Christmas Day-
Be jolly? Yeah, i guess I hafta be. Maybe i'm just PMS'ing...i don't know. I want to cry like every 15 minutes becuz of everything.
I think God brought me here to break me and it worked. I'm torn, broken, in peices on the grounds....chards of glass....and who knows if i can ever be brought back together.
All i know is that i'm not letting go no matter what Satan says. I can't. I told him i wouldn't. But, i will seek help, outside of my own mind.
I'm making it a point to go to the Healing Rooms when i get back, maybe in a month or so. I don't have any money, so i just pray God creates a way, cuz i need deliverance. Here it comes again,...wanna cry.
i hold back the tears though, cuz it's sad to cry on Christmas. People try to bring me joy and stuff, but it all seems worthless to do that, cuz i'm desperately needing love from Jesus. I tried to fill it with other things...with worldly things...and i find out that didn't work. I just had to see though, if it might. But i was fooling myself.
Gosh. I see how much I judged people, like Desi, or John from DQ--when they were going through all this stuff...like "Oh,... Desi did what?? John got drunk??" like, critizing...OH LORD....keep my tounge quite from those times ...ever again...to know that they're in this place that I am right now, or even worse...OH LORD, hold onto those who are in this situation, like I am, or worse...those that are on their last rope, last straw, last thread, or whatever it is....HOLD onto them....Make sure they know you are holding onto them and won't them go.

I feel so far away from everyone here at the SIAS campus....all strangers...all unfamiliar faces...I met a person tonight who was basically in the same spot as I am in now- about 4 yrs ago, and he held on...and God brought him back here too! for 4 yrs. he's been here. and I said "I pray that God brings you back in time"---and inside i was thinking "Don't pray that curse over me!"---but outwardly i was saying, "Yeah, if God wants me to" Like, I'll be obediant,.....I'll try. I mean, I came here the first time, right? Well, I don't wanna disobey Jesus, i'll obey Him. ....- but it'll be hard, that's for sure, if He'd want me to come back here.
I"m thinking about making my life easy to live---I'm currently planning an easy life to live for myself...but to think those plans can all fall apart in a moment....it's scary to be living by faith in Jesus. Becuz He could call you to do something you'd never thought you could ever do...He could call you to do the thing yer so scared of doing.....-
Joshua 1:9 I know....I know...you don't hafta tell me...I already know.

So this is Christmas....
wishing i were somewhere else...like in the arms of my Father...and in the arms of my real father. I called, but it was too early...and i just almost cried...i held it in....I feel like I gotta hold it in all the time...the lump in my throat won't go away though.
I'll get healing...in time. He will heal me.
The person God would call-
sweet spring song