not to worry.
April is getting better.
and she has been recognized by the Lord...and she knows this.
now she does.
this day she does.
she's been a bit too busy feeling like God isn't there or that He doesn't seen...so she has been trying to run away from Him.
From His stare...His longing stare of passion. of desire.

and i've run from it...cuz i didn't think He'd want me- after what i've done. cuz it feels like i'm kinda like a Peter...the one who said He'd stick by Jesus no matter what- but i feel like i've failed Him in some really horrendous way...everything all added together= me failing.
but that's NOT TRUE.
i've been in the dark for too long. it's time for my freedom...it's time for the restoration project to start in my heart...it's time for the song of love to return, it's time for the winds of holy spirit to come, and for the river of refreshing to overwhelm me- it's that time.

I went to church today. (that's enough right there to understand why i type this stuff that i do)
and the LORD DIDN'T PASS ME BY. like i've always he did.- He would hit other people, but not me...
i thought i was the lesser of the children...i was the forgotten one.
But today....ahhh...today.
everything changed that thought.
He blew me away....by the Holy Spirit. I was blow away...with Love...with Passion, with Fire...with the winds...with the water...
I needed personal revival on the inside, and He met me there- at that spot of need.
I have reason to rejoice now....and i need to hold onto that.
people told me there's no return now...no point of return- back to the things of old...but that there's something NEW- and God gave me Psalm 71- which is totally right on!

I hate it when people think they can predict what God is gonna do...I love it when He messes that up.
I use to go to a church- A LONG TIME AGO- where now- i can see how they are totally organized and can predict what the "service" is gonna be like- as if we're some sorta business.
MAN! we've reduced Jesus to some sorta remediy- some sorta Generic God...where He's predictable...where He can fit into our comfort boxes...
I really DIS-like that! AAARRRGGG!

i wasn't getting USE to God- was I? was I distracted? there is a point in my life- where i can pin-point, and say- "that's when it all started"- where i doubted the faithfulness of God. Cuz i THOUGHT I COULD PREDICT HIM. i'm sorry, but i was wrong...i was sorely wrong...about HIM> he is not predictable...he is a mystery...all the time...but he is also faithfulness all the time..
I would encourage all who read this to visit this website:
www.bluelikejazz.com
it's an excellent way to explain what I mean through all this madness that I type- Watch the movie... it's beutiful..
i dont' wanna be typical with God...i dont' wanna be an average kinda Christian..

i dont' wanna lovers less wild...i want wildness...i want revival...i want HIM...through and through...in and out...of my spirit.. i want it to be deeper than what i've known before......than before this time...before this time...before it alll...before i sold out...before i gave up.

i have surrendered Lord.
i am here before you and i'm empty...
i long for you...
there's so much to this life that seems like a grind...a big scam...a facade....
what's this life worth/for- if it would be lived without you?? it would be nothing.
you add love to life Jesus.
You add mystery
you add adventure,
you add life to life...
you add life to death!

i guess this is me re-committing my life to you.
if i could put it in such simple terms.
here's to the new life.
cheers.
the song