it's the 21st and I've just realized i'm in the heart of the lions cave.
the center, the birth place for Tai Chi is like 15 mins away, and the big buddah sits in the side of a wall, with a grin on his face. and i'm in the land of confusion....without a voice in the wilderness.
I am in a wilderness. i walk in this land, with the dust flying up to my face as every truck and car pass by at high speeds, and i suck it in. unknowingly. unknowingly. I need strength. i need strength.
i feel weak inside. alone, afraid, scattered. waiting for an answer to my prayers. i am waiting for him...
i walk in this land of confusion, where there is no water for my lips,and there is no answer in the woods. No wooing from my loved one. I am wandering in this land, strange, strange land. where the streets have no names...and where i look up and still see clouds, they consume the sky. there is barely a moment of freedom in this land.
all is restricted. all is hidden. all is held back from the seeing eye. they walk blind. they walk deaf....not seeing and not hearing....
the thousands drift by at a blink of an eye, with their black hair and black brown eyes. they wander too. and they are lost. they walk as though they have purpose in their steps. but all is meaningless in this land. all is without purpose.

I need you LORD!! i can't make it on my own. my own mind is against me. my own thoughts, they plague me at night. they think of things that aren't from you. they think wrong things- and i try to stop them. I deny this land in my sight. ....of it's confusion, of it's emptiness. Of it's seeming life...but not living. I deny this area's entrance into my heart. I deny it's power over me, beczu you have the crown of my heart...My life belongs to you...and I do NOT willingly put my life the hands of the wickedness of the land. I refuse anything that would say i am something that you say i'm not. like ugly, or empty,or void. or purposeless....that would be horrible.
I will not give into their lies.
i will not.
i will not believe them....
my mind spaces out every now and then...as if there is nothing to think.
i need to think...i need something of my own...i need something to call mine, in this land. i need to controll my mind, my thoughts...i need to wrap them around you....i need to know my place in you Father. Ineed to know who I am in you. Where am I?
Where am I in light of you?
Do i still have my sword at my side? Do I still have a place at your side Father?? Are you still with me???

I am being real here....and better to be real than to cover it over with a glossy smile saying that everything is alright....when everything is going wrong.

Love you Papa..and i miss you. I miss our love together...please help me, i wanna hear you...i wanna see you in this land.
your sweet spring song