I did a blogger this morning, but i thought it be important to do another one.
I just walked in from crying many tears, over my sins, over my mother, over my lost grandma. She died today...well yesturday for Michigan, it was 3:00 am when she died. She's been bed ridden and outta her mind for about 3-4 yrs. now. And she's finally gone to be with God. I know she knew the Lord, becuz she brought up all the kids, my aunts', up in a Seventh Day Adventist Church--ofcourse, i've heard many things about those churches..they're really sad. Aunt Marcia told me on a chat that mom was actually on her way down to see grandma, and she's dead now though.

I don't really know what to think, other than the Lord's will is always perfect and I wanna have kids soon, just to make sure my mom and dad get to be grandparents sometime in their life. I want my papa to hold my baby and cuddle with it, and I want him to do grandpa things....man. Those days will come I know. I just hope I won't be far from my parents during that time. I want them to be able to see their grandchildren. It says that grandchildren are a joy to the parents...and I want papap and mama to be happy. Ofcourse there's always that thing about getting married first! : )

As for crying over my sins.: I guess Brother Lawrence said it best, in The Practice of the presence of God:
"I consider God my King, against Whom I've committed all sorts of crimes. Confessing my sins to Him and asking HIm to forgive me, I place myself in His hands to do whatever he pleases with me. This King, Who is full of goodness and mercy, doesn't punish me. Rather, He embraces me lovingly and invites me to eat at His table. He serves me Himself and gives me the keys to His treasury, treating me as His favorite. He converses with me without mentioning my sins or my forgiveness."
This is the kind of love I was crying about tonight. Becuz I am forgiven. And I am like this traitor that has committed all sorts of henious acts of treason against her country, and i am brought before the Judge, by Satan and am pointed at and condemned by him. Yet everything with in me cries out--"I need your forgiveness Sir, Lord, King. I am nothing less than a peasant, a begger at your feet. Please do with me what you will. But above all things, I beg for your mercy on my life although I do not deserve it, or even expect you to give me it. In exchange for my life, I will spend all of my days serving you alone, my King."
And I say it with such sincerity and desperation, but the onlookers don't realize, this is the 30th time I've asked the same petition of my King. And He accpets my pleas once again. Ofcourse this disgusted the worm satan, becuz he came for my blood, he came to see my blood spilled. He came to see my die. But my King, my Lord, loved me so much, he said this last time, "I will take the punishment for you." and he walked over to executioner that was standing by....He said this becuz He knew then, that I would never have to worry anymore that He might say no. But that He will always forgive me. Becuz He already did. And becuz He did this, it made me not want to sin. It made me cry becuz He loved me so much....He wanted me to be with Him that much!

I can't fathom it sometimes....too great forwords