I'm getting a bike today, and I heard from star today, she's doing good, and i can possibly visit her home town as soon as were both not busy. I loved hanging out with her...she's a bit more mature than people here...cuz I've only been able to hang out with students, and they're all giddy when they talk to me. So, it's not like i can have a normal conversation with anyone over here. But i could with star. that was good. I think God put her in my life first for a reason...for a bit of sanity..
I've been looking up hiking sites on line...the pacific crest trail. I think that would be awesome to hike that ...take a couple months off and hike away> i'd want to do it with somebody though. Maybe Brandi? or somebody else? I don'tnkow. But maybe I can find short little hiking spots out here in China, to prepare. I will have only two months free when I get back from china- July and August, and not even all of august i think, cuz school starts. Maybe i can hook up with some sorta summer camp thing, where i'd get paid, like my new friend Alex, from England. He goes to NY and they pay him 3,000 dollars! So, i'msure there are some out in Oregon that i could get hooked up with. Yeah, that'd be good. Not go back to DQ! for sure. that would be wonderful

Well, mayeb i'll type more later...
I should tell the students that it's going to be halloween soon in America...
i'll type later


It is currently later- 9:25 to be exact. I just got done watchingFinding Nemo for the second time in ONe week. Sad, I know. But time consuming. I need to consume my time with other things....not always mindless things. Like movies. I'mso sick of using my wrist guard. SO, i took it off and put the keyboard down in my lap, so i can type easier.
I got a bike! Yup. A slightly pink one, and it has a basket on the front, and I got a bike lock also. Really good price. ONly about 10- bucks but 160 yuan . and that's pretty good. the bike will be alright. it's new, i just hope it doesn't get stole.
I'm struggeling, to just put on a happy face. really. i think the smallest things,whatever they may be would makeme happy, cuz i've felt so much pain....and I dont' even know from where? Myself...condemnation, that i accept...But see. I know all this stuff, Like, I know what I should do, but i don't do it. I think i'll be phony IF i do the things i should beczu my heart isn't there in it. I could care less right now about opening up my bible, adn reading...cuz my heart isn't in it...it's not like I recieve revelation every time I open it up. But i know I should, so I do. Does that even compute? I don't think so,but maybe God does. I think i'm at that mystery part again. Where I never knew God before...but maybe this is where I should be.
just know that everything happens for a reason and God is the creator of it all.
But most of this time i feel like at any moment I'm just finally slip and fall.. and break something. Like I'm gonna mess up big time. I guess at some sorta anxiety point...or being scared of messing up at some point. Ofcourse this fear doesn't keep me from doing it, falling that is. Just after wards I feel more condemned than before. I know too well what Paul was talking about...doing the things that I hate.
i am not cheap wine.
i am not.
Why are these trials needed? why cant I have flower fields and beautiful scenery all the time! everyday!? To know GOd is there, with me...? Why do i hafta go through the flame? I don't feel any more refined than before I went into it. I feelmore dirty actually. yucky that is.
am i special to you Lord?
do you still love me?
Have you forgotten about me?

my hands hurt, i gotta go.
apes