I thought i might begin the day typing what i felt last night- during the wedding reception i was working.
1. lonliness
2. depression
3. wonder
4. doubt.

and some other mixed feeelings that i can't put my finger on.
i've been contemplating that quote- "better to love and to have lost, then to have never loved at all."
i wonder if it's true.
becuz last night- i really wanted love. not lust, not a dad, not a mom, not a brother or sister, ...i wanted love, i wanted my love.
i wanted to be the one in the wedding dress, kissing my husband, throwing the flowers, dancing with my dad.
OH. sigh. and it hits me so hard, cuz the depression is overwhelming becuz when you want love, you want love...and there's nobody there to love you.
ugh.
and then i remind myself that i hafta hold on. i am wine....i am a vineyard...

all of creation groans, and i understand that sooo much right now.
my body wants to give up this life SOOO much, it's tired, it's just dragging on through day and night, and my heart is like a stone right now. and i wish it would be made a heart of flesh. i don't wanna be hardened, i wanna feel again.
i was thinking about lepers last night- the fact that they can't feel pain is what kills them- eventually. and i don't wanna die without feeling the love of another person- like a husband.
and yeah,yeah,yeah...i know, i know, i know....Jesus is my first love...and that's just IT> i've known it for YEARS!!!- like 5 years now. and i've been living it 0ut- but now- in all seriousness...i am ready for love. for marriage...
or am i?
becuz Jesus hasn't brought the man around- maybe that's a BIG no-no. a BIG stop sign- something that should be telling me that i AM NOT ready for it.
maybe i think i know more than God. stupid me. why do i do that?
maybe i need to get a good enough job before i get married.
maybe i need to save some money up for a wedding dress-and any other expenses for a wedding.
maybe i need to just know and believe God for who he is- not for who i think he is, by my own human standards and experiences.

i will concentrate on the Word and my homework and be strengthened inside- cuz HE IS MY STRENGTH WHEN I AM WEAK, HE IS THE TREASURE THAT I SEEK, HE IS MY ALL IN ALL.
and i need to believe him.
i want HIM.
truly.
"She will be loved, She will be loved!" - song on the radio,...don't know who it's by.

ciao bella