a little bob dylan for the soul....

What is it about Bob dylan that just reminds me that we are all humans?
Humans can and will hurt you...as a person. and, i suppose, i could hurt people, without really knowing it. like, not on purpose...but not knowing that i've caused somebody pain. but. it kinda sucks when you know that you've been forgotten. but, i'm moving on...tangled up in blue....moving on, truckin'. keep on keepin' on.

I lost my glasses that i got while i was in china...the ones that looked cool on me. dang it. i took brittany bear for a walk downtown, just groovin' and i put my glasses on my necklace...like to hold them- and tried to find them, but they were NO where. i think somebody took em' when they saw them on the ground or something. i couldn't find em'. dang it.
Oh flippin' well. So is life.
maybe i'll get cooler ones.
but, even still- life is more than glasses- right? life is more than the things around us...

I'm gonna go on a hike up in the U.P. on the 1st-3rd, and it'll be awesome. like a really good reflective time with the Lord. and i hope i get some sorta "break-through" with life...and find out who i am. who i really am.
gosh. that's kinda chilling. Do i really wanna find out who i am?? will i be frightened with the hidden, lurking, cob-webb-ish, truths that i find? i'm pretty sure that i'll be fine in the end of it all, but the process is what really hurts the most.

As for the hike- it will be the "Chapel Falls Loop" up around the Pictured rocks..it'll be awesome. i'm checking the weather and everything as I type in here and checking with the trail itself. Like, i don't know if i should begin with Munising OR the Grand Maris side (which will be the closer side). But either way i hope it'll be a good hike. But i think it might rain. dang.

I just downloaded a whole buncha jimi hendrix songs and some bob dylan songs. good stuff.
and i think i'll go take some picts. soon. cuz i've been meaning to. i have a nice camera. but, ya see- i always end up with no pics. of myself, cuz nobody else takes good pics. like i do. but actually. i should ask megan if she wants to go take some pictures with me sometime. that would be fun.

I took a nap on the trampoline today, waiting for people to give me a call. but people didn't. so, i was laying there...and my cute little Brittany bear wanted to get up there with me- so, i helped her up and we took a nap together on the trampoline. it was really relaxing. very calm and peaceful...with the wind and the birds and the weather all nice.

i think i'm gonna go wander now.
ciao

Israel and Yerushyalim (jerusalem)

HOLY LLAMA! I am totally stoked! Well-- about Israel...and hopefully being able to go there. I think God is calling me back...and well, to be apart of this ministry called Succat Hallel (jerusalempraise.org)? i think. and this guy that runs this ministry spoke at our church-- like last sunday..and i just got sooo pumped up. Like, how many examples of the messiah were given in the Old Testament, yet God's own people can't see it. Ohhhhh man. I sooo wanna go....Anyways. they are having this "internship" program- for like 3 months, April till July-ish..and i would be staying through the conference that will be going on- it's called One Thing (taken after Psalm 27) and there's gonna be awesome prophetic speakers showing up there and worship leaders from all over...ohhhh mannnn...it's gonna rock the roof off of the Old City...oh, wait a minute, THERE IS NO ROOF! hahahha. maybe somebody else already rocked the roof off!
Anyways. I'm not gonna do this on my own strength. Cuz if it's seriously HIM calling me, HE will be the one that "opens doors and closes" them--- meaning He will supernaturally create a way over there, when there was NO way in the physical realm. Yes. But i will keep giving this desire to God, and see what He does. And I've already told P.Mike about it..and He seems to like trust this calling in me.

And there was this prophecy on the Elijah List website..that my friend told me i just HAD to read...it's title went something like this-- "God is calling the Esthers back into Jerusalem, for "Such a time as this"..."
and i swear my heart stopped beating for like a split second.
here's the website for that article if ya wanna read it- http://www.elijahlist.com/words/display_word/4395

I'm sooo excited. So, i'll be seriously praying about that. Ever since leaving Israel, i've known that i'll go back..some day. Maybe it's time. For such a time as this.

I think i'm gonna go for a run/walk here pretty soon. on my handy-dandy tread mill. gosh i haven't gone in like 4 days.
ugh. feeling lazy.
Friday night worship/prayer is tonight and it's gonna rock! i'm sooo excited!

So- after sunday...(which was awesome, cuz we had speakers from Israel)- I am totally stoked about NEXT summer.
there will be a "gathering" in Jerusalem- geting together to be onfire for Jesus and there will be speakers, worship and intercession for Israel. this is awesome. i think this will be the biggest thing that would've happened in Israel...beside Israel finally being in Jewish hands again after the war.- and it's gonna ROCK THE HOUSE IN HEAVEN! MAN! i'm totally stoked.
I AM GONNA GO. THERE'S SO doubt in my mind. i've got such a burning in my soul to be there...to be with Israel...to hear the speakers...to be apart of that radical revolution of Love-
Anyways. i'll be saving up for that..while i'm in school.
this will be my 2nd time in Israel. and it'll rock...
even more so.

Other than that...school is starting again in like 2 weeks. it'll be good. finally geting through the mud.
finally graduating by the end of the year.
For some reason, i wanna watch that "Croutching Tiger hidden dragon" movie...i always laugh it up by myself...cuz i pronounce the movie title wrong- i say: "Croutching Tiger, Hidden Liger"...cuz it rhyms...i'm silly like that..and nobody else would laugh. so i'd be standing there by myself...laughing.
heheheheh.
i'm laughing just thinking about it.

So, i'm gonna split now.
i'm gonna look up how to adjust your own back. cuz the middle part of my back has been seriously weird lately. for a while actually.
so ciao for now.

"I won't be made useless, or idle with despair, gather myself around my faith, who lights the darkness most fear...."
"Hands" By Jewel

Ok- so, i had a weird dream...that i pulled into a gas station. and it was going to be the last gas station open...becuz gas was becoming obsolete. and there would be no gas for cars. So, this one pump that i was using was just pumping fizzy water into my tank...which was useless ofcourse. so i changed over to a different pump- and my tank took 50 dollars and STILL wasnt' full! and that's not normal. like, it really only takes maybe 40 bucks to fill my tank now. But when i went to go pay inside...this girl, who could BARELY speak english was like telling me that i owed 80 bucks or something.. And i was like, Heck no! I do NOT! And i TRIED to tell her that the gas on that one was pumping out water...and she was like NOT understanding me at ALL...and i tried to get another person to tell her what i meant, and like they all COULD BARELY SPEAK ENGLISH! and i couldn't get what i was trying to tell them across...and there were tons of people just running around in there. becuz the gas station was closing and people were going crazy or something.
But it was freaky.
Like, it makes me wanna sell my car, just to beat the rush. i mean becuz like all these are comiing to pass and stuff.
like, what IF we STOP using gas...like the consequences are really BIG...and like people wouln't be able to use any of their cars...holy crap. i could only imagine.

So, my friend Brianna is like re-connecting with the Lord and it's WAY awesome becuz she's already being poured out as an offering to the Lord- like telling her own best friend about Jesus and salvation and like Holy Spirit stuff...it's awesome.
The day of the Lord is near. and it's going to be awesome.
i'm excited.

Hey ya'll.
I've decided if I were given like the "chance" to drag race I would. I would totally bring it on. i would love to. maybe get my little toyota suped up. make it a sweet ride. i wouldn't know how to do that though.
anyways. i've wanted to make a shirt that says: "I like to speed" on the front and then "Drag Rice anyone?" on the back. that would rock.
AND another thing i would do if i had some fatty cash-- I would by a bow.
I actually really DO wanna do this... for real. I wanna by a Recurve Bow. a nice one, made outta wood. that would be nice.
I just want it to bow practice. I know how many pounds i can pull on the line- about 30. and then i might want a bow around 50 inches or so long. that would be good.
these are frivilous things though. things that i would want, just out of my desire for them...not really needing them.
So, it's not like i'll lose sleep over not having these things.

what else? things are well right now. I've been trying to go running- and kinda like building my mile to below 10 mins. which i think that's what i was at last time.
so, ciao for now.

Church day:

Well. after a trying day yesturday...I'm awaiting for church right now.
Last night after i got back from work, i went nightswimming- with a half moon out. And i'm currently listening to one of Clayton's fav. songs by REM- (ode to memories) and will be leaving for church soon here.
JOY.
Jesus awaits me. Jesus awaits my soul...for love...for worship...for healing.
I can't wait.
there i will find peace.
there i will find him

Crushed in Spirit

Uhmmm- yeah. very different from yesturday.
I'm seriously crushed in spirit right now. My friend John- who led me to the Lord (in 1998)- well he's been meaning to talk to me for a while about something- so, we talked last night about like stuff- about when he recently visited Traverse City, and we hung out- at his parents house...and he made dinner..anyways. Usually when we meet up- like we usually talk about God stuff- like catch up on eachother spiritually-- i mean, he's the one i've turned to when i've been confused about stuff and like when i've had questions about God stuff- i've always been able to talk to him about it..
anyways- Like, when he told me in the beginning that he has something "important" to talk to me about- i assumed, like a stupid girl- that he might say something like: "April, I've liked you forever.." or something outrageous like that. I'm such a romantic and i hope for the best from guys who say something like that. I totally assumed the wrong thing. and i kick myself in the butt now-
but the conversation didn't go that way at ALL.
Well- this kinda "spiritual leader" in my life- He says something like: "I think you shouldn't be so outgoing with your relationship with Jesus..."-- well, something like that-- i mean, in a nutshell with the whole "i really hope this doesn't hurt you" phrase. and it sounded like i'm not suppose to be all radical for Jesus" anymore or something.
It really broke my heart.
Cuz somebody like him- the one who lead me to Jesus-- telling me to "dumb down" my relationship with Jesus when i'm around him!!! like, he talked about how he's more "reserved" and "quiet" about his personal relationship with God...and i'm like "Uhmmm, but that doesn't mean i have to be!" and he knows and understands that... He just says he's uncomfortable with what i share and HOW i talk about God...Like I don't revere Him or something?
Oh-Contraire. i really do. i HONOR and Revere and Respect and Fear the Lord. But in a loving way.
But it seriously crushed me.
Becuz IF anyone, HE should be one that encourages me to draw nearer and nearer to the Lord.
If anyone, HE should be the one i can turn to for like advice and wisdom when it comes to Godly things...
Gosh...i'm sooo flippin' crushed...
Gosh...i was soo torn last night. Trying to work at the same time, wanting to burst into tears...becuz a man, a really close friend, a spiritual leader in my life, has told me to "tone it down"...to "calm down and be quiet about the Lord".
When i was closing- (about 1:00 in the morning last night)-- i was seriously seeking the Lord. Becuz this is just ONE MORE example of a man...one more, in the book of fail hopes...failed dreams....
and i asked God
"Am I sooo uncaptivating?! Am I sooo unwanted! Am I really this repulsive!?"
ooohhh man how i want to escape this thought......how i want to believe that I'm not....
How i have been given sooo many examples...starting with my own father. Starting with him my soul has been born...
and then the line continues.
This book i'm reading (and will hopefully finish) Captivating- by john Eldgridge or something-- well, in the book...His wife and him are writting it together- and they bring about this thought-
that little girls- they long for their fathers affection- they long to be told they are beautiful and wonderful and captivating. they long to be noticed.
so. i have a question.
what happens when that doesn't happen. with soo many girls like me.
and we aren't noticed.
we are always passed by, forgotten.
I remember distinctly this one moment (after my mom and dad got a divorce) that dad was going to come and pick us girls up for the weekend and well, Friday night came and I was sitting on the porch while my sisters were sitting inside-- I was waiting for papa to arrive. waiting for my daddy. but the time that he was suppose to show up came and went. and i was sitting there...and mom came out on the porch, and said- "Don't you know that your father isn't coming for you??" and i said "I know, but I wanna wait here cuz he might show up anyway".
and there i sat.
i am not typing this to get a pitty trip from ANYBODY...i am typing this to recognize that i have been HOPING ever since then- for a man to show up at my door. for a man to walk up and say:
"I've been looking for you my whole life...and i've finally found you...I've loved you even though I don't know you...I've known who you are, even though I've just met you..."
I've been waiting for somebody to tell me that I'm 'Worth' it. I've been waiting for somebody to just show up in my life to tell me that i'm wanted.
that I AM wanted.

And man. I'm still waiting. I'm still here...waiting.
I know, I know.....Jesus is the one i'm waiting for...for him to show up and finally just 'take me'...i mean. read my blog post called: "The Power of God and the bluesy mood of April"
I KNOW that Jesus is him...and i'm just waiting for HIM to take me.
either that...or waiting for a man to show up on my door step, with a dozen roses, and say..."I've been seeking you my whole life."

Either one. would be fine with me....
Hmmm. but yet i sit here, typing. and i know i should be getting ready for work. but i'm not. cuz i need to vent.
i need to vent out there into cyber space-
I'm hurting and i don't know what to do about it
i'm crushed and all i can do is weep...all i can think is about how i don't know what to think....
dang

Why do I hold onto hope? and the stigma of relationships:

What i mean is- why do i hold onto the hope of a "Godly on-fire for Jesus man"? Really. Am I waiting in vain? I think not. Cuz i've had examples of "Godly on-fire for Jesus" men- a few of my friends, actually...Joseph, JC, Josh...and others back out in Oregon and here in Michigan...
So- know they exist.
i keep hope alive in me- i know they exist.

and as for the Stigma of relationships in the church-- that's a funny story.
Cuz dude. If you picture everyone as your sister or brother in Christ...then how could you start a relationship with somebody you already consider a "sister" or "brother" in the Lord. Like,...there is this "silent" killer in opportunites of starting relationships becuz people will automatically assume that you aren't radical for Jesus if you want/have a relationship with somebody...I mean. like if a guy pursues a girl (if it's a Godly pursuit)-- people will for some reason think that they aren't focused on the Lord or something...cuz they are too concerned with this girl/guy....
that's ridiculous.
Cuz the apostle Paul talks about how it's a good thing to take a wife or whatever...
hhmmmm, i think these are just random rantings...
So i will stop here.

I'm learning that vulnerability to the Lord is a good thing- especially when in worship. cuz if you are there all blocking your heart and not wanting anybody to come in, then that is exactly what is going to happen. Jesus wants to come in and make a home and rest in me...and i need to let him.
why i am saying all of this- becuz in my human, carnal mind, I would resist the affections of a man becuz of how i've been hurt. I would deny the LOVE that my Lord would want to give me becuz i would have a hard time believing that he doesn't just want to use me. or he doesn't want to hurt me. he doesn't want to trick me.
He's a GOOD GOD. HE IS A LOVER. HE IS A FRIEND...HE IS A SACRIFICIAL WARRIOR. and He pursues my heart.
so why would i block it?
I'm not gonna. i'm going to yield to HIM WHOM MY SOUL LOVES. and he will love me, in a heavenly way.
awesome.

I slept in (well, i've kinda BEEN sleeping in)- till about 10-ish. like...i think my body wants to wake me up aroun9-ish, but i resist cuz i feel really TIRED at that time and so i go back to sleep and have weird dreams! i can't remember them all right now though.
and so, since it's sooo FREAKIN' HOT i'm drinking iced coffee with dark brown sugar! oh boy! yumm! and i'm still trying to decide what to do with the rest of my day before i hafta go work. like, i'm really debating on going for a run but I HATE RUNNING...and it's like really TOO HOT to EVEN MOVE outside! ugh! i hate this kinda weather.
i mean, i would wanna go to the beach, but at the same time, i don't want to cuz then, i would be outside in this horrid weather! ugh!
I COULD wash my car and clean out the inside, it seriously needs it after all the crazy driving i've been doing.
and i've decided that i am NOT going to mexico with amber (my little sis.). Becuz i know how she is and we wouldn't mesh well on a long trip like that- like BIG TIME not mesh. holy cow. just going to this concert...she was a freak and i couldn't stand it! just imagine being in another COUNTRY with somebody like that!
But, i MIGHT (and that's a slight might)- go to Oregon/Washington for Christmas break this year- cuz my older sis. wants to spend christmas with the both of us...and i kinda want to. So, we will see. and i've kinda HOPED that i would be able to visit everyone out there in Oregon- my good buddies...like JC, Brandi, the Josh's, Mama and Papa Guth, Sharron! and all the other peps'. Hopefully i'll be able to see Greg. to Pray over him...to pray for him. He needs some serious lifting up!
uhmmm, anyways. I just totally paid like the 2 bills i was MOST worried about this month- my insurance bill and then my phone bill! it equalled 270 altogether! and i didn't have any money! ugh! But God totally answers prays and He got me the hook up with increasing my credit line through my bank out in Oregon- and i can pay for things this month. and I will be praying for faithfulness in the small things so i won't be like maxed out on it! Cuz God is creating faithfulness in me for the small things.
I guess i shall dash for now. try to figure out what to do with my day.
ciao
apes

Dudes. i was gonna type this response to my friends' email to me- on this Blog but i chose not to. it wouldn't be wise.
instead...i shall rant about...
LAST NIGHT!
SOOOO awesome!
i was totally stoked! it was sooo fun!
Ok- we (my friend richard and I) went to worship and prayer night (cuz it's on fridays usually)-- and well. it was just WAY awesome. I kinda went "Expecting" to hear from the Lord- But like, personally. I wasn't planning on getting prayed for or anything...but there was this awesome "spirit" of like passionate LOVE in the air. Like, Jesus was setting us on FIRE for HIM again...Like the flames of First Love! (Revelations) once again...and i was like totally overwhelmed with it! and i got some sorta vision in my mind- after pastor mike was talking about "Setting the Bride of Christ on fire again"--- I got a picture in my mind, of a woman, with like mascara running down her face (cuz she's been crying) and she's in a beautiful WHITE wedding dress- but the dress is on fire! the bottom part is on fire, but SHE isn't getting BURNED! and in her hand she was carrying a sword. in her right hand...and it was kinda like pointed out- towards where she was walking- which was into a dark alley...she was headed into the darkness with the sword in her hand and her dress a blaze...But she had a broken heart (hence the running mascara) for the lost.
Man.
it was a crazy, awesome vision....
I'm getting on FIRE for the Lord again!
ONCE again! I'm burning with a passion to KNOW and LOVE HIM. and like...a friend of mine...after the whole worship and prayer time-
She felt like the Lord wanted her to braid my hair!
Weird huh?
Well, WHILE she was braiding my hair (which i still have braided as I type) she was praying over me. Praying that Jesus wants to take me away again. Wisk me away to himself and have a passionate love with me..and she said something about in Song of Solomon that it says something about how the man LOVED the woman with the braided hair and said she was beautiful.
and she started to pray that I would start to see myself as beautiful...and see myself how Jesus sees me...a beautiful bride...and beautiful woman.
and man....something just broke in me.
Oh-yeah. For got to say- Pastor Mike prayed over me...like, specifically about my calling- he felt it was "teacher" but I can only trust JESUS to do something like that...cuz i seriously think i suck at teaching, but OK. if it's really the Lord's will, it will be done regardless. I just hafta say "Yes and Amen"... And then, he broke some stuff off of me. It was mainly about breaking off the Spirit of thinking Men are from Satan and stuff. But THEY are not EVIL, but SATAN himself is evil! We don't wrestle again flesh and blood, but pricipalities and wickedness and things in high places that exalt themselves again Jesus.
and he also felt that I need to break the internal vows that I've made- to never trust another man ever again...and to never love a man ever again.
AND THOSE WERE BROKEN OFF OF ME! ALL OF THEM!

and i BELONG to JESUS alone now.
I'm all HIS....HIS alone.
I'm really excited...i can't wait...i mean...to see what lies beneath all of the curses that were broken....WHAT promises are to come. What promises the LORD is going to fullfill.
OH WOW.
amen

(This is an excerpt from my journal that i wrote while sitting in a house dimly lit by candel light.)
I charged through the storm today- literally.
It swept in the like a wave adn i was walkig the dogs- coming back from the lake. BOOM! and then a wave of rain falling- the wind carried it longer than it should've gone.
Nicky (Nancy's dog) was kinda scared and I triedto hurry them back home.

Finally putting them inside-I opened the front door to face my fate.

Facing my long awaited fate, out in the storm...Life or death.
Rather hoping it would be death.
Rather hoping it was a good day to die.
Rather hoping I'd see God.
Finally.
No more of this "seeing through a glass dimly".
No more of this partial-heaven on earth!

DANG IT! I WANT THE REAL THING! I'M READY FOR HIM!

So, face to the flint, I headed out into the storm, not knowing if I were to return.
Not knowig if I'd see Brittany again, not knowing if I'd see ANY of my family again.

I whispered under my breath:
"Bring it on Lord!"

Stomping out into the storm-the lightning was really surrounding me- a flash to the North, a flash and BOOM! to the west. and the rain pounded as I wandered daringly down the street.
Each step not so lightly taken.
Each step declaring my resolve to finally meet my maker.
"Please take me! I dare you! Just try it! Take me!"
I shouted now, not caring what the fokls across the street thought. Who cares if I want to be a little looney now and then?

Some man on his front porch shouted something out to me- I just stomped down the road (now barefoot) with the flood waters rushing past my feet and the clouds looking black and blue overhead.

"Just try it..." I whispered this time knowing the Lord of the sky and earth and heavens heard me.
Knowing that HE heard me.
So, what would he say?!
What is He going to say? I knew He was going to answer, but what would HE say?
Who cares. I trudged along looking to the skies, passing by a house that had a tree in it's driveway that the lightning hit minutes ago...
Shocked- if I had been here minutes ago...I would've been hit. I would've been taken, Finally! But I wasn't hit. I wasn't taken.
DANG IT!
"Answer me! ANSWER ME!"
I screamed, getting a little angry. Knowing that the power of God showed up here- RIGHT HERE- at this point- and I wasn't there! I MISSED IT!. ...I missed the Power of God....the awesome, rushing, uncontrolled, POWER OF GOD...
i missed it.
He was there in His Power and I didn't get to see it. I didn't get taken.
not yet anyways.

Passing the house and moving on, Praying in the Spirit...for God to meet me...cars pass by and I'm soaked to the bone. Probably looking like a drown rat and the cars just pass by not stopping.
I dont' blame them- I wouldn't stop for some loco-chic like me either...walking around in the wild, crazy thunder storms. Well, then again- maybe I would. Becuz I would be curious...a little too curious.
I'm funny like that.

By the time I got back around close to the house, it was really REALLY stormy and the lightning was close. I counted not even ONE-0ne thousand and it hit. less than .5 miles away.
The darkness crept in too easily, the black and blue clouds swept by too slowly and the storm lasted till eternity.

I could only blink to keep the waters of heaven out of my eyes.
So, I was almost home when the storm was the craziest.

I stood in the driveway with the rain continuing to pelt me, a little disappointed. I wanted God to finally tkae me, but He didn't. I wanted to be rid of this thing called earth. But yet it lingers.
and i heard a whisper...
a faint, subtle, whisper on the torrential winds...
"I still have plans for you. There are still things I have planned for you. Not yet."
and He whispered.
that was it.
I sighed.
Oh man, I still have to be here. I still have to live on this earth?!!!!!!!!!!!
As I was standing on the porch, I closed my eyes and held out my arms, letting every little bit of me be consumed.
I asked,
"WHy?!"
adn He said:
"Get inside! RIght now! or else I will take you...."
and as I opened my eyes- I saw a flash of lightning above the roof of the house....
and for a moment....
for a brief split second
I knew what Moses felt like. I knew it to my core-being. In my Spirit- I just KNEW the cry that Moses had in his heart at that very moment when he said:
"Show Me Your glory Lord!"
and I actually felt what it means to "fear the Lord" it's a respect thing. and an adoring thing at the same time.
I felt HIm say it again.
"GO INSIDE NOW!"
and hand on door...I paused.
I WANTED HIM TO TAKE Me!
i paused for that...
IN HOPE THAT HE WOULD TAKE ME.....
But, the fear of the Lord and the message in my heart made me open the door and finally take shelter from the storm.

and I sit here, writing this in a house lit by candle light...still trying to figure out what this really means.

NOTE: All of this was written in my journal after the storm- time was about 9:00-ish of writing by candle light.

Dude! I'm like really trying to figure out how to change the myspace look i have. I have no clue how to do it! i think i'll need a good friend to like SHOW me while i sit there next to them...and pick out all the things i want. I think my-myspace looks really boring and stuff...and i'd like to get more pics. on there...NEWER ones- cuz these are old ones. and since i dont' technically "own" the bus anymore...i really should take this pic. off my profile thingy.

anyways. there's more to life than Myspace. I'm currently downloading some good ole' bluesy tunes- Otis Rush, Muddy Waters, Lightning Hopkins...to name a few. I've been a bluesy mood recently. and I'm really debating on chopping all my hair off- cuz it's sooo stinkin' HOT here...i mean, were' talking some really STANK HOT HUMID weather...
and i wonder if I will regret choppin' it later- i mean, after the humid weather is gone.
EH. dang i dont' know.
I like Johnny Langs' voice. He's got it goin' on.

Dudes- I just finished this book called: "To Own a Dragon"- By Donald Miller. And well. i totally dug it. it's some good stuff. it's about growing up without a father- and the repercussions of that- and the effects it would have with yer walk with the Lord..and HOW TO OVERCOME those things. But- I think, if i ever met Don, I think he would totally dig me. Like, we would get along really well-and have some good ole' conversations at some special coffee shop that he usually hangs out at- over there in Portland.
I'm really convinced that he would like me- i mean as a pal and stuff. the way that he writes and gives examples and stuff in his book about his own character- it makes me think that we would get along REALLY well- like old friends.
So- if anyone ever reads this- and KNOWS Donald Miller in Portland (the one that wrote the book about ridin' in a hippie bus from Texas to Oregon) Tell him that I think we'd be good friends if we'd ever met. and then, hopefully we WILL meet someday (if the Lord sets it up.)

Now i'm currently listening to some Muddy Waters...good stuff. slow bluesy-blues. that rockin' side to side blues....that noddin' of the head blues....that sweet-subtle blues.
oh boy. good stuff.

Dudes. Yeah. i just woke up- from a night of totally working my butt off at the conference center. It was seriously tough work...and my legs hurts so bad! I could feel my heart beat in my knees!? Is that normal? and well, i couldn't get to sleep so easily cuz my legs hurt- so, yeah. I woke up a bit ago...and will be going to church.
yeah. church.
I've been reflective a bit lately- Like "Am I happy with where I'm at in life.?" and stuff. cuz i recently got this letter in the mail- Something i wrote Jan. 4th of 2005! it was this weird thing- where I was at Joseph's bible study out in New Jersey- and the pastor asked us to write stuff...and then He will send it to us in a year's time- and we can read what we wrote. So, here's a little bit-
"God asks- 'What did you do with your life?' (my response is this-) I loved you with all that I was and worshipped you for who you are-not what you could DO for me. Ever since being saved by your gracious hand, I've had you on my heart and I've had you on my mind- I haven't stopped thinking about you- I am captured and betrothed to you."

Oh my word. And the rest of what i wrote TOTALLY hits my heart like a ton of bricks.
I want my relationship with Jesus to be EVER- increasing and EVER-wildly growing...into something amazing and adventurous! I mean- i never want to have that "stuck in a rut" feeling when i'm with the Lord- And I haven't! i really truly haven't! I mean, even when i've totally strayed from Him and His love for me- He's brought me back to himself ONLY BY grace..and only by HIS romantic gaze into my heart.
Man. It's kinda tough right now to think of Jesus as the Lover of your soul- especially when you've had all these horrible experiences with guys that just use you to get whatever THEY want. Men have a VERY selfish love....well, that's my experience. And i have YET to see God prove me wrong. The only fact that is convincing me that ALL MEN AREN'T EVIL is that Jesus himself was a MAN...and he was FAR from EVIL! He was LOVE incarnate! the most UNSELFISH portrayal of love in a man that I've seen yet!
BUT....i need more. I need another example of that TODAY- in MY LIFETIME. I need to see a man walking out a selfless, humble, gentle, sweet love towards a woman.
and NOT JUST any woman...
but ME.
for me.
i want to see this for me....and to walk out a selfless- undying- passionate-warrior kind of love...and i will walk along side him in humility and peace...

over and out for now

I am reading Captivating now...a really good book

Racing into the Storm.
Racing into the Sun.
Racing the speed of time.

Racing into the Storm.
Clouds forming wickedly overhead.
Razor drops cutting my skin.
Charging through the night,
laughing wildly in a steel rig.

Racing into the Sun.
Burning soul of love.
Passionate fire songs of rapture.
Dancing in thunder and lightning,
laughing wildly in open fields of green.

Racing the Speed of time.
Daring to capture the pause of a moment.
The single breath of sweet time enveloped.
The single sigh of a lullaby,
from a mothers' lips.


I know this blog is a bit different than usual. But i'm in a seriously reflective mood. there's been soo much going on and me driving to the ends of the earth and back. and i drove through a thunder storm on my way back and it was really freaky and awesome and powerful ALL at the same time. It was really moving. Like I was RACING the storm, like screaming "Bring it on!" inside-- and kinda like Taking ON the storm...like charging INTO it.
There's a point to where you want to see if you can actually SURVIVE THE STORM...that you can be in VICTORY over the storms of your life. And i'm charging them, head-on, full-force, sword raised--- and screaming "Bring it on!"
Cuz it seems like the courage that the Lord gives me is really the ONLY thing I have to hold onto.
He gives me Joshua 1:9 constantly-- and i think it's for seasons like these.
And i'm just getting so stretched right now.
being challenged constantly by friends and a good brother in the Lord. it's just tough and tough in trying to understanding a correction and trying to understand whether or not it applies to you...and wishing more things.
wishing things could be differenet.
wishing things could be how YOU wish they could be.
But inside, you REALLY really know that what Jesus has for you is really the best.
I'll just trust in HIM.
and his WORD.
cuz he can't lie.
and he's not a worldly man.
He won't hurt me.
He really won't.

over and out.

Hmmm.
wondering right now.
i think it's cuz i attempted to draw tonight, for the first time in a LONG time. it turned out really sucky though...cuz I'm not flowin' in the spirit. It's not what i got from the Lord. Well. it just looks silly to me. i only REALLY REALLY draw well when I'm inspiried by the Spirit of Jesus- and well...i guess it wasn't really THAT inspirational tonight...cuz i was just chillin'...kinda blank minded- listening to Bob Dylan of all people...and nothing really came to mind...so, i just kinda started slopily drawing.
no worries though. it's not like i'm out to impress people

Well. this sunday completely ROCKED. it was good. nice day and everything....great awsome gathering at church. rocked totally.
I'm totally lost for words right now. so, i'm gonna split. i'm not gonna type just to type.
ciao

i am part Ottawa.
I guess we know that for sure.
But like only a little bit. like 1/16th or something like that.
But it's kinda nice to know now.
I'm eating a salad with really good ranch...and i'll be going to work in a bit.
I bought a swim suit online, and i really hope it fits.
and i need to cut down on the food and start waxing cars, cuz well, that works a muscle that i need to get toned. and i should probably go for more bike rides. or actually. try running some more.

Oh, yeah, i was gonna try my violin today. dang. i'm tooo stinkin' busy! arrrgg! this week and next week are gonna be like SUPER busy weeks. but they'll be fun! i'm so excited!
YAY
anways. ciao for now. my wrists hurt
:(

Monday now
I've had such a GOOD weekend....man. of like deliverance and repentance and like FORGIVING people and myself.
Dude. it's hard to believe it- but i was my OWN worst enemy. i severly hated myself. But, i have realized now that it was just the PLOY of the enemy to TAKE ME OUT...and maybe end my life....BUT HIS PLANS ARE THWARTED NOW.
and i can recognize when satan tries to come against me...and trying the same old' schemes and plans to take me out....lying to me all the time.
BUT I WON'T HAVE IT ANYMORE. I WON'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
beware satan.
the LION of ZION has awaken.....
growl.....

I'm sooo excited, i can't wait to see what is to come.
like, even JUST for this summer. i'm sooo excited! YAY Jesus!
and it's funny. Jesus gave me Psalm 42-- and i realize that my friend- JOSH Laflin- back out in Oregon- he did a rap about this song. it was wwaaaayyyy cool too.
i really haven't heard from him in forever. being married and all, and not living in Eugene anymore...hmmm
and that's another story. and i have no bitterness when i talk about this...but...there's a BIG difference in trying to connect to old friends, ESPECIALLY when they're married.
It's just hard- becuz they are at an emotional level of connection with another human being that YOURE not, so its like the things that were ONCE the topic of conversation, like God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit-- like fade into the background. and people don't really talk about that kinda stuff anymore. Like, they are soo consumed or really involved with their mate- it's like all those passions of SERVING Jesus have faded into nothing.
Man, i really dont' want it to end up like that with me. I hope that my mate will actually STIR me up for pursuing MORE of God and desiring more of the Holy Spirit. and i will do the same for my love.

So that's that.
i'm listening to Evanesence