it is finally said and done....Ben is gone. Nevermore...my eyes will cry no more for him forever...or so will I claim right now. I am hurting but at the same time relieved to know, that he doesn't like me. I've known that for a while, but i just didn't want to know it. i hate to know it. Like a farmer, knowing that there is a snow storm coming and he just planted seeds into the ground. All my seeds have died for him. everything I've prayed, spoken over him about, sought the Lord about...everything. last night, I said to the Lord, while holding back some tears, "I just want to burn all my journals for the past 2 years..."- and i really would, but they have more valuable things,like other things besides Ben..in them. I can't. I can't do this anymore. there's nothing more i can say about it...other than I think this is apart of God doing some really BIG change in me this month...like I've been feeling ever since the beginning of it.- i wonder what more is to come.....and is Joshua apart of it..

well, speaking of Joshua- we had a blast in San Fran. ..and we talked about "Stuff"- but then we talked about "stuff" again...when we came back- after he talked to his dad....man, it's seems like he relies on his dad SO much for everything...like he can't be like independant..and like his own self...AUCH! i hate doing that...i hate like saying stuff like that, espeically to him- becuz then he feels like he's gotta change, and well, be what I want him to be...and that's what I fear....he doesn't hafta do that- and I dont' hafta be the person HE wants me to be....I'd rather him find somebody that suits him already...not change me to fit his particular girl-liking mold...i don't wanna do that...

I miss papa...and i wanna go visit home this summer- to see everyone..I wanna try doing that every summer, cuz it's seems like the best thing...and I need a plan of action for this summer, what I'm gonna do, in what months...and well...Creation Fest is sounding good...but at the same time I'm still wondering about the Christian ministry in National Parks thing- I could use that to just get away for a while...like be somewhere where nobody knows my name...ahhh, something about that is just so comforting...i don't hafta be any specific person, to any other person..i can just be....(sounds like a Beatles song, doesn't it?)

well, i'm heading into work- oh, yeah..I'll be managing when Fay is gone on her Cruise...yeah...fun,fun,fun...
the sweet Spring song