"Trace the shape of my heart, till it becomes more familiar to your eyes....I've been lost without cold without your love, it's taken days and nights to make me realize....Rescue me, from hanging on this line, I won't give up on giving you the chance to blow my mind....I've been down without you, wrong without your love..."
- Jars of Clay.

I've been reading alot in my old journals...and pacing the store, listening to God's music..sending my thoughts heavenward and my worries to God. In reading my journals, i noticed alot in this one journal- the year of 2001- i like talked about Ben all the time! i prayed for him, fasted for him, wrote letters to him.....cuz i was totally convinced that he WAS THE ONE. and he ended up totally NOT being the one- very much so. and i noticed that i was placing a lot of faith in Ben, like- believing in what God had for him...and what God wanted to do in his life...make him a mighty warrior for God. and that we wouldn't just be going out together- but we'd be SERVING THE LORD together! completeing the things of God together!

i also read a thing that i filled out while i was going to EBC- If Jesus asked us a questions: "What can I do for you?"- what would we ask for...
I asked for a partner- somebody that i could pray with, somebody that i could lift up and somebody that could lift me up, somebody that I could serve the LORD with! I wanted to share this adventure-called life-with somebody! not just live- and get BY- and that's it. But i wanted to be involved with somebody that was passionate about the things of God- and that we would do what God told us to do- Go wherever God said to!

i'm doing some soul-searching right now. Do i bring Joseph closer to God? Do i glorify his relationship with Jesus? and more so- DOES HE BRING ME CLOSER TO JESUS?
has everything that has happened between us bring us CLOSER to Jesus- or further away? Have the events that have taken place make us fall? or raise us up?- to Jesus?
And more importantly- if they haven't. If i don't. If he doesn't- What then? What happens then?

All i know is if things don't radically change with our pattern of living...with our hearts....we need to take action...to kill that thing that has been setting us apart from our Maker.

"Create in Me a clean heart O God, Renew a steadfast spirit within, to my prayers you've always given heed"- Jennifer Knapp sings a psalm...which i cannot remember which one.

Create in me-Jesus- that soul-aching-the deep longing and desperation of the spirit to sooo invade me- that YOU would truly complete me. AND IN JOSEPH AS WELL.
another question: "Can J0seph be my best friend for a while?"- Cuz it seems like we haven't even developed that part of our relationship. just being friends.

So, here we go, for a ride....