"i see your true colors shinning through"
- Phil Collins

after the weekend....
after Megan's wedding...after it all.
i sigh inside once again. cuz i wish it were me.
but since it's not me- God's making me wait for a reason. so, i hold onto HIM becuz there's reason behind his madness- or so it says in the word of God.

I went to church yesturday for the first time in a LONG time- and Jesus always speaks to me when i go, and i try to hold back the tears- and by the end of the service i book it for the door- in order to not bawl in front of everyone. and so i was crying all the way home- pouring my heart out to God. asking why i keep hurting Him, if i love him so much. asking what i should do to kill the sin in me. asking for fellowship. for friends. and other stuff, that i can't remember right now.

It boils down to this: i just want christian friends. i just want a sister in christ over here--to hang out with, to learn with, to be challenged with...somebody to hang out with.
I DON'T HAVE FELLOWSHIP.

it sucks too, cuz i really don't know anybody there at that church- but tonight, i'm going to the college-aged bible study group- and that should be alright.
so- since i'm without this fellowship right now, i hang out with the ones that wanna go dancing and partying.
and i shouldn't GO. i shouldn't.

and last night- nancy had a get together over here for her brother's birthday- and well, a woman was there who just got back from church- and the thing is, she was talking about her "priest"- like he was hers or something...and well, acording to her A LOT of people in the church just didn't like him, a lot of people were having a hard time with him...so they're looking into getting somebody else!
and i never thought stuff like that happened! i never thought that you could just be like "Oh, we don't like so-and-so, so let's get rid of him!"
that's wrong....cuz if he's in the position of the priest- GoD put him in that position, right? so where do we get off- saying we're gonna remove him...as if he's desposable.
i guess that's how a lot of people are leading their marriages too- if it's not working for them at that time, then they can just get up and leave.
"I'm not happy, and God wants me to be happy."- and then they leave.
as if your happiness is the ultimate goal or something- but it's NOT. it's the happiness of the Lord- Jesus-Holy Spirit in you. and then- out of that outflow of love, will (or should) come your own happiness.- cuz yer serving the Lord. Yer living for him!


There was a horrendous thunder and lightning storm about a month ago- and i wish i could have that back, for about the rest of my life. So i could dance in it, and feel the power again. feel that power of God working around me- as if things are changing in life. Things won't be like this forever- and so i could stand in awe again. becuz this life has already become so redundant. nothing seems to suprise me... i want God's suprise factor to shock me with His love again. I still love HIM- no matter what, even if he doesn't suprise me- and i will live in this "normality" if i am supposed to. But after reading John Eldgridges "Sacred Romance"- i'm convinced that God has more love waiting for me...
just around the corner.
just around the corner.
and a different kind of love. not like before...and not like how i would already know. But a special, learning kinda love...a new song..if you will.
and i'll be God's new love song.
i would be honored to be.

i guess i shouldn't make a book out of this today. but since it's been a long time for me typing in her- cuz my wrists and fingers are hurting more and more every day. i'm tempted to tape them everynight- so my whole hand won't fall asleep, shoot. i really need to get some kinda health insurance to cover this- like operation maybe.
the days of fall have started.
and it's beautiful outside.
things are changing.
ciao.