain that relationship of my FIRST LOVE back again. the person, wake up next to you and spend some time drinking coffee with RELATIONSHIP. More and more i realize I'm hollow inside. i need to be filled, i need to be broken. Well, that is what I say, but I'm not for sure what I REALLY need, becuz God could see what is really the thing, and it might not even be what I think it is. i just want more of HIM. i'm so desperate and so sick at the same time. Sick of my own responses to things, sick of not being thankful enough, sick of not being faithful. I'm sick of myself. I'm sick of my flesh. I'm ready for a change, I'm ready to BE change!!!!!! that's my heart and prayer for this month....GOD CHANGE ME INTO WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE!!!!!!!!!!! please. oh please, becuz i will die if I remain in this state.

well, as you noticed, i mentioned Kim in the first line of my journal entry. and well, what she said tonight about her stuff is that "As long as it makes me happy, i don't see anything wrong with it." and I told her what i thought, and it didn't seem to phase her. It really broke my heart to see how blind she is to what is right and wrong- like it's not absolute. like she doesn't know God. well. Hmm. I wonder if- no! She HAS known God, personally,....there- i saw it with my own eyes, during that worship time..at EBC. she has....but she refuses to turn from her vomit. she's satisfied with it.
but she asked me if I'd still love her, and be there for her if things go wrong. And i thought in myself, "what would you do God?-what DO YOU Do?"- in these kind of scenario's, all i really know is that HE is more joyful to receive and accept back that which was lost and He even throws a party for them...and well, the fact that the person came BACK is enough to please HIM!!_ so I told her that I'd love her no matter what, and that doesn't mean i agree with her choices. But i will be there for her.

I'm also praying about whether or not God would like me to go to the UK with Autumn, and for some reason, i really feel pressed to do this with her. i have no clue why I'd go there- and with Autumn of all pep's, and I don't even know if I'd have the money- so I'm thinking and praying to God about all of this, and finding out whether or not HE really wants me to go, and IF He does he will make a way- just like my car getting fixed. Blessed Andy, and his friend Gabe...i think that's his name. his eyes are really cool. i wish i had eyes like that. so, off I go and I will read more about Keith Green,...I'm liking that book alot.
sweet spring signing off once again, after a grueling day at work:
apes