it's funny, ya know?
how life can be so different but we are still just one big world.
i realized tonight all i really want is a touch. from somebody. i want somebody to reach out their hand and just touch me...like on the shoulder, on the face...on the hand...i just want a human touch....that's all. not too much to ask.
But, people go to desperate lengths to get this. they buy it, they sell it, some would even die for it,i'm sure. babies die cuz they're not held when they're little. doesn't God know this? doesn't God know that i'm lacking here...i'm needy, i'm desperate...just to be touched, by him. i'm just wanting a single touch....to fill my heart, make me shake...and not be able to stand.

i remember joseph's hugs...and i remember my head laid right on his chest and when he sighed that sigh, i could feel air fill his lungs. that's what i like. that's what i need right now. and i knew he had dimples as he smiled.
and ben. when ben hugged me, and i had to show him how to comfortably hugme....resting his head on top of mine, and just kinda holding me.

i want that right now. ineed that right now...and i don't have it. no matter how i wanna pretend God can do it. i am weak without another person to be with. and Jesus can be here, and hold me,...but i can't feel him. i can't feel him...hold me, like how joseph did, or how Ben did. why doesn't he when he actually can???

there's this woman down stairs, she probably lives on the first floor, and she only has a few teeth left. well, she walks really slow and she has this walker that she uses. I think also that her left hand is crippled..i'm not sure though. well, she reminds me to live life to fullest becuz i won't live that long. but does that mean that i sin? no, i don't think so. but does it mean i just exist? Existing is when you are really alive and active in the Holy Spirit, i'm sure. that is being truly alive...
i want to be truly alive, feeling the breath of my love on my face, and the rise and fall of his chest, as i hug him....and his arms wrapped around me, protecting me forever.
I don't want to be here anymore, i don't want to be here without my love..........