currently listening to Van Morrison- Into the Mystic- this song always gets me to rockin' all slow and flowing with the Lord- he's a good artist.
anyways.- onto the topic and purpose of why i type:
this book- i cannot stop raving about it- "Searching For God Knows What"- Donald Miller-
this is kinda capturing some thoughts i've been having concerning God and that straight and narrow path some "Christian Pilgrim" walks daily-

"It makes sense that if a plant is separated from the sun, it dies, and that if people are separated from God, they die. And so now it feels as if we live on a planet where there is just a little bit of water left, poisoned as it is, and we all are trying to get it adn drink it so we can stay alive. But what we really need is God. What we really need is somebody who loves us so much we don't worry about death, about our hair thinning, about other drivers pulling in front of us on the road, about whether people are poor or rich, good-looking or ugly, about whether we feel lonely or about whether or not we are wearing clothes. We need this; we need this so we can love other people purely and not for selfish gain...." (pg. 110)

there's been this nagging- or more like longing- or deep-pitted groan, inside of me- i think...ever since I thought about there being a God in existance- and it's really grown ever since I've found him- or rather- since He found me. And i think that's kinda backwards. Cuz most people- well, people who have had their fill of "God this and God that"- well, sometimes it's thought that we're suppose to be all skipping hippies in the field of flowers- which ofcourse, i wouldn't mind doing- *to all of those who know me*-- but it's really been the opposite - and i don't think just for me.
let's see here if i can explain it-
*well, ever since knowing Him, things seem to have gotten a bit harder- but not heavier (cuz he seems to have taken the load for me- just as Samwise carried Frodo up the mountain of fire-yes, Frodo's heart was oh so heavy- yet he was being carried-right?)
*and ever since knowing Him- I still have not seen him with my own eyes- but I've felt Him (like an eeriy-hair standing on the back of my neck- or a warming or brokeness of my heart)
*Ever since knowing Him- the longing or nagging that I felt a long time ago- (the thought that there was some sorta God 'out there') has grown to proportions that I am not comfortable with and sometimes am very sad about- and that there's this horrible thing wrong with the human race-called 'badness' (using simple terms becuz this can entail all that which is 'not good')

I have also come to the conclusion that ever since meeting Him- I am moved to want to do good. (for ex: love people in a more real way-holy way-iguess or what have you) and the remant of badness that i can see 'seeping through' the ugly side of me- even THAT i wanna get gone- becuz i wanna be beautiful like Jesus- I wanna be beautiful like Him who has saved me!