I won't repost what I wrote earlier. I think it might frighten friendly eyes, as to my safety. I am safe, that's enough for me. Although, i'm living quite on the edge of death i think. Sometime i think somebody's out to kill me, and i know that somebody is Satan. But he can't kill me. I've already been made alive in Christ. But, i say these words as though i am living them...as if I AM alive- but that's a stinking joke. All I know as truth, is Jesus and everything is bull-oney. Even my life. I'm bull-oney. I can't live two lives. One, where I claim i'm alive in written words....and another where I am hopelessly struggling just to find jesus. The one whom i've know since 1998, and have loved since then. I can't pretend.....I am seriously dying here. I don't know if I'm dying to myself or dying to the world, or just dying period....where everything I've stood for - for these 4 years- falls around me. But I know Jesus can't fall. I know He will remain. Although everything will fall around me, and nothing will be constant, He is the only one who will be. He is the "I Am" after all.

Amy Neilson emailed me and that was comforting. She said of me "Warrior Woman". and I don't see it. It's nice that other people see it though. Brandi emailed me too-- she said that I didn't email her too much when she was in Taiwan....so I kick myself in the rear for that, becuz I"m sure of how hard it was for her. She is thinking about getting an apartment with two girls..one from her church and Kristie, i think....That's nice. I wish i was there to live with them too. I'd be happy to. Ofcourse, God always has different plans than I.
This song just came on "It is well with my soul"--- I can only say this in faith right now. I can't say it for where I'm at, becuz I certainly know that it's NOT well with my soul....but I can believe that Jesus has made it well for my soul. Thus, I can say "It is well with my soul" Even when there is no grain in the field, or wine in the vat, or water in my cup....it is well with my soul. These are just material things. My mother tries to convince me to be happy, becuz people have it worse off than me, here in China. And I know this. I am blessed, becuz i have a computer, fridge, TV, DVD player, water--- but all these material things don't make me happy. For they are as sand before me, because I don't have the presence of the Lord, my love. SO, I can only say in faith, "It is well with my soul."

I walked to the lunch room, for something to eat. after i ate, i felt better. i walked through misty air, and coldness, and crowds of people that said no comforting words. it echoed in me...it surrounded me, it stirred in me, "See Me...Feel Me. Touch Me, See Me"....I am here. and nobody else surrounds me. Only me. walking, always walking by myself.
I think of the prophecy of Candy-- She doesn't know....she doesn't know that she prophecied right. She said "I see you on a train and you are going somewhere really far and distant (something like that), and you are lonely. So lonely" and she cried, i remember that--- she said to me, in encouragement words--that I need to hold on to Jesus and that He will be there with me, no matter how lonely and sad I'll be. He will be there, with me. I remember that. She needs to know that her prophecy was right. She needs to be encouraged to explore new areas of God's ministry in her life. To try things that are supposedly weird to other people.

MmmM. I miss....everyone. I think of Ben, on and off. Ofcourse, but i've let him go. On his own path. I trust Jesus as the one and only....if anything else like that happens with anyone else ....in my life. I'll be sure that it's the Lord...for surely...and God will hafta smack me upside the head to get my attention to see who it is...! Other than that-- I suddenly have no desire/no thought for getting married...or go out with ANYONE at all. I'm not seeking that life out yet. My journey with the Lord is rough enough, let alone being with somebody else and having to understand and pray with them also. I'm glad. I'm where i need to be, as much as I hate it.

welp, that's it for now. I think i'll check out JC's blogger.
sweetspring song