oh lordy- it's really been too long since i've typed. many reasons for such things.
the laziness that i am.
the not wanting to be on the computer
the fear of letting out secrets that no one shall read
the business of the days past
the value of time being dispered elsewhere.

and as i was driving along the other day- (in my van once again- it's back, and the car is gone...didn't like it too much, so i sold it for 500 more than what i bought it for) and i was slowly breaking down inside...like. missing something in life, or like God's glory is passing me by and i was a desperate fool then. a hollow fool, for a while...and simple fool. that thought she knew what was most valuable.
more and more this fool is learning that the only thing that makes her valuable is JESUS. nothing else. really.....my worth.
i have none on my own account. no worth. HE IS THE ONLY THING THAT GIVES ME WORTH.
i am only worthy, BECUZ he is worthy.
enough of that for now.
if you all wanna see the van that Joseph and I are getting- here's the website!
it's awesome! it's totally God!
www.rathmell.com/day1.html

and this- among many other blessings- are what make me re-examine my heart and my focus-and my worth.
he just suprises me with all these wonderful "things" and i can't take it for long- till i wanna break down, and just bawl- becuz i know with all the wrong that i've done in life,....I DON'T DESERVE ANY OF IT!
i know what i deserve- dog food for dinner, the toilet bowl for a drink...and hell, not heaven....but, ohhhhhhhhhh the mercy of God...the sweet spring rain and mercy of the Lord. i am slightly glad that i can't earn it- cuz then there would be a "cost" there- and that's not how God works.- gesh...listen to me.--- like i know how God works! like i know his ways! or something....what a fool.
i don't know what i'm talking about- don't listen to me. i'm a babbling fool- who approaches the throne of grace daily, looking down, shamed and ugly....so, please. move on, there's nothing to read here- except babblings from a cracked pot, that is pouring out the sad tears of the passing years.

listening to "Colorblind" by Counting Crows- always sets me in the reflective mode. like i really have no philosophical thing to say- but to dump a broken hearted bucket of learned moments of life out over the net.
i have no set agenda or steps- to get where i'm trying to go. i feel as though i'm playing each day by ear...and listening for the maistro to change the tune, or melody, or whatever it is that he changes in compositions. there's something scary, yet comforting about that.
knowing that there is currently NO stepping stone in front of me- yet, hoping to God that there will be one that shows up--- eventually. that he gives me to rest on for a couple moments, or days, or years....
whatever HE wills.
not my own, but HIS ALONE.