why is it that U2 always puts me in this "reflective"state? well, here i go. off to blogger land!
i can see now why jesus has constantly reminded me of Joshua 1:9- don't be afraid. Cuz being in a relationship is kinda scary. I mean- a serious one-where the end goal is MARRIAGE. cuz it's like this constant thing that i must think of. "I'm gonna marry him someday." and scary questions filled with doubt and laced with fear invade me:
"What if he cheats on me? What if he turns back to his old ways and decides not to follow Jesus anymore? What if he abuses me?(this one is very heavy) What if, what if, what if...."
and it's like Satan is just setting up bait right in front of me- trying to scare me sooo much- to where i would tell him that i can't do this...i can't get married. i'm too scared.
But really- when i think of WHO Joseph IS- his character- his TRUE-God-loving nature- i find- that's HE'S NOT LIKE ANY OF THESE THINGS THAT I'M AFRAID OF! these are things that he would never DO! but...man is changing- MAN CAN CHANGE...(BUT GOD IS UNCHANGING...GOD IS FAITHFUL)
a man's actions or views can change SOO many times, but God's won't.
I think maybe that's the scary part.
that i hafta put trust in something SOOO much- somebody that can CHANGE. and i'm soo used to putting my trust in Jesus- who is the unchanging one. who is the unfailing one.... but MAN can fail. MAN can SIN.
and that's the stinky part.
i'm not saying i can't sin. or that i can't change...i'm saying I'M apart of this too! that's scary to think of too- questions like:
"Will i remain faithful, when a younger-attractive looking man comes up to me and whispers sweet-nothings into my ear? Will i run away? Will i leave? Will i turn back to MY old ways? Will i turn to my own strength/power- and not Jesus'?"
I can say that I will remain faithful NOW...but WILL i THEN?! it's sooooo tough. it's soooo scary, daring...

and i can see NOW- why God has been repeating Joshua 1:9- into my ear all along...cuz i used to say: "GOD- why do you keep telling me this verse..I ALREADY KNOW IT! I'M NOT AFRAID...i dont' know what yer talking about!"
suprise, suprise.

what now, Lord. what now?
"It's true we are immune, when fact is fiction! and TV reality!"
- U2.

it's so nice and warm outside right now, i'm totally sick of this whole-winter thing. YUCK...i'm sooo tired of it. it can leave now...really. it can. i want warmth- i want pretty grass to run around in and have picnics in.

Right now, God is teaching Joseph and I finances. - What we should/should not buy- AND we're fasting from Ebay-i've actually thought about going without computer for that long. but i really need to keep up with my bank account online. AND i wouldn't be able to see Joseph as much as i do now- cuz of webcam and microphone ;)- so that would be sad.
but that will be it for now-
my hands hurt :(