Yup, the day before i leave.
And i sat in a yucky restaurant by myself eating my yucky rice...it honestly wasn't too good...I've certainly had better.
I leave tomorrow at 7:00 in the morning, and I still needa' figure out what's happening with the whole ticket change thing- getting the whole 400 yuan for the differance, cuz NOW i don't have it. I am alright though, i think. I should be. God wants me to go back and i know that. i have comfort in that.
It kinda sucks...i don't even think that Brandi knows i'm coming back...none of my pals at christ center, or Keri for that matter, i think- knows that i'm coming back.---they're not expectin' me.
I've thought about it....i want to start over.. Like a new life, or a new heart, or something new. Like inside...where I look at things a bit differently.
I want to see the woods...the trees- i want to be in the water...where i can breathe again. The freshness is there and it's peaceful.
Ohhhh. Ach. I don't know what i'm talking about really. I just miss home. I miss.....hmmm.
Well, i found out by an email that Josh has a girlfriend! and i was quite shocked,...like, "why didn't he just tell me before?" It's not like i would have been heart broken, or torn apart becuz of that. In fact I'm really happy that he's happy, and that whoever he's going out with is happy. It's always a happy thing to see two people joined together... like that anyways. I still feel as though mine is far away, in some distant land...like Tibet, or something. Well, not really. But symbolically---cuz i always talk symbolically anyways- I just feel as though he's millions of miles away and I will never reach or find him. But maybe it's me that is distant- maybe it's me that is the one that is millions of miles away....
Shoot- sometimes i think that it's all just a fairy tale in my mind, made up- like, a dream...that I could have true happiness in love and marriage...that it's actually just a myth...and i have such HIGH expectations...like hollywood has formed in me by all these movies, where the ending is always where the guy and girl live happily ever after- when it's quite different than that in real life.
Gosh. i really shouldn't be thinking about this. it's all really depressing...and i am really too busy inside to be depressed about anything.
I gotta slim down my suitcase yet, and add a few things...leave some old clothes behind, and possibly just bring my fatty suitcase down here tonight- cuz i'm on the 4th floor, and i gotta haul my suitcase down all these steps
So chow for now.
sweet spring song