i can sense now that i am being put through a fire here. Although every day is a struggle I should carry on.
I am here and living and breathing. that's good enough for me. I'm thankful for the small things.

Well. I tried to get my hair permed yesturday but they took the curlers out and nothing happened! I think it's cuz in America, we do it differently---we have better stuff. And this was just a little perm kit, and she said that usually when they do it to chinese people hair, it curls it. I think that even on my hair it would have worked. So, they're gonna try again today. I spent 3 hours in the salon yesturday, i really hope it doesn't take that long again! It was cool- i found a chinese bible in the salon while I was there, i thought that was weird. I asked if Jeannie could read psalm 23- and she did in chinese! that was the coolest thing. and everyone was hearing the words...and i told them, kinda what it said in english. of course a very rough version! cuz i dont' know all the words. OOHH man, i just wanted to sleep in!! But this is my early day of the week, and I need to get up. i played hooky on Tuesday, and missed the early class, but i can't do that again! he,he,he!! My hair is more full this morning! I love it!...it's cuz it's slightly curly...well, wavey is more like it.

I've been thinking of the Two Towers, and Eowyn...the woman in Rohan with blond hair, when she talked to Strider/Aarogorn--and she said what she did fear "A cage. Where valor has gone beyond recall or desire, untill use and old age accept them." and then Aaragorn said "you are a daughter of Kings, I do not think that will be your fate.."
I think of this, and i am her. I think when the war time comes, I long to fight alongside my brothers...in battle against the greatest evil. The rest of the women might be in the cave, being protected....but i long to be in battle, fighting, until my very last breath is spent- fighting for what I believe for. I think maybe I have a cage. One that hides in the dark and traps me, when i least expect it. and there's a sneaky creature that lures me in, saying that is what i wanted all along, and he tricks me. This cage that I know as my own sin....i need to break it...i need to be delivered from it. Where is my deliverer?? He is near I know. He holds the keys, I know. He can free me. All I need is ask. But that cage always returns, and traps me once again.....and yet again, I must ask for the keys. It's a slow, grueling process. Which I hate. Becuz i must face the one I love with a face of sin again, and ask once again for the keys. He hands them to me, with blood comign out of his wrists, and down his face...cuz He's gone through the battle as well.
But He won it for US! Unto death, He walked and died for our freedom. It's ours. shoot. sometimes it's so hard to say that....

sweet spring song