i listened to Crandberries this morning and got inspired a bit...but i forgot what about...
there something inside that has been lurking...like around a corner or something and it won't come into full view.
but i keep trudging on...in the wind and hope that everything else comes into view soon.
simple lesson: LOVE.
but is it so simple?
No. becuz we don't love ourselves sometimes...sometimes i hate what i've become..sometimes i hate myself. But i can't really do anything about that can i? sometimes i hate my hands, cuz they hurt. sometimes i hate the sun, becuz it's too bright.
there are those moments where i hate the sun. cuz i'm blind in it.
if a person get use to the darkness or have been living in the darkness, they can't barely see in the sun, (light). take that symbolically and run with it please.
that is what i've been dealing with.
dealing with the light and darkness in my heart. i guess.
once you've dabbled in the dark things of the earth again (sin) your eyes hurt when you are in the light (or in GOD). it hurts to go back to Him again, becuz you know and HE knows where you've been and what you've done. He knows about the darkness *gasp*
and He still wants you. *sob*
but it hurts for you to look at him becuz you've been in the dark places of the earth....
when before- you know- it NEVER hurt to be in the light- it was always sooo wonderful. it was always sooo lovely. but now it hurts.
maybe that was kinda like Moses coming down from the mountain.
nobody else's face shined like his did. he was a reflection of God. bright....and kinda painful to look at- like the Cross.
as the Israelites raised their hands to shield their eyes from Moses, i wonder if they eventually got use to the light on his face...or it became more human to them. not that the light on Moses became less. But that the Israelites became more *light*.
if the light went away- they soon sculpt themselves a golden calf to worship...maybe in hopes to have light again in their lives.
OOOHHHH.
how many times do we create for ourselves convient gods. that would work for us, or not be too roudy, or not be too demanding.
how many times we think we can handle it ourselves.
we can control our lives...
we can do a better job than God.
it's such a joke.
i dont' know church anymore...i don't know what God meant when he wanted us to be all together and love and be a family. becuz it doesn't happen for all the people that go to church.- that whole "family" spirit. there are still those 'outcasts' that don't think they fit/belong there.
and does church even have to be the place that kinda stuff takes place. maybe we are too use to the idea that it hasta' be in the walls of this building...called a church.

and i confess:
i've always thought that only those 'special' people have the right to talk to the pastor- or have any connection with him. like a personal relationship. i've always been on the outside, when it comes to having a real relationship with anybody in the 'church positions'- nobody has ever invited me to dinner, just to talk, or to coffee, just to talk...or to a movie...or anything. it's like those certain 'clicks' that have been there since the beginning of the church, and they hold that in some sorta respect or position or pride-factor, which they use to their advantage. becuz they are 'in', or they are 'accepted'.
and i'm not talking about Jehovahs' witness, or mormons- but CHRISTIANS...
and it's not suppose to be like that.
it's not suppose to be like this.
i stive to be a relevant voice for average 'jane' in church today... but it breaks my heart, even to go.
enough of that.

I love the clouds outside right now. storm clouds. and they just rolled in from the west.
they're wicked. they're daring. as if to say 'do you think you can stop me?"
the air is harsh and violent. different shades of gray up there.
there's a storm a brewin'.
the naked trees dance in it's eery violin solo.
i wonder if they are cold....the trees.
i think i would be.
i remember that awesome lightning storm i danced in right before the summer ended.
i love those.
they keep you aware.
like- you know you are alive, and you don't have any power in your own rights- to stop this thunder storm.
it's bigger than you