Hey
I think things are looking up. But i just needa remember to get ahold of Jesus. I will type more later.
it's currently later, that is after Batman. I am watching DVD's to fill my spare time, since i have nobody to spend time with
I've decided to also study dental Hygenie stuff while i'm in China, so then, when the time comes for taking exams, or whatever....school work...that i'll be able to be a little more on top of things. I wonder what level of science and math i'll need to take.
I think i'll start with study the bone structure and teeth numbers. like physiology first, and then i'll attempt to prepare myself for the other classes, like math, or biology.

Well. i talked with autumn a little today online. she might go sky diving, i dont' want her to go without me. really. i might be expensive, but i'd wanna do sumthin' like that with her.
AND...this was a big downer of the day- Brandi is NOT coming back to Taiwan.so, i'm outta luck with having time to spend with her..over here and stuff. I wish i knew that before i came over here. i think maybe i'd even disobey God for that. but maybe not. Cuz i wouldn't willingly do that. MMMM, maybe that's part of the reason why i'm here.
Do i trust God?
It's easy to say it all the time, but to actually be stepping out in faith...and DOING it, that's another thing.
i dont' wanna fail Him. But, i think I've already done that. and i dont' want to keep fooling myself. I don't want to be here in China. I want to leave. but i can't ....until my contract is done. But then again i feel as though God wants me here. but it's hard, cuz i don't have any fellowship with anyone......it feels like I'm Tom Hanks, in the movie Cast Away, and i'd probably go insane if i didn't have a pet volleyball to talk to, or to let my anger out on. I'd start talking to myself, cuz I have nobody else to talk to. But,....i do. That's the difference. God. I have God, my father to talk to. But i don't sometimes. i forget He's there, or more like i pretend He's NOT there....just so i can get away with things.
why don't I talk to God as much as I use to? WHat's happened to me? Why am I like this?
I am being tested I think. Like, will i let Him go when it get's rough? NO! Will I forget everything He's done for me, including dying on a cross? NO! Will I abandon everything I know to be true about the Lord, just becuz I feel a little down? NO!
This is when the rubber meets the road folks. This is where reality bites ya in the rear, if ya know what i mean. I have to bare it. Well. Wait a minute.Not bare it....endure it. I hafta run the race with endurance....and He will never give me something that is too difficult for me to handle...or else He wouldn't have given it to me. If He knew that i would be too overwhelmed here in China, or that i'd go nuts...He wouldn't have brought me here, there must be a reason. He wouldn't have brought me here to die. (believe me, i've seriously considered thatt too..) He wouldn't have taken me this far to abandon me...which is impossible for Him to do.....
(I think i here Him say something...something like....."Now you're getting the hang of it" "you know who I am" "I am"- Okay. Lord, you are. You are!.......i'm sorry for thinking that i am....cuz i'm far from being. Just being. I can't even exist...I'm a mess without you...
I think yer filling my desperation cube. the one where i'm wallowing down there on the ground, and shivering and cold in the mud...and you pick me up- and you save me. You wrap me in yer robes, warm and white robes...although i stain them. and you give me a robe of my own, and then a ring for my nose...and you call me yours.
You call me Yours.
Lord, I"m a mess. I've been thinking the wrong things...i've been saying the wrong words...I've been doing everything wrong. I don't know how to go about this missionary thing...please help me live a life of sacrifice for you. A life of sacrifice for your kingdom in this dry and weary land, where there is not water nor light.
Okay, God. I am here. Call on me whenever you want me...your servant is listening.

sweet spring song